Hello everyone.….been at work the two days and missed everyone commenting.

Thank you OneArt, Roist, Peace, Grace and DNJ. It means a lot to me that you would all take the time to respond.

I have had a few days to think about the last interaction with H and everything that was said during that time. It was hard to hear him say the "ILYB" statement again. I know he is struggling with his feelings and emotions. That is something he has struggled with our entire marriage.

Roist.......the reason that I made contact with H was because he had sent a text at the end of January saying he really wanted to spend more time with the dog. But I knew he would not reach out, so that is why I made the decision to do it. By his own admission, he over thinks every decision or interaction he is going to make beforehand, and usually does not follow through on a lot of things because of that.

He really has made progress when it comes to being able to acknowledge his lack of feelings and emotions, as well as his fears. He also acknowledged that he still has work to do and even stated during our last conversation that he avoids conversations with people (and me) because he is afraid of what they will say, and assumes there will be some sort of confrontation. I really wish he could find a way to get over that.

He is unhappy and it is a hard thing to see. I totally agree with you when you say that most WAS associate their spouse or M to be the source of their unhappiness. That has taken me a long time to understand, but I finally get it. I had mentioned in the past that maybe he was depressed and he totally disagreed with me. He wants everyone to see him as this happy, go lucky, positive kind of guy. But in fact, he is someone who sits at home alone most nights. But, he is also the guy who will bend over backwards for friends and will go out of his way to do things for them.

Luckily for me I am secure from a financial standpoint, and don't depend on H in that issue. If I end up having to give H some money, it will make a dent, but I should be okay. The bills he does pay, in return for keeping him on my health insurance, are in my name.

Peace......yes in the past H started to make his way towards me when he knew that I was showing signs of being done. I had taken 6 weeks off work and traveled on my own with the dogs. That time really opened my eyes. When I came back from that time away I decided to sell the house and that is when H started to see that I was a different person and started coming back around.

I know that some of these lessons are very hard to learn, and I hope that one day I can look back and see that it was what I really needed.

Grace......After BD H and I did not go to MC. We were going about a year before when I thought we were in a bad spot......little did I know he was cheating at the time. H agreed to go to discernment counseling, but he also said that he wanted to educate himself a bit more about it. The day that we spoke he said he would let me know his schedule so that I could try to arrange for times to set up. Well, I have not heard from him at all, which I am not surprised about. I am not going to bring it up again.

I know that he sees his IC every Wednesday so I would imagine that he will bring that up during his session.

I understand your sentiment about hating who you were becoming during the status quo. I used to tell myself that H really brought out the worst in me, but I know have come to realize that my anger is really the issue.

I am following along on your sitch, and am rooting for you smile

DNJ.....I have followed your sitch from the beginning and have found that you have great wisdom and strength in your posts. I really do enjoying reading what you have to say,

I don't feel like I am doing fine frown I don't know what it is, but when I am around H it is so easy for me to let my emotions go and then that spills over into everything. Like Roist said..."anger clouds our vision". Yes, H has self awareness about the pain both of us is experiencing. It really is hard to see him struggle. This whole BD process has really opened my eyes to some many things...….good and bad.

I don't have any plans to reach out to H. Initially I thought about texting him to see if he would watch the dog this weekend as I will be at work (Sat, Sun and Mon) but then I decided not to do that. H knows that he is home alone while I work, and has not reached out to see him in the past, so I am not going to ask him to help out. It does get me upset though when I think about it because he is currently dog sitting for two of his friends who are away on spring break, but he cant watch his own dog??? There is the anger!!!

The last couple of days at work were pretty hard (for many reason) and I actually broke down at work which is something I usually do not do. I spoke with the Chaplain at the hospital and he gave me some things to think about, but the most important thing he said to me was "you need to find the time to take care of you." AMEN!!!

I am not exactly sure why, but after the last interaction with H (and breaking down at work) I feel this sense of calm. If H decides that he is going to proceed with the D there is nothing I can do about it. I told him that I will not stand in his way if that is his decision, but I will not help facilitate it.

Sorry, that was quite a long post...……….

Hope everyone is well smile