Hey juju - I am on the Newcomer board but I was surfing over here to get a preview of things because I will probably be over here full-time pretty soon....anyway I read your thread and thought I might pass along a few thoughts because your XBF has some similar qualities to my STBXW and your exhaustion due to the negativity and criticism is exactly what I have been going through for 6 YEARS. On my journey I have found the following to be true:
People that describe themselves as "brutally honest" are often more about being brutal than honest. They "tell it like it is." The don't "sugarcoat" things. Basically they give themselves carte blanche to say just about anything without repercussions, because hey, they're just being honest, right? And if you can't handle it, you're "too sensitive" or "butthurt" as my W would say. It's BS. They have a problem - it's them not you. For them there is no line between being candid and being a rude a$$hole. And they are absolved of all responsibility for their speech, it's just "who they are". It's BS - did I say that already?
The fact that your XBF had a lot of great qualities is not enough to overcome the toxic nature of criticism in a R. There is a very well known researcher who in 30+ years of studies has clearly found that when someone harshly criticizes their significant other and it becomes a habit, its begins a toxic chain reaction that will almost certainly kill the R. No one likes to be criticized - "gee, thank you so much for educating me on my flaws, please tell me more!". Right. Criticism leads to defensiveness, naturally, and the building of resentment and contempt, and then it's game over for the R.
My STBXW has a lot of great qualities, probably 90+% good stuff, but the nasty tone of her criticism, the attacks, the snide and sarcastic BS, is highly concentrated toxic stuff was enough to drive me away and shut me down. She can wreck an entire evening with a few seconds of toxic BS. And often these people can just move on within minutes and act as if nothing happened or nothing is wrong. It's weird.
So I feel you on your BF sitch. I stuck it out for YEARS because I had very young children. I stood up for myself every single time the criticism was fired off at me, but it is exhausting. I would actually say to my W "are you trying to make me feel bad about myself?" and "it's not necessarily what you're saying, it's how you are saying it" and "do you think it's right for a spouse speak like that? where did you get that idea?". And of course from W I got the "i'm just blunt, I don't sugarcoat things" BS routine in response.
Sorry for the semi-rant but I just wanted you to know I have lived that life and I can relate, it's effing draining beyond belief, it's very likely not your fault, you're probably not "hypersensitive", you just got linked up with a guy who can't control himself and drawn a line between honesty and a$$holery. Best of luck to you in your journey, beautiful clear days lay ahead.
