Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 7)

[Bo562]

First let me say how sorry I am that you are in so much pain. I think the paragraph above is your pain talking. Maybe you are questioning yourself a lot, like if you had not been so intent on marrying a woman with the same religious beliefs, and just chose one who was a kind moral person it would have been better.

Thanks, Sandi (((hugs))). I agree that at least part of this is pain talking....although some of it I’m sure is regret. I am totally questioning myself.

Well, the longer I live the more I believe in being equally yoked. The more you have that pulls the couple in two separate paths, the more potential problems for the relationship. I mean, just look how difficult it is for blended families. When you start considering different backgrounds, different race and/or cultures, different religious beliefs.........you've got some big, big challenges ahead. I think the more you have in common....the better chance the MR has in lasting.

What I find to be a sick joke in my sitch is that I really, truly thought that I tried to minimize risk in my MR. I find a nice Catholic girl who more or less shares what I believe. That is why I only seriously dated Catholic young women. While nothing is ever truly foolproof, I thought I did my best in trying to ensure things stood a (relatively) good chance of lasting.

I dated a girl in grad school who used the phrase ‘equally yoked,’ and sometimes I say that to my students to describe my efforts to ensure that my classes are in similar places. I do see the value and virtue of being equally yoked, and I understand that having different worldviews (especially with respect to religion, but not solely that) can make things very difficult.

I don't how many religions teach natural family planning, but I don't think there are as many modern women who practice it, as there once were. That's just my observation, of course.

While I’m not exactly interested in having a discussion about the relative merits and theology behind planning births, NFP is predominantly (but not exclusively) practiced by Catholics. A number of non-Catholics also practice it, because of concerns from various forms of birth control (effects of hormonal contraception, IUDs, etc.) You are correct in the sense that comparatively speaking, not many women practice it, and usually the woman in the relationship tends to be the driving force behind pursuing NFP (in my MR, it was different).

Anyway, you look at how disappointed you were at your W's change of view point after she had her first child and how angry she became at you after becoming pregnant the second time........and you could not really bring yourself to use birth control, so how do you think that will work if you should M a woman who does not share the same views about family planning? I mean, if there is one thing a man and wife should agree on is whether or not to use birth control.

You are correct—yes, H and W should be on the same page with this.

This is just one issue, but it's a big one. It's an important one to you, and whoever you choose to M. So, I suggest you stay within your religious faith when it comes to dating. I think your strongest love is for your faith......and I think you would not feel complete if you could not fully practice what you believe.

Luckily, I ‘have the gift of time’ to figure this one out. I probably have at least the next 18 months before I could seriously contemplate dating again (6-ish months for D, a year or so to figure myself out). However, in looking over my D papers, W has put the separation date as January 4th, so maybe I can back that timeline up. [Hey, trying to find some semblance of a bright side here. :-) ]

I do appreciate the suggestion. With my students, we are on the 1st Commandment—no false gods, and putting God first. I guess I’m going to find out what that really means for me in my life.

What I’m concerned about is—what if I can’t ever find someone else? Would I be undateable, or not marriage material for someone else (setting aside the question on annulments for the time being)? I know I should find happiness in myself first before another relationship with another woman—I get that, but the fear is there nonetheless, and I think it’s somewhat reasonable to have the fear and name it. Like I posted earlier: did I expect too much from a marriage partner? Or did I just choose poorly? Or did W change in a way that I could never have predicted, and it’s pointless to speculate?