Your last post, about him saying you will make some man happy, and then how you refused to look good for him, etc.
He is feeling ALOT of guilt right now, and is afraid to let that go. He has gotten comfortable in the current situation, and change scares him. I think he likes what he sees in you, but can't tell you that, because then what would be his reason for the OW? That would me a major change for him.
Keep at it sister, it is slowly working. I would layoff telling him you love him so much, and all the reassurance you give him. You have said it multiple times, and he knows. Everytime you say it now, it just makes him feel bad.
He has to clear his head and think his way out of this. You can't do anything except try to make yourself happy throughout.
I see I took some flak for saying that you should think about your ML. I am not saying to totally with hold it per se, but maybe you might not be so "available" (be out doing something, come home and be too tired once in awhile). When you do ML, have him use some kind of protection out of decency for you, then BLOW HIS MIND!
This sounds like a big key for your H. You aren't really with holding, just modifying it a bit.
thanks sinjin, I appreciate what you said to me about ML, believe me, I have questioned myself about it many times. It does come down to doing what I feel comfortable with, and although it may seem like I am letting him have his cake and eat it too, I think that it is having more of a positive effect for our R.
He tells me he feels bad after we ML, he says he feels bad for both me and the OW. I think it makes him question his feelings for both of us. He has admitted to me that he rarely ML with OW. It is more of an EA than a PA. I have asked him what he likes more about her than me, and he couldn't answer me. He said I am prettier than her, and way smarter than her. I know that she gave him a huge ego boost when he was vunerable and thinking that I didn't care enough about him. Now he knows the truth about my actions, or lack there of, but he is scared to come back...
I just have to give him time to decide what will make him happier - losing me and being with her or vice versa. He has told me before that either way he will be hurt. I guess he needs to figure out what would hurt more. I don't intend to allow this double life to continue forever. But it has only been 4 months now, and although it is worse cause he has grown closer to her, we have also grown closer together at the same time. I will have to rethink my approach and strategy if nothing changes over the next month. I guess I am hoping that OW will get fed up with his lack of commitment to her and the fact that he no longer has any money to keep taking her out on expensive dinners etc.... (I am ASSuming this, but she is much younger and is quite the party girl from what I have learned about her).
Of course this would be wishful thinking. Most likely I will have to be the one to make a move, or him.
I am going thru almost the same situation; Read below:
I will try and make this as simple as possible. Dated eight years, married last year, no children. My age 25, his 30.
About two months ago he met the OW.
(She is by the way is a 19 yr. old girl who adores him, doesn't have job, or home either, and has a drug problem, he doesn't have drug issue)
Then last month i found them together the night he decided to leave me. The same night he told me he doesn't love me anymore.
Long story short.
He is currently living at his bestfriend mom place. I am living at my parents. Our apartment is empty.
I let him have the keys so he would have somewhere to stay, incase he got exhausted of living like a hobo.
So far he says he has feelings for me and for the OW.
That he is confused and that he doesn't want a divorce for now at least.
(sometimes i feel he says this out of guilt and the fact that i am using his health insurance for my therapy)
But then last week i found out that he brought her to our apartment to spend the night.
I want to fight for our marriage... but i wonder if I am compromising my values too much. How much is crossing the line?
Its like my nightmare came true. She was in my home. In my shower. In my bed.
I of course got a bit upset. He apologized. And he cried. He thinks he is emotionally and mentally unstable and could not believe he did such a thing to me too.
I told him i still care about him and will try to be understanding.
And now that he is running out of money (because he keeps taking her out)NOW he is telling me he can't afford to write me a check for rent!
And now that he is running out of money (because he keeps taking her out)NOW he is telling me he can't afford to write me a check for rent!
GOSH I am just getting so sick and tired of this. Oooh and let me ask you a question? Don't you have moment where you picture them together? Doesn't it make you just want to go insane!
Oh and here is my suggest that has helped me out. GO to therapy. It something i look forward to.
Please do what you feel is the best for you. Don't take advice form others if it gose against what you feel is right. I am sorry if I came across like a witch in the last post. I agree with sinjin about maybe modifying it a bit.
