Well it's been over a week since I last posted. My brother's wedding was last weekend. This was supposed to be the last event that we went to pretending that all was okay. He mentioned to me a few times before that he was nervous about what was going to happen. Originally we decided that we would let our families and friends know we were separated after the wedding. However, my mom's health is not good, so I told H that I wasn't going to say anything to my parents, but he could tell whoever he wanted to. He had said that after the wedding one of us should move out. I told him that if he wanted to leave he could.
Well the wedding day itself was good, everyone was complimenting me on my sexy outfit, and saying what a handsome couple we make (I know H loves this). But then in the evening, his brother got drunk, and started lecturing him on 'morals' and telling him that he was stupid and that he needs to keep his 'urges' to himself etc... Of course H got really pissed - His brother is a big time womanizer and alcoholic. He thinks that just because he isn't actually leaving his wife that he somehow has more morals than my H?? He started actually pushing my H, and then I stepped in and told his brother to stay out of our R, that he was making things worse.
After when we went home, H asked me to go for a drink with him. He was really upset. Then he got angry at me because my brother invited his brother in the first place. Then he got mad cause he thinks I have been telling his brother stuff about us, making H out to be a bad guy and me the victim. This is absolutly untrue. His mom is the one who has been telling his brothers about H's behaviour, not ME!! I don't know what she has been saying to them, probably just the basics and they are assuming the rest... He of course doesn't believe me and he told me that he had been seriously thinking about coming back to our marriage, but that something happens everytime that makes him go back to OW.
Great, so his brother does something and it's my fault? His mother does something and it's my fault too? I told him that I am not responsible for his family and their actions. I told him that if he doesn't want them to judge him, he should tell them the whole story. But he said no, that it is none of their business, why should he explain anything to them. I said fine. But don't blame me anymore.
Of course everytime he thinks of coming back something stops him. That is because he is LOOKING for reasons to stay with OW instead of me - any and everything that will justify what he is doing. I told him this the next day but he just shrugged it off.
2 weeks ago he told me that he was going to break up with OW, to give him a month. Then the next day he changed his mind and ever since then he has been highly irritable and looking for fights. It's like he scared himself and is pulling back. I recognize this and so I haven't pursued him or put any pressure on.
I think my backing off has helped. On Saturday night we were driving back to our house and I asked him if he was going out at night. He said, yes, I guess so - he sounded like he HAD to go. He leaned over and hugged me and kissed me. Then he squeezed my hand and said he was sorry. I said me too.
We got home and played video games. Every time the game finished he would look at his watch and say 'one more'. We ended up playing for 1/2hour and then he said he better get going now. I said okay. The next day he told me he feels bad when I am alone (well maybe if you stayed with me instead of going out with OW duh!!). I told him I know he feels bad. He asked me if I wanted to be with him? I said yes, he said 'so that means you want me to leave her huh?'. I just hugged him back.
That night he asked me to go for a drink with him. We had an okay time - no R talk. At home he told me that he was going to sleep on the couch. I said goodnight. But instead of going to our room I went downstairs and played games on the computer. After about 20 mins he shows up downstairs, laughs and tells me I am addicted then says goodnight again. - Why did he need to see what I was doing? What difference did it make to him that I wasn't going to bed? I guess it was a 180 since we always go to sleep together at the same time. He ended up coming to the room around 4am.
The next day he didn't call me once at work. I wanted to call him but stopped myself. At around 4:30 he called me on his way to the gym. He told me that it was raining and he felt bad cause he couldn't pick me from the train station. He told me to take a cab so I wouldn't get wet. I told him okay and thanks for the suggestion. For the past 2 months it has been raining at least 10 times after work and I have gotten soaked walking home. He never bothered to call me those times - why now?
Yesterday our son was at his biological mothers house for the night. I suggested we go out for dinner since there was nothing cooked at home. He agreed, we went for chinese buffet - unfortunately it was pretty gross, we both said we wouldn't go back to that restaurant again and that we need to find a new buffet place (funny since we aren't supposed to be eating out together huh?). Then we went home and watched Seinfeld.
After he got up and said okay, I am leaving now. I couldn't help it I got pissed and left the room. (He caught me off guard). I went outside for a smoke, he came out after and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing, that I just wasn't expecting him to go out. I told him I wasn't looking forward to sleeping alone again tonight. He hugged me and said but what about if I moved out, then I wouldn't be here at all. I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn't point out to him that HE is the one who can't sleep in our house without me, that he never stays on the couch the whole night.
I hugged him and told him to please drive carefully. He gave a big sigh and looked at me, he said that he thinks this separation thing has made us closer instead of helping us cope apart from each other. He said that he feels himself being pulled in two different directions again. He told me that he wishes he could just go away for a while by himself to think. I told him to go to Niagara falls on the weekend. He said no cause he might get drunk and end up jumping over the falls. I laughed, but I think he really needs to get his head straight without OW (or me). He asked me if I wanted him to attend a dinner with my brother this weekend. I said sure, that my brother invited both of us and I think it would be fun. He said okay.
I asked him to drop me off at the store so I could buy something. He said okay, he wanted to wait for me cause he was worried about me walking home. I told him no, that I wanted to walk anyways. I told him I would call him when I got home so he knew I was okay. I called him and told him I was fine. 5 minutes later he walked in the door. He told me he changed his mind. He came to the room and we ML.
After he asked me if I was happy that we ML instead of him going with OW. I just said I was happy that he was home.
(but of course inside I was gloating big time....)
I am going to continue to back off. I am going out tonight with co-workers. I didn't tell H any specifics. I just said I wouldn't be home for dinner. I wonder how he will feel being at home alone without me tonight? I plan on getting home late.
He keeps making comments about moving out, but I don't know if he will go through with it. I think he realizes he needs to make a decision and just isn't sure how to do it. He told me he thinks by moving out, he will be forced to live without me and then see if he is just being an idiot. He again told me that he knows that he doesn't love me the way he is supposed to. I agreed, but told him that we could find the love again if we can get past this current situation.
Well to summarize:
He is not supposed to go out with me but we continue to go out constantly. He isn't supposed to sleep with me or hug me etc...but still does. He doesn't tell OW cause he doesn't want to fight with her. Next time he says he isn;t supposed to be doing stuff with me, I will remind him that this separation is for him to figure out what makes HIM happy - if he wants to do stuff with ME, then he should. I am not telling him what to do, so why should she??? (he has control issues and this will point out that she is starting to make demands)
He was supposed to tell his family about our separation but has changed his mind. He is still going to attend a family dinner this weekend with me. He cancelled plans with OW and stayed home with me. Things are more delicate now than ever, I think he is on the verge of making a decision and to be honest, it could go either way.....
(of course I realize that if he should stay with her, we still have a long road ahead, and with every situational change there will be a chance for him to change his mind and come back - ie - stopping physical contact, or moving out, or me dating, or our families finding out, or splitting our finances, or filing for separtion etc.... I just need to keep dbing.... thanks for listening.....
