Grey Havens

[Zues126]

Thanks for the reply Juju.

Most people these days go with the flow and don't worry much about their friends' behavior. Sometimes it's attempting not to judge so they in turn aren't judged. Other times it's because the rule book is so blurry these days it's out of fashion to expect people to follow any rules. I get this completely.

I really looked for guidance on this one. There were a few reasons I decided to create some distance. For one thing, I ask myself "What would happen if everyone acted as I did?" If everyone sent a strong message of distancing themselves to someone doing something wrong, maybe that person wouldn't behave that way. It's a form of love to help someone on a destructive path understand where they have crossed the line. It involves a sacrifice and pain, hoping to help everyone avoid greater pain. It's like there are two things that run our culture - literal laws and social rules. We still enforce laws, but as we as a society stop enforcing social rules we will see a big shift in behavior. For example, if cheating apps and affairs become popularized by people like that Esther woman the reluctance to be outed as a cheater may wane. With one of the biggest deterrents gone more and more people will cheat. And so on. I'm just one person, but I have to cast my vote.

Another thing is we become like our friends. I've thought a lot about why that is. One thing I've come to realize more and more is that being human is potential. When we are young we are told (hopefully) how much potential for greatness we have. We could be president, or an astronaut, or whatever we want. But what we aren't told is that we could also become criminals, drug addicts, morbidly obese, morally bankrupt scum buckets.

There is a quote "People don't rise to the level of their dreams; they sink to the level of their preparation". I heard it originally as a motivational quote that I used to fire myself up to practice pool. But it seemed to be along the same lines. What makes us think we'll soar to our hopes and dreams? Why do we think we won't fall to the depths of despair? Optimism? Sure, maybe. But as I thought about it, I played with the idea of "worst case allowable will become your reality".

What I mean is this. We all have a breaking point in many areas, something gets so bad we can't accept it getting worse. Here are some examples. Weight. Some people get 10lbs heavier than they were and they can't allow it to go any further, they hit the gym. Others might budge 30-40 lbs. And some people might allow themselves to get all the way to 500lbs and just give up. Another example is cleanliness. Some people can't stand a single dirty dish on the counter. Others don't mind a small mess. Then you have hoarders and people with clothes sprawled over their furniture and pizza boxes on the floor. Finally you have people with insect and rodent infestations. The same distributions could be found with personal hygiene, financial stability, career performance, quality of family relationships, and so many other areas.

So what determines what type of life you live? How successful at work you are? How financially stable you are? What types of family relationships you maintain? How clean your house is? How healthy you are? In my theory, the answer is whatever the minimal conditions you are willing to accept will become your reality. This sounds negative, but it kind of makes sense. I mean, who comes home from work and feels like doing dishes? Or working out? Or eating a salad? Or flossing their teeth? A lot of life comes down to a battle between our dislike of doing what we don't want to do, versus a distaste for the consequences of neglect. So by definition we will do as much as we need to in order to avoid the consequences we can't tolerate, and what we can tolerate we will to avoid having to do things we don't enjoy.

Now, this doesn't apply to things we enjoy. If you really enjoy working out, for example, that is the exception. Things you are passionate about and are energy creating don't count in this model. Also, the importance of habits becomes highlighted. Basically the idea is once you make a habit out of something it takes almost no additional effort to maintain a standard at a higher quality of living than a lower one, because you do those activities without much energy or will exerted, and because it doesn't take much more fuel to fly at 20,000 feet than 5,000.

Ok, this is just a brainstorm of mine. But then I asked, what determines what individuals are willing to live with? If people's minimal standards will become their reality then setting standards is pretty darn important. What is it that influences someone's standards? Parents. Friends. TV. Social media. We look at what's around us and take it in.

And all of this long rant comes full circle. When people say "You become like your friends" it now makes sense why. It's because you gradually come to think of them as 'normal' up to and including their standards.

Life is already hard enough for me, I don't need to surround myself with people that have standards that I don't want to adapt. It's like if I was an alcoholic, I wouldn't want to hang out with my old drinking buddies at a bar. I'm not condemning anyone who drinks, I just can't be a part of it.

In the end I try to walk the balance of being strategic about who I get close to in my life while still getting along with all of the people that life dictates I will be in contact with. To those I admire, I hope to be close and aspire to the qualities I admire most. To those who are behaving in destructive ways, I prefer a little bit of a safe distance, from where they can't pull me down but from where hopefully I can inspire them. And maybe if some part of them craves personal growth they might lift themselves up in some ways to be closer to me the way I try to life myself up to be closer to those I admire.

It's not black and white of course. We're all flawed and we're all striving. I get it. And I am not saying this is how it is or should be. These are simply thoughts I've had as I've tried to better understand why I have felt the need to pull back from this friend a bit.