still in limbo.........

[roist]

Roist, Job and OneArt…...thank you for the replies.

I made a decision to reach out to H on Friday to see if he would be interested in going to the park with me and the dog. He did not reply so I reached out again today and said "never heard back form you, we are headed to the park and would love to see you." He replied and said he would meet us there. Today, we meet and there was awkwardness (on his part) when we arrived. I said hello first and he did not reply, not a great feeling to not have him say hello back. I later asked him if he heard me and he said he did and didn't know why he didn't say anything back.

He greeted the dog and we started off to the park. The conversation of the new dog came up quickly and he said the reason he did not tell me was because he had been struggling whether it was the right thing to do. He didn't want it to seem like he was replacing the one that passed away. He has been lonely in his house. He talked quite a bit, mostly about himself and his new dog that is coming, and how he is currently dog sitting. He spoke about his work and said that he was glad I asked him to come out to meet them cause he knew we needed to talk about 'us." I mentioned that my intent was not for us to speak about us our marriage or lack there of, and that I simple wanted today to be about him spending time with the dog and seeing how he was. Unfortunately that did not last long...….

Why did you make contact to invite H? I don't need to know, but it could help you if you uncover exactly what motivated you.

I know you are upset that he spent 1000 on another dog. I agree, especially when there are many free dogs around. But look at it another way. Many LBS here wish that their WAS would seek company of a dog to fill their loneliness!! Much better than other alternatives.

He blamed me for why he has not reached out to see the dog. When he said that I told him that upsets me because I didn't feel like it was up to me whether he saw the dog or not. I could feel myself getting angry so I told him to please leave me alone for a little bit......and he did. He later came back and said he did not want me to think he was blaming me because he knows it is really about him. He said he still has a lot of fear when it comes to talking about things, mostly things that are uncomfortable to him. He said he is working on it as best he can. He then started talking about how he knows he still has a lot of work to do.

We continued to talk about him and how he is still living in fear of judgement and how others perceive him, and how his pride really does take over when he makes decisions. He said he the reason he waited so long to answer my text yesterday was because he wanted to make sure he was going to say the right thing.

Unfortunately his parents came up in conversation and he said he understands why I am upset about how they treated me but he feels like "at some point I need to let it go." He did ask me if I thought that the reason I did not get along with his parents was the reasons we continued to have issues and I said I did, and he said "it is one of the reasons."

These paragraphs speak tonnes IMO. It shows how he is not in a good state of mind. It proves it even. The good news is that this depression can eventually lift, leaving place for clarity. The bad news isthat for the moment all decisions are clouded by it. I find it positive that he sees he is unhappy, sees his fear, acknowledges not knowing why he does some stuff and most importantly realises he has a lot of work to do on himself and that he has started

Now this is when it got upsetting for me......he said the dreaded "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" statement OUCH!!!! I told him that I understand why he feels that way. I told him that neither one of use has really been honest about how we feel towards each other. I also said that I know I can be very difficult at times, and that I get angry and upset and say hurtful things......and I have no excuse for that. And, the only reason I do that is to make him feel bad.

Ouch. Yeah that gotta hurt you. It is never an easy thing to hear. Don't dwell on it. It is his truth at the moment. That can change. Believe that.

He said no one can make him feel any worse about himself then him. He said everyday he thinks about what he did and how he treated me and the bad choices he made. He then said he wanted a divorce. I asked him why he wanted a divorce and he said he "wasn't happy and didn't want to be married anymore." I asked him if he thought getting a divorce would make him happy and he said "no, it makes me sad thinking about getting a divorce."

This again speaks volumes about his state of mind. He is unhappy with himself. Many LBS understand at least on a surface level what depression can feel like. I can say from experience that it is a terrible horrible place to be. Most WAS associate their spouce/their M to be the source of this feeling and the logical solution is to remove themselves from the situation to feel better. Your H seems to already have an insight into the fact that the problem is deeper within him. That is a huge headstart on many. The fact that it saddens him to think about getting divorced I find positive. I will issue a small warning about it though in that he is likely to be sad about everything anyway. But it does show that he hasn't this rosey picture of the greener grass on the other side and hence has less motivation to pursue it.

He then said he went to see lawyer and can not afford to pay the retainer fee. He then asked me if we needed a lawyer in order to get a divorce. I took that to mean he wanted us to do some sort of an online divorce. We don't have kids and we don't have community property any longer because I sold the house previously. THEN IT CAME......"and I think we should split all the money that is in the bank" ……...then the anger in me came out...not one of my better moments.

He does not have one dime of money in any sort of savings account and has never contributed to the current savings accounts. I also have a 401K, as well as an IRA and a different savings account that I opened after BD.

H has had another reality check and can see the expensive side of D. There are surely many other costs that he cannot see too. It is good that he saw that before launching the D boat. Don't help him find a cheap D. Tell him that whatever way it proceeds you will ensure it is done right even if that is more expensive. Don't elaborate but it is just to show you won't be pushed over to accommodate him.

Maybe you need to seek legal advice about your rights and his regarding "your" money. Take the advice and safeguard it. Once you are reassured about that or at least clear where you stand, hopefully it will not be a source of further

I told him that I did not want a divorce but would not stand in his way if he felt like he needed to proceed with one. I then said to him that I think that the both of us have not done the work needed to make this marriage work. I took FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my anger, frustration, resentment and any negative emotion that I had during our marriage as well as after BD and up until today. I also said I felt like he did not really want a divorce but didn't know what else to do and thinks that this is it.

I apologized for raising my voice and apologized for saying mean things to him. Hearing myself speak like that tells me I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO!!!!!

On several different points, you talked about your anger. Whereas I understand why you are angry, I can assure you that it will not serve you well. You have identified it as a point to work on. Outline how you plan to do that. Imagine the difference it could make in your interactions with H if it wasn't there. Anger clouds our vision too, so it can influence you in a way you would otherwise not choose.

Before we left he agreed to go to discernment counseling, and we both agreed to not to speak to anyone about what we spoke about today regarding the divorce.

I am so sad

Overall there are many positives about this painful interaction. However the overall point is that H is still at a very low point and has a lot of work and time before that can change. If you can accept that, it should be easier to leave him to it and not push for more meetings etc. He needs time and space. It is positive that he is open with you and that he is willing to meet you. Give him time and maybe he will WANT to meet you.

So what are you going to use that required time and space to do yourself? I don't just mean working on yourself but also to enjoy life.

Best wishes