thank you for your insight Annalise, I realize that I am analysing everything too much, I am trying to be myself, and am generally pleasant around him.
The only time I argue with H is when he crosses the line. He is having problems keeping the boundaries - which have nothing to do with him seeing OW. He is to be responsible with money - He has spent thousands of dollars going out with OW - I have been trying to reduce our debt for the past year so we could afford to have a baby - I did it all for nothing since he blew our budget in 3 months - yet he still says I didn't want to give him a child, forgetting that he agreed that we should wait till we had more money.
He also promised that our son (he is not our biological child, he is our nephew but we are his custodial parents) would not be affected by this. He has had enough turmoil in his life, being rejected by both of his natural parents.
We both agreed that until we make a decision one way or the other, we would not let it affect him - introducing OW to our son was a complete betrayal and H acknowledges that. (he is only 8, has no clue what is going on, so I doubt he is stratagizing anything...)
As for the ML, I ML with my husband because I am in love with him, I am his wife. Why should anyone feel less respect for me because of this? I am the one who has the right to be with him, not her, in God's eyes and mine. I agree my H is the one who is being a whore, but OW does know that we were still ML, except for maybe the past 2 months. She got angry and told him that he doesn't need to have sex with me, that he could get it from her anytime. I told H that he needs to be honest with OW and himself. He admits that he loves both of us, but in different ways. I am NOT using ML as a strategy to win him back. My H is not a womanizer - he has only been with me, his first deceased wife, and now OW. Sex and physical touch are very emotional connections for him, it is the way he expresses his feelings. If and when I do not feel comfortable ML with him I don't - for example if I know he is going out to see her in a few hours, I won't ML with him and I tell him why.
I agree that it is better for us to stay in our home together. I guess I am just scared that this situation will continue forever - kind of like the limbo land you are in. I don't want to waste years of my life and then in the end have nothing. I want to have a family and a child of my own - I am 33, this mess we are in will take at least a year or two to put behind me - that leaves me what - 2 years to fall in love again, get married and have kids?
I know women have babies even into their 40's now, but it gets harder to conceive after 35, also there are more health risks etc... For the first time in my life I am now hearing that biological clock ticking - it is there in the background and I know it is influencing me in a negative way, causing me to make more panicky decisions. I need to ignore it I guess if I want to concentrate on winning back my H.
