how do I answer him? HELP

[Lyrael]

Okay, I know I have never posted to any of you, but this discussion struck a chord with me.

I have been through the infidelity thing, and my H and I have ML all through our sep. At times, I told him I didn't want to if he was with someone else, because I thought that would stop him being with someone else. Instead, he took it as a sign that he could never win me back because he wasn't worthy of me. It's always beena weird issue, and at time the ML has been a very good thing, and at times it has made me question myself. But your answer to "ML or not to ML" doesn't have to be permanent. If it makes you feel bad, don't do it. If some night it makes you feel good and you want to, do it! Use protection (direct piece of advice from Michelle there). I wouldn't suggest you ever use ML as a tool, withholding it to produce a result or giving it to produce a result. The question is, what are YOU comfortable with? It doesn't matter what we think of your choices. What matters is how those choices make you feel about yourself.

You can't make your H stop cheating - I have been to the marriage builders site, and I agree that some of the info on there is wonderful, but it details some rules for a previously adulterous spouse - that might make your H feel like a 5-year-old.

You have to ask yourself, is this the time to ask for what I want? Because obviously you, and all of us out here, want him to stop seeing the OW. Immediately. And that is what he SHOULD do. But you have to think about what he would do if this demand came from you. He obviously isn't being quite reasonable right now, and he seems to be thinking mostly with his emotions, so a request like this would probably put him off.

So that brings me to the second question - what can you do to protect your good feelings about yourself? It is okay to say, "I don't want you to think that I am okay with the OW, but I love you, and I understand that you're struggling with some things right now." Then you decide on your own how close to him you can be and still feel okay about you.

It's time for me to leave work and pick up my son, but I will post more to you later, I think.
Hugs,
Myrrh