One of my biggest traits has always been that I am reactive - if I am treated well I will give it back even more so, and if I am treated poorly I will counterpunch. Respect has always been a big deal to me and I have always had strong boundaries in this department - there is going to be a confrontation if you disrespect me. I also react to any attempt to micro-manage me or to anyone who tries to order me around.
I have made tremendous progress in not reacting strongly in most instances, staying calm and cool, but still enforcing my boundaries. I think I am in a pretty good spot with my immediate responses to W's constant shyt tests and snide comments. I have always been good in this department with amused mastery, agree and amplify, and pressure flips if you know the terms. I didn't know the terms for what I have always done until recently. But my weakness was to sometimes get drawn into W's emotions and get into an argument, and I have cut this out totally. I have added "ignore" to my toolbox and use that now as well. So I am feeling pretty good about where I am at with this part of it.
Regarding my general demeanor, I have been going for the "clerk at the store" interaction with W. I am pretty cordial, but also pretty short and of few words. I wouldn't say "friendly" - more businesslike. No probing questions about her day or what she is up to. She is initiating most conversations. I am definitely on the cool side but not an ahole. Not a lot of smiles, just very matter of fact. No pursuit whatsoever.
W has definitely noticed my refusal to engage in an argument and my ignoring and walking away, and that I am cool 100% of the time instead of 75%. But she has also noticed that my demeanor remains distant and cool as well and that our interactions are not deep or have any real warmth to them. So my goal remains to inject some friendliness and warmth into the interactions. My hand has been on that dial but I am cautious about turning it up and quite honestly I am not a big fan of her these days. It's hard to want to be friendly with someone who hits you with criticism, snide comments and who you know just wants OUT.
I guess i'm having to face the feeling that I want space away from her and the toxicity. While she can be totally nice and fine much of the time, it's always just a matter of time until the next underhanded comment is made or her negativity bubbles up. Almost daily. The sound of her voice yelling at the kids to eat their breakfast or to do this or that has become almost unbearable. Constant complaints about things we all deal with in daily existence have worn me out too. I can't lie, I am looking forward to the silver linings of a S/D and getting some peace and tranquility. So maybe I am close to not DBing any more?
