I had a good weekend with D5. We ran errands, had a picnic lunch, and worked on house stuff together. We went to a friend's house for dinner Saturday evening. Yesterday was more house stuff, meal prep, and cleaning. We stepped out to a St. Patrick's Day celebration at a local coffee shop. There is a very cute barista who works there who I make idle chit chat with time to time when I visit. Nothing serious, because I don't even know how old she is. If I were to venture a guess, maybe early 20s? Anyway, we listened to live music, had some coffee together (I had coffee. She did not), and generally enjoyed the company. That evening we settled in and got ready for the week.
Quiet week ahead. I am doing taxes today. Not much else going on until this Saturday. I am going clubbing with my WW's uncle and his gf and a few friends. The following Monday I am going to another speed dating event. I need to get to RotG Day 7 challenge. I'm hoping that I can work on that sometime this week.
Had an interesting blow-up last Friday. I woke up super grumpy and just in general did not want to talk. My grumpiness led to my thoughts of what WW is doing and it just made me angrier. WW called me and I was very short with her. She sarcastically told me to have a good day and I abruptly ended the call. I called an hour later to let her know that I was sorry. She laid into me about my attitude this week and how she has had to swallow my outbursts and save face in front of her friends. She told me that despite a good friend of her's dying, she kept it together. She continued on and told me how my outbursts and snippiness paints me as more of a a-hole and pr*ck. She further told me that when I act like that she breaks down crying and it ruins her whole day (???). I validated her feelings. I told her about how my moods and ourbursts affected her and that I was working on fixing it. I told her it is obviously taking time to turn it around but I am doing my best. She got in another dig and told me that she spent a long time sacrificing herself to placate my feelings and that I somehow made it about me. I was continuing to tell her about what I have been working on. That further rankled her because I was using a lot of "I" statements during my explanation. She told me that I was making it about me again. I calmly told her that it was not the case. I told her that the reason I am currently talking to her and using the "I statements was not a ploy to get pity or sympathy from her. I told her that I am doing it is because I can control my actions and behaviors. I told her that I am recognizing more and more about my contribution to this sitch and how it truly hurt her. I further told her that I am recognizing her support for me over the years and that it was something that I never truly appreciated until it was gone from me. I made certain that I did not accuse her of anything or that it was not enough. I validated everything she told me. She told me that she is trying to keep it together despite having problems finding a 3rd job and finding a place that she can afford. I don't know if she is lying about the new place part or not. I assume that she is lying and she will be moving into OM2's place late May/early June. I did not tell her that. I don't think I will tell her. It is not going to be constrictive and will only cause more lashing out. I could hear sobbing the entire 30 or so minutes of our conversation.
I ended the call telling her that it is all going to be ok. That things will fall into place and it will work out. She irritably told me "ok" and ended the call. I got a text later from her apologizing for her angry behavior. I told her that she has nothing to apologize for. I further told her that she has every right to feel angry and that she made a lot of valid points during our conversation.
Our interactions over the rest of the weekend were more playful and positive.
It's hard to let things go. It's hard to not be hurt and angry. It's even harder not to tell her how it has truly hurt me. And I may never get that chance. I am working on accepting that possibility. It's all a part of detachment right?
