I am both a W and an OW at present, so I realize that in a way I'm the "enemy" and maybe you don't want my response, but apparently that is not going to stop me.
Little disclaimer: IF you are following DB rules, I want you to know that I am NOT familiar with them. I did read DB years ago, but I've forgotten most of it by now.
Loosing this prize of an H may be the best thing that ever happened to you, just like my H losing wayward me would prolly be in his best interest, too, but let's put those GLARING facts aside for now.
Okay... you are super concerned and confused about "what to do" and how to "play" all the million variables involved. What if it DOESN'T EVEN MATTER? I personally think that WHAT you do or don't do is not nearly as important as HOW you do it. You are finding this out!... you yourself just said that you have tried to play this many different ways, and the results are UNPREDICTABLE. So, guess what? No matter what you do from now on, the results are going to be unpredictable!!! So you might as well stop stressing, because this thing is not totally under your control. While you are strategizing, so is H, and (trust me!) so is OW! Believe it or not, even your son is strategizing.
So you can focus all your energy on "what to do" (strategy) which is complicated and maddening and kind of demeaning, OR you can focus all your energy on doing what seems AUTHENTIC to you.
That means BE YOURSELF. Authenticity is VERY appealing. It's like a magnet. Why does everyone love Oprah? She's authentic. She bases her words and actions on what is in her heart and soul, and she TALKS to people openly and with both strength and vulnerability, confidence or uncertainty, depending on HOW SHE REALLY FEELS. Why is she so successful in whatever she does? She's authentic, and it draws people to her causes.
The cool thing about authenticity is that you always know EXACTLY what to do. Always! Because the answer is always "I should do what's in my heart, I should do what feels right for me." Now, strategizers will say "Bad advice, you can loose the war by doing what's in your heart!" True, but you can also loose the war trying to do what you THINK will work, or by "going by the book," especially if you really can't pull it off or aren't consistent! And you can definitely loose by driving yourself crazy over how to "play" every little battle, and losing site of the war. You cannot have a normal life OR win this war, agonizing over how long to sit with H in the living room!
By contrast, just being Authentic is CENTERING, it will keep you in BALANCE. It may win or lose this war, but guess what? Either way it goes, you will be able to say to yourself "I did it MY way!" If you win, won't that be a nice feeling to know that he came back to YOU, to your authentic self, without you having to play strategy games?
I am about to enter grad school, for psychology. TRUST ME, I could play some sophisticated strategies to try to win my OM! Mind strategies AND practical strategies. It's tempting! But, I asked myself a year ago... "If I LOOSE, do I want to have to say to myself "I wonder if he would have chosen me if I had just simply come accross as MYSELF?" NO! I do not ever want to have to wonder that. So, I just keep coming across as ME, with both my H and OM, and they are both still around, go figure, without a single strategy in place.
Authenticity doesn't mean you can't strategize the DB way, or any other way. You can!! If you authentically decide you want to put your authenticity on hold while you committ to "A METHOD" of relating to your spouse, fine! Is that what you want to do?...
If so, GET YOUR GAME ON PROPERLY, at least! You do not sound like you are calmly following a prescribed game plan... you sound like you are "winging it" from situation to situation, and NO strategy is going to work unless you plan it out IN ADVANCE! So if you really want to "strategize" (and that is the kind of advice you seem to be asking for!) then I think you should read DB again. Carefully. Map out a PLAN. Stick to it. If you were doing that, these questions you have would answer themselves. If you had a plan, you would only be coming here for support for what you ALREADY KNOW TO DO, get it?
Whether or not to ML with a man is probably THE most personal decision a woman can make about her body and her emotions. And you are willing to decide whether or not to sleep with hubby based on how effective it MIGHT be as a relationship STRATEGY? And you are calling the OW a "whore?" Please. Your H is the whore, and both you and OW are sleeping with him. Except she doesn't KNOW she is sleeping with a whore, and you do.
Do you ever think maybe you have lost a little soul to the "strategy" method, when you could probably get him back just as easily by being disarmingly AUTHENTIC?
I do not ML with my H because I am in love with OM, and it would cause me too much conflict to be close to my H while having those feelings about OM. I do not ML with OM either, for lots of reasons. One, he does not wish to leave his W for me, and I love him deeply, so I do not want the pain of having to loose him after ML. It is already painful enough, without that! Two, I am having this affair openly, because I do not lie to my H, so I have caused my H enough pain, and even though OM and I have "made out" with eachother, at least I can say to my H "we did not ML and aren't going to" which is at least something.
If my H were having an affair, I would be just as upset either way, whether he kissed or ML to another woman!... but everyone is different, and my H tells me it is very important to HIM that I do not ML with OM. Third, I have selfishly taken enough from my OM's W, without ML to her H. Fourth, I do not want to increase my OM's guilt and level of betrayal by ML.
I am not saying I am good or noble because I am not ML to either man in my life right now. NO, I am a cheating "whore" whether I do that or not, I realize! BUT what I am saying is that I make my decision about ML based on my heart and soul, not based on a strategy that may or may not "work". If I knew FOR SURE that ML to OM would win him from his W, sure, I would sell out my "authenticity" in a heart beat and jump in the sack. But, I do not know that for sure, so WHY BOTHER to do something that goes against my grain?
I suspect when you ML to H you have mixed feelings about it now! Also, how do you feel to know that he must disrespect you a bit for ML to him? Even though he would deny that, isn't that what he is saying when he says "how could you ML to me knowing that I ML to her?" Sure, he is saying to himself "Wait a minute, do I really want a W who would lower herself this way? Do I really want membership in a club that would have a cad like ME as member?" Meanwhile, he respects his OW because he THINKS she would be history if she knew he was ML to you.
This is getting too long! I just wanted to say... EITHER just be authentic, or cooly strategize. Either option is fine, but PICK! You cannot be truly authentic worrying about strategy, and you cannot strategize unless you can be COOL or at least do a good job of pretending to be cool. Yelling at someone for an hour is not being cool, unless that was part of your strategy, and if it was, you need a new strategy.
EXAMPLE of what I mean:
"Do I move out or continue to live with H?"
Authenticity: Do I enjoy living with H these days? Do I still feel good about it? Does it work for my life right now? What's best for my son? How do I think I would feel, living on my own? I know my H better than anyone... What does my gut tell me about how moving out or staying here will affect my M?
Strategy: Hmmm... the research shows that couples who separate and live apart have a much smaller chance of actually getting back together than do couples who remain in the same household. I better try to keep the bastard under my roof.
And by the way... the research really DOES show that, so if you are strategizing, stay home, and keep him home, too.
