Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[roist]

Gordie, It is helpful to be able to step back and see clearly our own situation. Many cannot achieve that because so much clouds their vision. So good on you.

When BD hits us the LBS knee jerks reaction is to save their great M that thy took for granted. The WAs becomes idolised and something we want more than anything else. She/he is THE one. We then expand our understanding about where we went wrong, the responsibility of both in that. We see all the faults and cracks that were there unseen for years and get a glimpse to what a prefect M would look like. That is what we strive for.

But just like no spouse is perfect, no M is either. I look around at some married couples and think that I am lucky to not have some stuff that they do going on in my M. Imagine that! I am not talking big stuff like cheating or alcoholisme etc, but how they speak to each other or treat each other. Now that my eyes are opened I see a lot more than before and it is shocking the amount of unhealthy interactions we observe if we pay attention.

Why do I say this to you? Because not being perfect is normal for a M. With one spouse not fully committed, evenmoreso. Don't look for perfection. Aim for the best you can and for the moment concentrate on those justified criticisms. Are they correctable and if your M was perfect, would you make the effort to correct them?

Most unjustified criticisms should be let flow off, but not all. A balance needs to be found. Some can be easily ignored as you see they come from her being in a bad place. But don't become an easy target that accepts all hits.

Best wishes