thanks almost 40 and kitkat, I have more drama to report, I swear everytime I say I am going to back off, more s&*(t hits the fan....
He didn't show up until 4am, he knew he had to drive me to work for an early meeting at 7am. I still woke him up and he drove me with no complaint. I thanked him.
On thurs after work we were regrouting a table that we made for our patio. It's long and tedious work. He was being a jerk, making comments about me finding a guy etc...While we were out there his cell phone rang, he looked at it and said 'oh, I guess I can't take this call'. I said (stupidly) 'if you don't want to talk to her, I have a few things I'd like to say.' He got pissed and said that he wasn't taking the call out of respect for me. He asked me what I wanted to tell her? I said the truth about us. He said why, what difference does it make, what happens between you and me, and me and her have nothing to do with one another. I got pissed and said that was bullshit, I said you agreed with me that all you do is have fun. Maybe that's because she doesn't know that we sleep together etc... I know everything about our situation, and I am still here, what do you think she would do if she knew?
He said it doesn't matter, that even if they don't work out, he is not coming back to me. I said fine then, what are you waiting for? Go get the divorce papers! He said he was waiting for me to move on. I said bullshit, you are not just waiting for me to move on, you admitted that you are not sure what you want. That you wish that we could be happy like we were before. He said no, that he meant he wished he could be happy with HER, the way we were. I totally lost it, he KNOWS that he meant me, he has said it on more one occasion. I told him that the loser in this situation was our son. He said why cause he won't have you anymore? I said yes, but also because we are supposed to provide him with security and stability and give him an example of what a loving family is. He said that he will have 'someone else' to give him that. I screamed that his bitch will never raise my son. He said whatever. He said that he wasn't going to give me mixed messages anymore, that I would see how he would act from now on. I said oh, so you're going to be an [censored] now? Well I can be a bitch too. We continued to work on the table in silence. After I asked him if he was going out? He said no. I went inside got my purse and told him that I was going out. He came over and hugged me, he told me that he wasn't going to act like an [censored], and that he was sorry for fighting with me, and the things he said. I said me too.
He asked me if he could sleep in our bed, I said sure. I left - This was a 180, I have never gone out on a weeknight and left him at home. I came back about 2 hours later, he was sitting on the couch.
I went to the basement and saw that his laptop from work was on, I have been trying to get into that thing for months. I wanted to see if there were emails etc... between them. I wanted to figure out what their relationship is really like, and maybe what he sees in her.
Anyways he was still logged on so I snooped. I tried a few passwords that he used to use and bingo I got in!
There weren't any emails from her that I could find, however, there were emails back and forth between him and his only friend that knows whats going on. Most of them are from a few months ago. I learned a lot of stuff, I will summarize it:
1. At the beginning, he liked her, but wasn't serious. He felt really guilty about what he was doing to me. He couldn't sleep etc...
2. He didn't trust her, he was checking her emails and she was talking about other guys.
3. She keeps talking about her ex, and it pisses him off.
4. His friend was giving him good advice, telling him that he needs to decide what to do. That he shouldn't leave me for her, that if he is unhappy with me, that he should leave and be on his own for a while. Also that it sounded like they were falling for each other and that he needs to be careful.
5. She lives with her parents.
6. He asked her if she was just having fun with him, found out that she wants the whole package with him - marriage, kids etc... He told her that even if he does leave me, he will not get married to anyone again, not for a VERY long time. (at least he was honest with her about that, but I don't think she believes him)
7. She asked him if he still sleeps with me, he said yes, that I was his wife. She got mad, starting screaming and hitting him. She told him that if he wanted sex, he could get if from her anytime. ([censored] WHORE)
8. He sent her an email that I sent to him, telling him that I was having a hard time adjusting to our separation.
(he probably did this to prove to her that we are separated, but it still felt like a betrayal to me)
Although it really hurt to read his emails, it proved everything I said before is true. I warned him that she would want more than 'fun' from him. I also suspected that she would freak if she found out that we are still sleeping together etc.. He is totally lying to her.
I went upstairs and told him that I was going to sleep now. He hugged me and I told him that he was really stupid for getting involved with this girl, that I didn't appreciate him sending her my personal messages to him.
I also told him that since he can get all the sex he needs from her, I would no longer be sleeping with him. I also told him that I am an idiot for trusting him, that I won't forgive him for hurting me this way. I was angry and upset, but very matter of fact.