I took the post the wrong way. With asking around and reading up on affairs. I have notcied that some wheree aviodable if both partner's didn't with hold stuff. (Sex, feelings or dreams for the future ect...) And I took the advice the worng way and had to mouth off. Sorry
Quote: I just have to give him time to decide what will make him happier - losing me and being with her or vice versa. He has told me before that either way he will be hurt. I guess he needs to figure out what would hurt more.
That is basicly all it boils down to. But while you are giving him time to decide which will hurt the most. It wouldn't hurt for you to do the best you can to show him what he would be missing if he left.
Find something to do that is for you. Something that will get you out of the house a day or two out of the week. Join a club or go some place where the people have a postive outlook on things. It really dose rub off, and will do a world of good.
Quote: I don't intend to allow this double life to continue forever. But it has only been 4 months now, and although it is worse cause he has grown closer to her, we have also grown closer together at the same time. I will have to rethink my approach and strategy if nothing changes over the next month.
You are doing such a good job at seeing what needs to be done. I have a hard time at rembiering that it will take time to see if what you are doing is working. I am constaly reminding myslef that it takes longer to work things out then it did for things to get in such a bad shape.
Just rember to take care of you, and show H what a wounderful person he married in the frist place.
thanks for the responses everyone, Kitkat - no apology necessary, I didn't get the impression you were being harsh at all.
Thinks are pretty delicate right now...On friday night I went out with my friend and he went out with OW. On Saturday I called him and asked him if he wanted to go see a movie before he went to my brothers stag. He said sure. When he came home he hugged me and wouldn't let go, he said he missed me so much. He asked me if we could lie down on the couch together for a while. I said sure. We stayed there for about an hour. Here are parts of the conversation:
H: I missed you so much, I couldn't stop thinking about you. Me: I missed you too. H: OW would be mad if she knew I wanted to be here hugging you. Me: How would she know that? Do you tell her how you feel about me? H: Well, I told her that I still love you and she gets really mad. I told her about how amazing you looked in your new outfit and she got really upset.
H: I get mad at OW when she talks bad about you. Me: What does she say about me? H: Oh sometimes she makes comments like 'your stupid wife'. Me: Why would she say that? What did I do to her? H: She gets mad cause you are still here, that you won't leave. But I yell at her whenever she says anything bad about you, I won't let anyone talk bad about my baby. Me: She wants me to leave the house? H: It doesn't matter what she wants, it's between you and me and what we decide to do, she has no say in the matter. Me: (tearfully) Maybe I should just leave then. H: Nooo, don't talk like that, just hug me okay.
H: I love you so much, but not the way a husband should love a wife. Me: I know. H: I love her too, but I don't think I love her the way I am supposed to either.
Later we took a shower and ML, we never made it to the movie. He said that he was hungry, he suggested we go to dinner before he goes to the stag.
We went to a restaurant and he ordered wine. We talked and joked around. He kept telling me how beautiful I am. He said that everytime he sees me, he wants to be with me. He said that looking at me now, he remembers why he fell for me the first time. He asked me if I wanted to rent a boat with him and go sailing. I said sure. Neither of us has ever gone sailing before. He asked me if I would go out with him and wear my new outfit. I said sure wherever you want. I suggested we go to my cousins party next weekend. He said he would think about it.
He left to go to the stag, he told me that he had plans to meet OW afterwards, but that he would call me later.
I fell asleep, I woke up around 2am to the phone. It was H. He was very upset and said that he had been calling me for an hour, but I didn't answer. I told him I was sleeping. He said that he was missing me more than ever before. I told him that he could come home, but he said it was too late, that he was already on his way to OW. He said the following stuff:
H: baby, I don't know what I am doing anymore. I think I have made a mistake with OW. When I think of having babies, I think of having them with you, not her. I love her very much, but I don't think I can be happy without you. I want to come back to you, but you need to give me time. Maybe a month or so to break up with her, she is going through a tough time at home right now. This is going to be painful for me, and I might get mad at you sometimes but don't take it personally okay? I wasn't sure before, but now I think I am. I am scared about this, but I think it's what I should do. I just hope that it is not the alcohol talking now. I hope that I can do this for us. Tommorow when I get home, we can talk about it okay? I just kept saying okay.
