It is really hard work. Some of the childhood stuff is difficult to talk about. I can see I have kept it to myself for many years, pretended to be fine and an adult, and handed all the leaking-out insecurity and reactivity to H to deal with. Which has made him feel like a parent not a H, and led him to act like a bossy controlling parent and not an equal. His actions are on him and I will work towards healing and change my part in the dynamic no matter what he does, but he will have his own personal stuff that made him stick with a woman operating at the level of a traumatised child for such a long time. I have been in IC for two years working on these things, and that co-incided with things getting bad between us. I got stronger - slowly - and he didn't like it. Ah well. He will either do the work on himself or he won't but I am moving forward towards being healthier on my own for the time being.
I feel less needy today. Tired and resentful to be working so hard and doing all the kids stuff on my own all week too. He's around tomorrow and will take over then while I go out and GAL, which I am looking forward to. A couple of cordial texts from him to me today regarding arrangements for that, which I responded to warmly without pursuing. I hope to get to bed early after a shocking night's sleep last night.
