thanks for the encouragement kitkat, this weekend was full of more confusing behaviour. On thursday night we went out, H started to tell me about somethings that have been bothering him for years. I tried to validate, but at the same time I tried to explain that he misunderstood my intentions and jumped to wrong conclusions which he has kept to himself all this time. Now he is telling me all this stuff and it is so frustrating. He told me that I never acknowledge the ways in which I have hurt him. I told him that I have apologized (in the past) and I am apologizing again, but he can't seem to accept it. He also said that even if he comes back I won't be able to get over OW and he doesn't want to live his life that way. We had a major fight. When we got home I was very upset. H was angry but realized that I was going a little nuts so he tried to calm me down. Then H told me he wanted to ML (???) if I was okay with it. I said okay. It was crazy, it was like the adrenaline was very high which made ML very intense. He asked me to give him a hickey (I though but what if OW sees it? Maybe he wants her to? very confusing) I of course complied. The next day I sent him this email...
"Last night was pretty crazy huh? I am very sad this morning remembering some of things that were said. I wanted to tell you this before I forget as my mind is not clear these days. I am so very sorry for all the pain and hurt I have caused you. I guess I feel like a failure cause I hurt the one person I love more than anything in the world. I know that you have interpreted my actions (or lack thereof) as meaning that I didn't care about your feelings, but that is very far from the truth. You mean everything to me, my whole world revolved around you, I tried to show you this in my own way, but I guess that didn't work, and wasn't good enough. We have different ways of expressing our feelings - they weren't in tune with each other in the past...You told me that you don't think we will work out because I will never get over what you have done. That is not true. There will be issues that I need to work through and it won't be easy for me - but it can be done - millions of couples have to deal with affairs and they end up better and stronger afterwords. You have hurt me terribly in the past, but I forgave you then and will forgive you now. You are still so very angry about things that happened so long ago, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, but you can't seem to get past it. Out of the two of us, I am not the one who is unable to let go of the past and forgive and forget. I would like so very much to start a new relationship with you, one that we both understand each others needs and have learned from our past mistakes - mistakes that will never be repeated. But I am very discouraged because it seems as though you are unable to work through the anger and pain I caused you. I hope that one day you find the strength to forgive me, for I am truly sorry."
On Friday night he was supposed to go to dinner with me and some friends. He told me that he didn't want to go anymore, but would meet me afterwards for a drink (He always goes out with OW on the weekends, even if he goes out with me first, he will meet her after - so I found this weird) I said okay but he will be missing out on a good dinner. In the end he changed his mind and we went together. It was great, we had a lot of fun.
After the 2 of us went out for a drink. At the bar there was a trivia game that you can play. Since we had so much fun playing millionaire last weekend at home, I figured we could have fun playing this trivia game. Boy was I wrong. He asked me why I told the waitress to bring the game consoles? He said that OW plays that crap. Then he said that he came out to be with me, if I wanted to play video games we could have stayed home. It ruined the rest of the night. He barely said a word to me, except to tell me that I always find a way to irritate him. I didn't react, I just stayed quiet and had my drink. When we got home, he went straight to the couch. I told him that I was sorry, that I thought it would have been fun to play trivia with him, that he shouldn't assume that I didn't want to be out with him. He spent the whole night on the couch. (very rare - usually he comes to the room after).
In the morning I was upset. He however was cheerful and like his old self (WTF). He asked me what was wrong, I told him that I was upset cause he was mad at me from the night before. He told me that he is mad at me often, and that I should try to deal with it, but if it bothers me so much then maybe I shouldn't go out with him. I think this was his way of telling me not to take it too personally.
He told me that my skin was very soft now. I said thank you. Then he told me that he wants to buy me a cream that makes your skin even softer. (must be something that OW uses). I said sure. Why is he buying me more stuff? Why does he care if my skin gets softer?
That night he went out with OW. The next day I went shopping before he came home. I got a call on my cell, he was at home and wondering where I was. He asked me when I was going to come home, he told me he missed me and wanted to see me. I told him I had some more stuff to do and would be home later (180).
When I got home, he started hugging me and told me that he was thinking about ML with me all day (he was with OW, but thinking of me?). We went to ML and then we went out. We didn't fight or argue, he was calling me honey and baby etc...He told me that he is depressed (no kidding!) I asked him what is he depressed about? He just said lots of things. I didn't push. I told him he should talk to his doctor about increasing his meds or changing them... (personally, I see a lot of improvements with his new meds, but he probably doesn't notice)
When we got home, he gave me the cream he bought the night before for me (on his way to OW, he went to pick up the cream for me). I said thank you. Then he went to sleep on the couch, but asked me to join him. I told him that we have a large bed that we can sleep on instead of the couch. But he asked me to just stay with him for awhile. We ended up falling asleep. We woke up about an hour later and moved to the bed. In the morning he was normal. But then I talked to him at work and he was very cold and short with me.
Oh well.... I have to constantly remind myself not to have expectations and not to take his constant mood swings personally....but it is so hard....