After we hung up, I checked the messages on the phone, He called 4 times, he left the following message:
'baby, where are you? Why don't you answer the phone, I really need to talk to you. I miss you so much. I just want to hold you right now. Please answer the phone.'
On Sunday when he came home, he hugged me and told me that he is very confused. I asked him if he remembered what he told me the night before. He said yes, but that he is not sure about it anymore. He said that last night he missed me more than ever before, but that today he is not so sure what to do. He said his emotions are crazy, going from one extreme to the other. He said he is sorry for getting my hopes up, that he is not being fair to me, that if I want to move on and get away from this mess he created he would understand. He told me that he has no right to ask me to wait for him to get his head straight. He told me from now on he is going to tell me what he is feeling, whenever he misses me he is going to call me and tell me.
I was disappointed, but I didn't start crying or anything. We went to the movie, it was pretty good. When we got home, he wanted to lie with me on the couch, but we didn't have time cause we had to go pick up our son and do stuff in the house. He was upset that we didn't have time to be together. I asked him if OW was wondering why he went to a party for my brother if we are supposed to be separated. He said that she didn't say anything, but even if she did so what? She can't tell him what to do.
We went to bed, we didn't have anymore discussions about us.
In summary, I am sad that he didn't follow through and leave OW. But I am going to focus on the positives:
-He is missing me like never before -He is talking about me to OW -OW is getting pissed off -He is questioning his decisions to leave me and be with her -He is remembering the reasons he fell for me in the first place -He said he sees himself having a family with me, not her.
I hope things keep going in this direction and I don't screw up.
I don't want to post my opions at this time, because I don't want the negtive crap I am going thu to tint what I want to say.
But I want you to know that it made me a little happier to hear that your H is rembering why he fell in love with you. And that he dosen't care (or a least says he dosen't) what she thinks.
Wish I was feeling better so I could post what I want to say. But I am dedemind not to let my neg. feeling affect anyone else.
But keep up the great job. It is nice to hear something good come out of the weekend. Kat
Last night H told me that he is trying to remember how he felt about me at the begining of our R, he said that
sometimes he remembers, but sometimes he doesn't.
He told me that he is going out with the OW on Tuesday (tonight) instead of on Wednesday. He said that he wants to go out with me on Wednesday night since Thursday is a holiday. I asked him if he wanted to do something with our son, he said no, that he wants to go for dinner and a walk on harbourfront, maybe dancing afterwards. I said sure. He said that he wants to see if we can have a good time like we used to.
Then he said even though things are good between us now (ie the way we interact), he doesn't think we will work out. I asked him why he thinks that - he said cause we will end up fighting just like last week in the morning. I told him that it was one argument, that everyone has arguments. He said he is scared that this new relationship we are creating isn't for real, and that we will return to the old one. I told him that I don't think that is true, I told him that of course there will be times that we slip up, but that as long as we recognize it, we can stop it. I told him that he needs to be more patient, that we are both dealing with a lot of emotions and sometimes we do and say things out of anger and frustration because of our current situation. He was quiet. Then he said that he thought I had stopped loving him last year when we were fighting all the time (these were very minor arguments to me, but I guess he didn't think so...). I told him that I never stopped loving him and I was sorry he felt I stopped.
Later that night he told me that he is angry with me again. I asked him why? He said he doesn't know, but every now and then he feels a lot of anger towards me. I told him I am sorry that he feels that way and said 'is there anything you would like me to do right now?' He said no, so we just watched tv together.
I am looking forward to Wednesday, but I am also very nervous. At least he is starting to open up to the idea that there may be something we have together that is worth fighting for instead of just giving up and moving on with OW.
I know I need to be calm and keep reminding myself to act as if I am on a first date with a guy. I hope I don't screw up, I hope he isn't going to base any decisions on one date. I mean we have gone out quite a few times over the past few months spontaneously and it was fun for both of us. Should I actually tell him not to base our future on one date?
