I am sorry you're having a rough time of it but rest assured, we all have. We got through it (or are getting through it) and you will too! This isn't about success or failure, you are on a journey of change. You were put on this journey against your will but often in life we have these changes of direction thrust upon us and all we can do is make the best of it that we can.
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The last 2 days I have been depressed to the point of suicidal.
Go to your doctor and tell them you've had suicidal thoughts and think you may be in depression. They'll give you a questionnaire to fill out so they can evaluate where you are and what kind of treatment to pursue. Please do not think this will just go away on its own, it probably won't. Don't be afraid of taking medication for it and don't be scared you'll have to be on the medication forever because often that's not the case. For me it really hit me about 3 months post-BD. I thought I was doing fine, then out of nowhere I fell into deep depression and had thoughts of suicide. I saw my doc and went on A/D's and anti-anxiety medication. A month later I felt better than I had since BD, like my old self again. After 3 months on the meds I weaned off (after discussing it with my doc) and had no ill effects from it. I've felt fine ever since. I wish more people here would do this instead of suffering because it was instrumental in my recovery and there is no shame in it. Depression is a medical condition, it's no reflection on you as a person.
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I’m struggling with the thought of spending the rest of my life feeling like this.
This isn't permanent even though it feels like it now. For now don't worry about the future. Don't even think about it. Focus on today, and if that's still too much then focus on the next hour or 10 minutes or whatever it takes.
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I know there are setbacks but can I really start again from here?
Yes of course. We all have/ bad setbacks, it's part of it. All you can do is learn from it and keep moving forward.
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I’m scared and lonely and don’t want this divorce. I want my husband back. I need to remember that this journey will be worth it but for right now I have lost all hope and this weekend just reaffirmed to him that he made the right choice. How do I undo this?
Well you don't "undo" it per se, but what you do is make yourself the best "you" that you can be. You rebuild yourself. Become strong and independent. It takes months and months of hard work. And once you do that you will find yourself caring less about him and more about yourself. THEN he may be attracted to you again. He's not going to be attracted to you when you are sad and depressed and lonely, that will make him run. But when you get back to being strong and confident then that will catch his eye. He'll start to worry about what he's missing.
