Thanks for taking the time to respond to my sitch. I guess I am going around in circles. You are right, I need to stay focused on my goals. I do believe that we have made a lot of progress since I started to db. This is a recap of it:
before dbing:
H said he wasn't in love with me anymore, doesn't know if he ever was, he was unhappy because of our marriage, was in love with OW. Wanted to be separated but live in the same house, said he would sleep on the couch, no more showers or ML. Told me to move on. I was begging, crying etc...
After dbing:
-continues to ML,shower, sleep with me, doesn't tell OW that we still do -admits that he is at fault for not telling me his true feelings about issues over the past year -admits that he was actually was in love with me, that he still loves me very much, but not 'in love'. -admits that he rarely ML with OW, that no-one turns him on the way I do. -admits that he has thought about coming back to me, but can't get past the anger, is scared he never will. -admits he hates thinking of me being with someone else -admits that he can't imagine life without me in it. -admits that he is very confused, wishes one of us would let him go. -admits that he picks fights with me so that I get angry and leave for a while - this may make him realize if he is just kidding himself about being with OW and not with me. -admits that he may not be 'in love' with OW, but there are elements there -admits that things may not work out with OW. -admits that all he does with OW is have fun, not based in reality. -admits he misses me all the time and hates hurting me. -when he is drunk or off his meds he tells me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. -still asks me to do stuff - go to bars, dinner, movies etc... -admits that he is being stupid, that he is fooling himself. I know that my H still has strong feelings for me, but he is scared to come back to me, he is happy when he is with OW, but he is also unhappy when he is not with me. He is very confused about which relationship to pursue.
I have tried to apply DB principles:
-be his friend -be the fun, easy-going person he fell in love with -lost 30 pounds and look the way I used to when we met -try to validate and be understanding of his feelings -don't make ultimatums or threats - no pressure -be physically closer to him -to go out with my friends and do things for myself
I believe that the above is keeping us close, but he continues to see OW. I can be the most wonderful, sexy person in the world, but if he can't forgive the past, what more can I do?
After reading Annalise perspective, it seems like I am enabling him, I am afraid of this. Do I need to be the one to force him to realize what he is doing? How do I do that? Do I take a stand? Doesn't this go against everything in DB?
Sinjin, yes when I apply some DB tecniques they work to get his attention and admit things to me, but IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE BOTTOM LINE - he is still seeing OW, still thinks we won't work out. How long do I need to keep doing the above?
When you say that ML is a powerful tool what do you mean? Are you saying that I can use this to my advantage? how? I could stop ML with him, but this was one of the problems we had before - he felt I didn't care if we ML or not. Also, won't he turn to OW more? I could continue to ML with him, but does that enable him to continue with OW?
Right now I will continue to try to DB as above, I will continue to ML with him as long as I AM comfortable with it. I will continue to be his friend, listen and validate as much as possible. Other than this I am at a loss.
I can stay home, but then he might never realize what he would be missing if I wasn't there for him. So should I stay but insist that we just act as friends - no showers, ml, sleeping together - this might have the same effect as me being gone, without actually leaving (he will realize that he needs me)
Should I just act the same - 'as if' OW doesn't exist like it says to in DB? Doesn't this send the message that I am okay with him being with OW? Doesn't this remove the guilt factor?
I can't find the right balance between 'enabling' him and 'pushing' him away.
