Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife

[P_Jam]

Some Journaling:

Had a decent weekend, I think I was able to find the balance between being rude/ignoring and being around/present with my wife without any pursuing. It felt like detaching with love. I hope this is a correct evaluation. Both kids were very sick with flu and it was all about working together to get through the days and nights with the kids. As usual, we did VERY well. We know how to co-parent! I'm still amazed at how much my wife is attached to the kids. I think it is good but it makes me curious if maybe she is not as far down the affair fog rabbit hole as others.

It was the first weekend of flag football for the boys but because they were sick they could not play. I went to pick up their Jersey's and meet their coaches. As it was the first game there was a lot of chaos and I ended up sticking around to help both coaches coach the kids throughout the games. I'm usually never the first one to volunteer to be head coach, but I love jumping in and adding value as the assistant. Which is what I did again this time. Frankly, I think the other parents felt I was better than the head coach. It was a weird moment for me. My wife was not there as she was with the sick kids, but this is where she really shines on the sidelines with the other Moms. And I know she would really love and appreciate the effort I put in at these games. I was sentimental/sad/happy all at the same time. More happy and sentimental than sad because I just felt there was NO WAY she would really want to give all of this up?? My wife is not rude to me and I know she wants to see if our relationship will work out. She just doesn't realize that we cannot work on this relationship while she is have EA/PA. For her, I believe she thinks she is 'comparing' to see what will make her happy. Yes, I know she is trying set up a back-up plan for me the H to be option B - but none of the other affairs are really that serious. So I don't think she is doing this on purpose - more subconsciously. Which makes it tough, because I want to continue to show her 180 and all that she is missing.

Am I in denial or could my wife be 'not as bad as others'? Because of my 'snooping' I'm well aware that she has a very hard time not "getting in trouble" when she goes out. I can recognize the compulsion - although she thinks its because of me or bad relationship instead of realizing the drug/addiction. But I do know she is struggling with it a little bit. She is not as "gung ho" as some of the other sitches I have read about. It would seem reasonable that if she were to get int some IC she might just start to realize what is going and as well as get some tools advice to actually focus and deal with what is going on in her head, as apposed to just living through it.

This weekend I did take an indirect approach to let her know that I'm aware of the last PA with the random hookup. Through text she was informed that I was told about the situation. So at least now, she will have some idea in her head as to why I might be passive aggressive. I'm hoping it adds some guilt as well too, but more importantly it at least creates something for her to think about in regards to our daily interactions. She can no longer believe that this event is her little secret. I'm hoping this knowledge and my GAL will help her feel like she is the one getting dumped now (adding that 'loss') that hopefully will begin to break the fog.

My goal/plan is to continue to do a little snooping for the next couple of days to see if I can gain any insight into how this might affect her mindset. by the end of this week I plan to stop ALL snoopoing and began to focus my detachment on me and not her response. This will take time and work. Right now the snooping is an addiction that I need to cut.. She moves out in 3 weeks, I want to have the snooping addiction cleared before she actually leaves. Kinda like a runway to her moving out. I know this is necessary, i'm just not there yet. I also believe I'm doing all the 'right' things, just with the wrong motives as I'm still to focused on her.

Feeling caught in the middle, as it still seems like there is a lot of potential for our relationship (aside for the PA/EA). She is not telling me it's over. She really never has. Am I doing this correctly based on this???