You strike me as someone who oozes with smarts, compassion, empathy, and decency. I don't know if your W will eventually realize how lucky she was. If she does not, I know someone else will...some day.
It's very hard. Neither of us is "out of love" with our respective Ws. I think, based on what you have shared, each of us believe we found our soulmates.
You say: "I ignored her pain for too long thinking it wasn't so deep. She tried to hide it from me so I pretended I didn't see it. " Go easy on yourself. During early days, I would beat myself up, assuming blame. Now I realize that my W is very much a product of her upbringing. Not much deep, emotional issues was shared within her childhood family. I accept now that W wasn't hiding things from me deliberately; she just didn't have the tools to process her pain, nor did I have the tools to see this or respond to this as I now wish I did.
Your intention to focus on her needs is a good one. I don't think it's contradictory to be aware of and to accept your own emotional needs, while loving her so much that you want only what is best for her. (At least in my own sitch, that's what my soul keeps telling my heart.)