Well Tuesday night, he came back from his outing with OW around 1am. He crashed on the couch. In the morning he came to cuddle with me. But he told me that he is mad at me again. I told him I am sorry he feels that way. He said he is mad at me, he is mad at HER, he just wants to be left alone. I said okay and tried to give him space. I sent him an email and told him that I understand all the anger from the past year is coming out now, so if he wants me to give him some space for the next few days I will.
I didn't know if he would cancel our date, but I don't really feel like going with him if he is in a bad mood anyways....
When I got home from work he was in a really bad mood, everything mad him made. He got in an argument with his mom too which made matters worse. We decided to go to the movies with our son first then go out for drinks after.
Before we left, we were sitting on the couch hugging and he asked me if it bothers me that OW is hurting cause we are still so close? I said no, why would it bother me? He didn't answer.
This is the third time he has mentioned her being upset about me and H. I wonder if he told her the truth about our ML and how close we are physically? Maybe she noticed the dinner and bar receipts from our many nights out that I left in the car? Maybe she is questioning him about our R, and is doubting his feelings towards her? I don't know, and I won't ask, but he seems to want to tell me stuff, so I will just keep my ears open.
We had an okay time, we didn't talk about our R, but things weren't too much fun cause he was not in a good mood.
We went home and ML after. Then he told me that he wishes he loved me. He said he tries to feel it for me but he doesn't. I told him that it will take time for those feelings to come back, that it will take some work too.
He said that he doesn't need to work on those feelings with OW. That they are already there. This hurt me a lot, but I told him that those feelings come naturally at the beginning of a relationship, but over time they need to be worked on.
In the morning I was sad, I had to go to work but he wanted me to stay with him. I told him that I was thinking about what he said last night. I told him that the reason that he is having trouble feeling 'in love' with me is cause he is focusing those feelings on OW. I told him that she is meeting those needs for him, so I can't. He told me that sometimes he does feel 'in love' with me, but it doesn't last, it comes and goes, but with her he feels it all the time.
He told me that he knows it would be easier for her to start over without him than it would be for me. I agreed with him and told him that I am losing him, our son, our home and I probably won't be able to find someone in time to have babies either. He kept hugging me.
Then I left for work. I wish that he could just let go of her and come back like he said he would on the weekend. Why do his feelings for me keep fading? He says sometimes he misses me so much and wants to be with me, but after a few days he doesn't? Is it really because of OW? Am I just wasting my time? This is very hard. I think I will need to rethink my strategy after my bro's wedding.
Currently, I spend a lot of time with him, and I try to be fun and someone he wants to be with - it does work, but only for a short period, then he restates his love for OW and his lack of feeling for me. Maybe if I keep this up, OW will get tired of his on again/off again feelings for me?
Perhaps instead of trying to show him how good it would be WITH me, I should let him see how bad it would be WITHOUT me? (ie stop being there for him, maybe everytime I do things for him or with him - point out to him that if we divorce I won't be there or doing them)
So do I be patient and continue my first strategy? Or move on to the second? Or a combo of both?
Hi Loveforever, I wish I had some great advice for you. I'm actually in the same spot with my H. I thought we were actually making some progress over the last month...spending more time together, having fun, ML more...but since I told him about me being pregnant, he has pretty much gone dark on me. He was somewhat supportive when I first told him, but I think now that it has sunk in he is resentful...thinks I did this on purpose to trap him and is afraid the OW will find out about it and she'll be livid.
He told me last week that OW is seeing someone else at work, and it is really hard on him. He's said that before so I don't know if it is true or if she is just playing games with him. But he did tell me he loves her and he is afraid that if he comes home to me, he will always regret leaving her. Ouch.
I've been DBing faithfully for almost a year now, but I'm finding myself listening more to friends telling me he is not capable of changing and that I should go on with my life and have the new baby without him. I'm torn...I want to give him time to work through this, but part of me agrees with them and doesn't think he is strong enough to do what it will take to make things better between us. I think he is thinking there would be too much work involved in fixing this relationship, so he'd rather just cut his losses and move on.
I think you've done a great job so far of DBing and answering your H's questions. As long as he is still living with you and you seem like you spend a lot of quality time together, I'd say continue doing what you're doing. You've made progress over the last few months.
