AS, when you made the choice to move ahead with D did you give a flying Wallenda who she was messaging? Of course not. When you say "do you think we'll have a 16th anniversary?" do you think that will make her think you are moving on or still attached? When you confront her about messaging some guy with kissing faces, do you think she will think "wow, he is moving on!" or will she think "I still have him by the short curlies if he is still keeping tabs on who I message!" Did you read my story about my W? How she openly rebelled against my having spyware on her computer, and didn't move back to the MR until after I uninstalled it and told her she was free to do whatever she wanted?
Luca, Steve is right, when you get to the point of wanting to initiate D yourself it has nothing to do with hoping you'll wake your W up or snap her out of it. I mean I can hardly believe I have to say this (but this isn't the first time): divorce is NOT a tactic to save your marriage! That would seem to go without saying, LOL! Anyway as Steve said, when I got to the point of pushing the D through it wasn't out of anger or malice or desperation. I was ready to move on. I didn't have a care in the world who she was messaging or spending the night with or whatever. It just didn't matter to me anymore. The woman I fell in love with and married was long gone at that point, and the person who replaced her wasn't someone I was attracted to or had much interest in seeing or interacting with beyond co-parenting. All the LBS fog was gone, the rose-colored glasses were off and the decision was made based on what was best for me moving forward.
You have to get to that same point, and you have to be there a long time before pulling the trigger in my opinion. If there is any question or doubt in your mind then no you are not ready yet. At first you may go 4 or 5 days convinced you want D and then have a day where you question it. You are STILL not ready if that happens. When you get to the point where whenever you think about it you think "yes that needs to happen" and there are no doubts ever, and you feel like that for a month or more, then you're getting there. Honestly in the months before D I didn't even really think about it that much. It wasn't something I laid awake at night thinking about. But when I did think about it my thoughts were usually "yeah we need to get this over with". IE, the marriage had been over a long time and it was just a formality that needed to be taken care of.
