Thank you all for your advice and opinions. It does help me to read about different perspectives cause it makes me think more objectively.
On tuesday night I heard him talking to OW on the phone, he said he was going to sleep now cause he was tired, he said ILY and good night. I didn't scream and yell at him as usual (he is not supposed to call her from our home when I am there) I told him that I found the website he was looking for. He said thanks, then he suggested we go out for drinks, I said okay. Then he asked me if something was wrong. I told him that I came to the room earlier to tell you about the website but,- but I was on the phone right? he said. I said yes quietly. Then I left the room to get ready. We didn't talk about our R at all. We just had a good time. Interesting that he told her was going to sleep, but then asked me out. (he really was tired though, I think it was more of a spontaneous thing, but I am sure he didn't tell OW about it afterwards)
We went to sleep, at about 2am he woke me up by kissing me, we ended up ML, then went back to sleep.
Last week he told my cousin that he would join his volleyball team that plays once a week at the docks. He didn't mention this to me. I think this will be a good thing - he will be spending time with my family and co-workers instead of with her. Right now he only does 2 things - spend time with me or her, he hasn't seen his friends or cousins for a long time. However, yesterday when I asked him about joining the team, he said he changed his mind. I said why? He said cause of our situation, it would be awkward. I told him no, cause no-one knows about out sitch and I won't be there either. Then I told him that my cousin already paid for him. He said he didn't realize that, and oh well, he guesses he has to play now.
This is typical from him since he started with OW, his first instinct is to do something, then later he changes his mind and doesn't go through with it. For example, he wanted to go to the movies with me to see that Jesus Christ movie - it is about doing the right thing morally etc... But when the time came to go, he changed his mind. Another time we were supposed to go to church for the last supper (the only time we go), he changed his mind on the last day. Now he wants to avoid hanging with my cousins. I think he is scared that it will affect him, that it will make him question his recent decisions. Also, my brother's stag is this saturday, he said he is going. (I wonder if he will change his mind again or if he will go meet her afterwards)
Wednesday was his night to go out with OW. He called me after work, he told me that he was at the international centre with his co=worker. He said they have a great sale there, he told me that I should go check it out. I said okay, but I can't go tonight cause I have to take his mom to the store. He said I could go the next day (thurs), he said he wanted to come with me. He was all excited about the good deals there. I said sure. Interesting how he calls me and says he wants to go with me, while he is on his way to met OW....
He came home from his night out with OW early, he wasn't drunk. No talk of us or OW. He just asked me if he could hug me, I said yes. In the morning he was quiet and a little distant. I asked him if he was going to the gym today, he said yes, asked me if I wanted to go too. I said no cause I won't get home from work in time.
When I got home from work, he had just come back from the gym. He suggested we go to the sale, take our son to the amusement center. I said sure. It was nice.
I tried on a new outfit I got in front of him, he was speechless, he said I looked so amazing, OMG. I said thank you. He then commented that I would make some guy really happy. I didn't respond, he asked if I heard him, I smiled and said yes but I am ignoring you. We both laughed.
When we were getting ready for bed we had the following conversation:
H: Do you still love me? Me: Yes H: When are you going to stop? Me: I don't know H: Do you think I am still in love with you? Me; No H: I don't love you the way I am supposed to love you. Me: I understand that. You know, that kind of love can be revived again, but you aren't trying, you're giving your heart to someone else right now.
H: Do you think I am in love with her? Me: I don't know H: I am, but I love you too.
H: I guess to make you happy, I will have to be miserable. Me: Being with me makes you miserable? H: NO, of course not, I love being with you and spending time with you. (this is opposite of what he has usually says) I mean that I will be miserable without her. Me: I am sorry. H: Well, I don't actually know how I will feel without her since I haven't tried it before. Me: That's true.
H: I don't think we will work anyways baby Me: Why do you keep saying that? H: Well, look at yesterday morning we got into a fight. (He was mad cause I took my time walking to start the car, meanwhile I was slow cause I was looking for my keys in my purse) Me: It wasn't a fight, we were both grumpy in the morning and irritated each other. That's not a reason to think we should be divorced is it? H: No, you are right it is not a reason, but it is an example - we never used to fight at the beginning. Me: Every couple has their arguments baby, no one is perfect. H: I know.
Then we went to sleep.
I know that he is still confused, but this time he mentioned that he doesn't know how he will feel without HER and opposed to without ME. This shows me that he is thinking about the consequences of leaving her instead of the usual - leaving me. Doesn't bring us any closer to a decision, but at least I know that he isn't dead set on choosing her.
