Sounds like you are having a hard time of it right now. It's OK. We all get sucked back into the tunnels sometimes. I can hear your pain and your need to desperately understand your W and make sense of all this. Sometimes there is no reason that will make sense to you because we are dealing with emotions and not logic. Your W sounds like a good person, who is (in her own messed up way) trying to do the right thing, in her mind live her authentic self, and cause as little hurt to you as she can. Be glad of that. There are others here who have lived with people who have done unspeakable things in the name of 'finding themselves'.
Originally Posted by Yail
There aren't as many NC/low contact couples on this board. Some days it is easier. But somedays the expanse of unanswered "what is going on with you?" questions is so hard. I have no barometer.
Seeing them every day does not give you a window into their souls. It does not provide answers. I have to try and not read into his every word and action because otherwise I would go crazy trying to interpret: "What was behind that look", "What did he mean when he said X", is he angry?, is he lonely?, is he happier now?. It doesn't help so I push the thoughts away and try and do my best to live my life with no expectations from him. Sometimes I think it would be easier not to see him as I am less anxious that way. There are pros and cons to both. Yes, you don't have a barometer but you are also not dissecting interactions, sensing a small glimmer of hope in an unexpected smile or recoiling to lick your wounds when they say something that reminds you you are no longer together.
Originally Posted by Yail
I struggle with wondering if D = the end. I know not always. I know some truly do reconnect. I know if we got a D right now I wouldn't be done - but I'm not sure how I'd proceed with that. If I'm D and we are NC ... am I really going to wait even if I know W is worth it? Worth it - but not guaranteed. How do you balance that?
You live your life. One day after the next, one step in front of the other, one breath at a time. You will build a life Yail. And it will be a wonderful one. Is D the end. Only if you stand down. And you might do. You might be out one day and realise that you are no longer standing. You will be out with friends, or sitting in a park reading a book, or holding hands with another woman, and you will know you have stood down. Let it be. I know it's tough. I miss the last phone call of the day. The kiss on my shoulder before I fall asleep. Winding down after putting the kids to bed, cuddled together on the sofa. But these things are gone. And I have to remember how to live. So do you.
