thanks almost40, I think it helps to compare notes, I know we are dealing with different people, but there are many similarities, maybe we can get ideas from each other. If not, at least it helps to know that we are not alone.
I have noticed with my H, that he is moving in the right direction, but he still repeats the same questions and comments over and over, and I have to be consistent in my answers. He has stopped asking some of the questions, and has added new ones. I think that he still has many unresolved things in his mind, that is why he keeps asking them. When I give him an answer, he needs to hear it over and over until he can accept it or resolve it in his mind. Then he stops asking.
It can be very frustrating cause it makes me feel like we have made no progress. But I guess I need to step back and look at which questions he has stopped asking (progress), which ones he keeps asking (work on better answers),
and look at the new questions (progress). Maybe I will summarize them and post the ones I need more help with here.
On with the saga.....
Thursday night
He took our son to the zoo while I was at work. We met at home, he came straight to me and hugged me, he told me that he missed me today, that he kept remembering the last time he went to the zoo with me and our son. He said he wished I was there with them.
Our conversation:
H: What happens if we get back together and try again and it doesn't work? Won't we have wasted so many years?
Me: What if we don't try, and go our separate ways only to find out down the road that we really should be together? We would have spent all that time apart, when we could have been together and started our family, would that be a waste?
H: Yes it would be.
Me: I think if we can work things out, that we won't ever be in this situation again cause our relationship has changed, we understand each other better now, and we are actually communicating right?
H: That's true.
He told me that he wants to go to my cousin's party on Saturday, that he thinks it would be a good idea (when the party was mentioned 2 months ago, he said NO WAY.) He told me he would try not to cancel (not sure if he means because he might change his mind or because of plans with OW). I said sure, I would like to go with him.
We went to a festival to watch the fireworks later that night. It was fun. We came home and got ready for bed.
He told me that he had tried to get back the old feelings for me but it isn't working. I told him that it will take time, it won't happen overnight. I also told him that although he thinks he is trying, he can't truly fall back in love with me if OW is still in the picture. He can't concentrate fully on our R if she is still meeting his emotional needs. He said he understands what I am saying.
I said that instead of thinking of how happy he is with her, he should think how happy he will be without me. I told him that if he breaks up with her he will have a broken heart and be sad for a while, but nothing else in his life will be affected. If he breaks up with me, he will still be sad and EVERYTHING in his life will change.
I told him that even though we are 'separated' , nothing has really changed because I am still here, and we still act like a married couple in many ways. If we divorce, we will no longer live in our home - I tried to continue with examples, but he cut me off and said 'okay I get it'. So I didn't push. I know he will bring this up again, so I will get another chance to continue then...
