This is perhaps a different topic, but when I look back at the way I behaved during the last couple of years of our marriage, and in the immediate aftermath of H moving out, I find it very difficult to find myself attractive. The neediness and the lack of self respect and the behaviour that I accepted from him, and accepted from myself. It was all very ugly and there wasn't much dignity, compassion or selflessness there. No good boundaries and a lot of manipulation and game playing - not because I am a terrible person, but because I was miserable and scared and trying to get him to change.
As the weeks pass - and I am still very early days - and I work on being unselfish and boundaried and taking care of my own fear rather than expecting H to do it for me, I am finding myself more attractive and likeable and this means I feel more self respect, and am less tolerant of disrespect from H, and less tolerant of the disrespectful behaviour I've shown to him. It is a work in progress but I feel less ashamed of myself. I have no idea if that will have an affect on him, if he notices or if he sees it the same way. But I am feeling like I am a person who I'd want to spend time with, and that makes me feel a tiny bit less desperate for his approval. Which perhaps means he feels less burdened and smothered by my company. I don't know.