He couldn't believe I found out all this stuff, he asked me if I hired a private investigator. I said no, then he asked me if I talked to her? I said no, he didn't believe me, he wanted to know what we said to each other. I told him that he is so lousy at covering his tracks, that I don't need to talk to her or hire a PI. He was so freaked, I told him that i read his emails to his friend. He seemed relieved. Then he was dumbfounded at how I got into his laptop, he told me that I would make an excellent detective, he wasn't being sarcastic, more like he admired me. I actually felt proud of myself (Is this sick or what?? haha)
Anyways I told him, in a very calm detached voice, that he has dug himself into a hole and I don't know how he is going to get out. I told him that I was going to get an aids test done because she is obviously a whore, who was talking to other guys even when she was with him. I told him that I don't trust him when he says he uses protection with her, I need to take care of myself.
I told him that I hope she ends up being worth losing everything, but that I know she is not.
We went to the room and he told me that he was worried about me, that he always worries about me when I go out. He told me that he tried to sleep in our bed, but couldn't sleep there without me so he went to the couch. I asked him what he was going to do when I leave (usually I say 'if' I leave) He said he won't be able to sleep at home without me. He then made some confessions to me.
He told me that he picks fights with me because he wants me to get so mad that I leave. Then he can see if he is fooling himself believing that we are over. (great logic huh? - He can't decide that unless I am actually gone)
I told him that I have tried to leave before, but he always stops me. I told him that he will miss me when I am gone. He said he misses me now.
He said that when he is with her, he is happy, he doesn't think about anything else except for her (and our son.)When he is with me, he keeps thinking of ways to break us up. I told him that is because she is an escape from reality for him. I am the postersign for real life.
He said he is being torn apart inside, that is why he wishes he never met her. He wants to be with her but that we are so intwined together that it would be easier for him to cut off his leg then to leave me. He said he knows he is being stupid, that what he wants is unattainable
(? - it's attainable with me you idiot). He started crying, hard. I just held him. He asked me what he should do? He said he feels like dying. I told him that I read an article that I think will help him, it is about the person having the affair. He said yes, he would like to read it. I also told him that he needs to stop running away from his unhappiness, that he keeps going for the quick fixes. I told him he should read the book on depression, that he needs to understand why he isn't happy in life. He was silent on this. (he still doesn't believe depression has anything to do with our problems)
We went to bed but I couldn't sleep, I told him that I was going for a smoke, he grabbed me and asked me to please not leave him alone in the bed, even if he fell asleep. He said he didn't want to wake up and find me gone. I said okay and continued to hug him. I told him that I have had to wake up alone many times over the past few months.
In the morning, there was tension between us. I was sad, he wasn't sure how to act and neither was I. I know that I told him no more sex, but I wonder if that was a good idea? Maybe I will just let things cool off for a bit. I don't want to lose that connection with him unless I actually leave him for a while.
He was still very touch feely with me, and I was with him too.
We were working together outside again and I told him that I knew that she wanted more from him. He said it doesn't matter, that no-one is going to tell him what to do. He said he never wants to be in the position the two of us ar in again.
He asked me to sit on his lap. I went over and he started kissing me, he gave me a hickey. So I said I would return the favour - at first he resisted, then he said okay, give me one here - pointing to his upper chest as opposed to his neck. I gave him one, but it wasn't too big? (much to my dismay) Then I said "you're going to get in trouble hahahaha!" and we both laughed (WTF???)
Does this mean that he WANTS OW to see it?
Or does it mean that they won't sleep together tonight, so she won't see it anyways???
I don't know what the hell is going on, but it is the same story as the past few weeks, he is realizing that he can't let me go so easily, but keeps pulling away from me until I call his bluff. On the other hand, he keeps spending more time with OW.
He asked me to model the dress I bought for my brothers wedding. I said okay. He told me I look so beautiful and sexy. I said thank you. The dress is sleeveless and the straps wrap around my neck. It is very elegant and sexy. I have NEVER worn a sleeveless dress before.
Later he came to the room and told me that he is mad at me cause of the dress and my new 'look'. He said that I waited until 'all of this stuff' happened before I changed. He said he almost feels that I am doing it to spite him. I told him softly that I am sorry he feels that way, I said I am not doing anything to spite him.
He is so resentful and angry at me under the surface.
He is going out with her tonight. Before he left, he asked me if I wanted to go see that Michael Moore movie when it comes out? I said sure. He said remember we both really liked the other one he made? I said yes, I remember.
He said he was going to the gym tommorow night, he asked me to come along. I said yes.
I am not on a roller coaster, instead, I feel like an elastic band, almost everyday our relationship is being stretched in two different directions at the same time - one extreme to the other - then we snap back to the same position again. God give me strength, and give my H the strength to make a decision.
