thanks for the responses everyone, Kitkat - no apology necessary, I didn't get the impression you were being harsh at all.
Thinks are pretty delicate right now...On friday night I went out with my friend and he went out with OW. On Saturday I called him and asked him if he wanted to go see a movie before he went to my brothers stag. He said sure. When he came home he hugged me and wouldn't let go, he said he missed me so much. He asked me if we could lie down on the couch together for a while. I said sure. We stayed there for about an hour. Here are parts of the conversation:
H: I missed you so much, I couldn't stop thinking about you. Me: I missed you too. H: OW would be mad if she knew I wanted to be here hugging you. Me: How would she know that? Do you tell her how you feel about me? H: Well, I told her that I still love you and she gets really mad. I told her about how amazing you looked in your new outfit and she got really upset.
H: I get mad at OW when she talks bad about you. Me: What does she say about me? H: Oh sometimes she makes comments like 'your stupid wife'. Me: Why would she say that? What did I do to her? H: She gets mad cause you are still here, that you won't leave. But I yell at her whenever she says anything bad about you, I won't let anyone talk bad about my baby. Me: She wants me to leave the house? H: It doesn't matter what she wants, it's between you and me and what we decide to do, she has no say in the matter. Me: (tearfully) Maybe I should just leave then. H: Nooo, don't talk like that, just hug me okay.
H: I love you so much, but not the way a husband should love a wife. Me: I know. H: I love her too, but I don't think I love her the way I am supposed to either.
Later we took a shower and ML, we never made it to the movie. He said that he was hungry, he suggested we go to dinner before he goes to the stag.
We went to a restaurant and he ordered wine. We talked and joked around. He kept telling me how beautiful I am. He said that everytime he sees me, he wants to be with me. He said that looking at me now, he remembers why he fell for me the first time. He asked me if I wanted to rent a boat with him and go sailing. I said sure. Neither of us has ever gone sailing before. He asked me if I would go out with him and wear my new outfit. I said sure wherever you want. I suggested we go to my cousins party next weekend. He said he would think about it.
He left to go to the stag, he told me that he had plans to meet OW afterwards, but that he would call me later.
I fell asleep, I woke up around 2am to the phone. It was H. He was very upset and said that he had been calling me for an hour, but I didn't answer. I told him I was sleeping. He said that he was missing me more than ever before. I told him that he could come home, but he said it was too late, that he was already on his way to OW. He said the following stuff:
H: baby, I don't know what I am doing anymore. I think I have made a mistake with OW. When I think of having babies, I think of having them with you, not her. I love her very much, but I don't think I can be happy without you. I want to come back to you, but you need to give me time. Maybe a month or so to break up with her, she is going through a tough time at home right now. This is going to be painful for me, and I might get mad at you sometimes but don't take it personally okay? I wasn't sure before, but now I think I am. I am scared about this, but I think it's what I should do. I just hope that it is not the alcohol talking now. I hope that I can do this for us. Tommorow when I get home, we can talk about it okay? I just kept saying okay.
After we hung up, I checked the messages on the phone, He called 4 times, he left the following message:
'baby, where are you? Why don't you answer the phone, I really need to talk to you. I miss you so much. I just want to hold you right now. Please answer the phone.'
On Sunday when he came home, he hugged me and told me that he is very confused. I asked him if he remembered what he told me the night before. He said yes, but that he is not sure about it anymore. He said that last night he missed me more than ever before, but that today he is not so sure what to do. He said his emotions are crazy, going from one extreme to the other. He said he is sorry for getting my hopes up, that he is not being fair to me, that if I want to move on and get away from this mess he created he would understand. He told me that he has no right to ask me to wait for him to get his head straight. He told me from now on he is going to tell me what he is feeling, whenever he misses me he is going to call me and tell me.
I was disappointed, but I didn't start crying or anything. We went to the movie, it was pretty good. When we got home, he wanted to lie with me on the couch, but we didn't have time cause we had to go pick up our son and do stuff in the house. He was upset that we didn't have time to be together. I asked him if OW was wondering why he went to a party for my brother if we are supposed to be separated. He said that she didn't say anything, but even if she did so what? She can't tell him what to do.
We went to bed, we didn't have anymore discussions about us.
In summary, I am sad that he didn't follow through and leave OW. But I am going to focus on the positives:
-He is missing me like never before -He is talking about me to OW -OW is getting pissed off -He is questioning his decisions to leave me and be with her -He is remembering the reasons he fell for me in the first place -He said he sees himself having a family with me, not her.
I hope things keep going in this direction and I don't screw up.
