On friday I went to a bridal shower, H went to the movies with our son.
On Saturday night, I put on this REALLY sexy outfit to go clubbing. But then I took it off to shave my legs. He asked me why I needed to shave my legs if I was wearing pants? I said cause there are slits in the side that show my legs. He said 'yeah sure, whatever'. Then he left to go out with OW.
Later that night I was talking to my son and I found out my H invited the OW to the movies with our son the night before. Naturally I totally lost it - he agreed not to bring her near our home or family. She was introduced to our son as a friend. I called his cell and left a very angry message
On sunday when he came home he asked if I was mad at him, I said what the [censored] do you think? I said how dare he bring that whore near our son? I said did you have a nice little family outing? I told him that if he thinks he can replace me with her in our son's eyes he is crazy. I told him that he doesn't know right from wrong anymore. I said that he wanted one of us to let him go? Well I am letting him go, I told him that we are going to be separated for real, I would no longer be there for him. He could sleep outside for all I care. I told him to be happy with his [censored] whore, that I hope she was worth losing everything for. I screamed at him for about 1 hour, normally he wouldn't take it, he would argue back. But he was quiet. When I was done I left the room.
Later he came over and said he wanted to talk to me. He apoligized for what he did. He told me he didn't think it would upset me so much. He said that it wasn't planned, that she called and he told her that they were going to watch a movie, she said she could meet them there. He said that he introduced her as a friend to our son, that they barely talked. They didn't hold hand or kiss or do anything to indicate that they were more than friends. After they left in separate cars. He told me that he wouldn't bring her out with our son again. He told me that he would never try to replace me with our son and he was sorry I felt like that is what he was doing.
He told me that he was upset yesterday when he seen that I was going out clubbing. He said he hates to think of me with someone else, but then he thinks about what he is doing with OW and he knows that it is his fault. He told me that I shouldn't wait for him while he tries to sort out his head. I said what happens if you sort it out, but it is too late (meaning I have moved on)? He said that then it would be his loss. I agreed.
He asked me if I was going out for father's day? (last week he told me he wasn't going to come with me) I told him yes, that I was meeting my family for dinner at six. He asked me if he could come along. I said sure, if you want to. So we went. It was actually pretty fun. Sometimes I forget about our true situation.
When we got home, he said he was going to sleep on the couch. I said that was a good idea. He looked hurt and said what did I mean? I just shrugged my shoulders. After he came to the room and asked if he could please sleep in our bed? I said okay, but that if we were truly separated, I wouldn't be here for him to sleep with. He said he understands that. I asked him if he really wants to be separted that we should start acting like it. He said I was right, but that it was very hard.
He said he is all torn up inside that he cares so much about 'that other one', but he can't let go of me either. I told him that he better make up his mind before it is too late.
I got really sad, he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I found out my cousin is pregnant. I said that I was sad cause I was supposed to be pregnant by this summer too. He said softly, but you didn't want to have a baby with me remember? I said that wasn't true. He said if I really did want to have a baby that we could have one now, but that our relationship wasn't very stable, did I still want to have one with him even if in the end we can't work things out? I said I don't know. He said for me to think about it....
We are both really screwed up huh? 2 weeks ago I was telling him that if he really wanted to have a baby we could have one right now. It's like we have reversed roles....
We were hugging and we ended up ML twice during the night.
Yesterday, he asked me if I wanted him to stop seeing OW and stay with me. I said yes. He said 'even if she makes me happy?" I said no then, stay with her. It really hurt to hear him say that she makes him happier than I do.
After he said that I told him that I was going to sleep now, I wasn't mean or upset, but he knew I was hurting. He hugged me and told me that he wanted to talk to me.
He told me that he has thought about coming back to me a few times, but then he gets angry. Angry about all the things in the past. He gave me the same examples as before, (most of these things happened over 2 years ago). I explained to him that I didn't understand how important those things were to him, that I asked him how he felt back then and he would always say he was okay with my decisions. How was I supposed to know how he really felt? I couldn't read his mind. He agreed that he was at fault because he never told me the truth about his feelings, he just kept everything inside. He grew angrier and angrier at me over time, and now he doesn't think he will ever stop. He says he doesn't know if he and OW will last much longer, but he can't see himself coming back to me now either.
I told him again that he needs to learn to forgive me and let go of the anger. He said how? I said I don't know.
He asked me to please try to be his friend, that when I fight with him, it just makes him angrier and drives him farther away. He said he thinks that I am telling his mom everything and that he is sick of her meddling. I told him I will tell her again to back off. He said she is making things much worse for us.
He told me that he fights with OW about me often. He said that many times they are talking and he will mention me, saying stuff like 'oh s and I went to that,' or s and I have one of those'. He said that we are so entwined together. He also said that if the situation were reversed, he would let me go and find my happiness. I told him that it was easy for him to say that cause he is not the one whose heart is broken. He told me he is hurting real bad too. He says he thinks about the pain he is causing me all the time. He says he hates hurting me, but doesn't want to spend the rest of his life miserable either. I told him that I am trying to be his friend, but that he has to act more responsibly towards our son and his spending. I reminded him that I don't bother him when he goes out with OW, only when he does something against our agreement. He agreed.
I am very confused right now, I don't know what to do.
-I know that when I back off or act like I have a life outside of him - he does react - he tells me that he misses me etc... but there is no change in sitch.
-If I am angry at him or call his bluff - he reacts by being more honest about his feelings, telling me that he doesn't know what he wants yet etc...
-Do I keep ML with him? This is a very powerful connection between us - one he admits he doesn't share with OW.
-How do I act like I am just his friend? Doesn't that send the message that I am okay with him and OW? That I don't care enough to fight for him? One of the miscommunications we had is that he thought I didn't really care that much about him.
-should I agree to one of us moving out? He said that it might be a good idea cause then he would see if he can be happy without me or if he is fooling himself?
-should we live together but I spend a LOT less time with him? Leave him alone in the room instead of sitting with him the whole time? Stop sleeping in the same bed? Stop always being there to support him? Will this make him realize what his life will be like if I am gone -without really leaving??? Won't this make me seem bitchy or uncaring?
I have so many options, and so many of them are opposite of each other. I have tried so many different things, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. In the end we are still in the same position we were at the beginning of this mess....
