I'm in la-la land over here just wondering what the future holds. I know it's not something I can see. That drives me crazy.
W is coming to the state this weekend and we will discuss both logistics of D and selling the house. We will be meeting at the house, which W has not been in with me since November when she stayed one night.
On one hand this is my space right now, and I hope I draw strength and confidence from that. I wonder what her emotions will be stepping foot into the space that used to be her home and where she really was happy once with her soon to be wife and life partner. I know, can't speculate.
I wonder if she will waver at all in the conversations she wishes to have with me on these two sensitive subjects. I know, can't speculate.
I wonder if I will see any emotion from her, or if we will somehow wander into an unintended R conversation. I know, can't speculate.
I see similarities in all sitches here on the board, which some days gives me strength. I see couples come back from the brink due to a twist of fate, or even just the passage of time.Then I look at ours and it feels so different and so unique (I know, it isn't). I wonder if someday we will be one of the couples that finds our way back. I know, can't speculate.
There aren't as many NC/low contact couples on this board. Some days it is easier. But somedays the expanse of unanswered "what is going on with you?" questions is so hard. I have no barometer.
FS was correct when she said we shouldn't act any different if we KNEW our S would return or KNEW they wouldn't. I'm not doing anything different in my life. I have plans for what is next in my life, and I actively participate and grow. That doesn't change. But this future-reading is something I struggle with. Especially around the D. I feel like that's a line in the sand I don't know that W would ever walk away from. But I don't know. I never thought we'd get here either - reading the tea leaves is sucking me in.
I struggle with wondering if D = the end. I know not always. I know some truly do reconnect. I know if we got a D right now I wouldn't be done - but I'm not sure how I'd proceed with that. If I'm D and we are NC ... am I really going to wait even if I know W is worth it? Worth it - but not guaranteed. How do you balance that?
I suppose all I can do is focus on my 180s and how I interact with her.
I know what I want out of moving forward regarding the house and property. I will listen to her proposal, and know what does and does not work for me. I will not be shy in clearly stating these needs if they differ from hers. We are both reasonable about this subject.
I will not walk on eggshells around her. This is my #1. When the M started to crumble I wanted to do anything to save it, so I ended up hiding and being overly enthusiastic about whatever she wanted. No more.
I will truly listen to what W is saying, and show I am listening through validation. I ignored her pain for too long thinking it wasn't so deep. She tried to hide it from me so I pretended I didn't see it. That didn't work for us.
I want to temp check, but won't. I will watch for subtle clues. What subjects does she talk about, or avoid? Eye contact? Body language?
I will not talk about me to "fill the space". Less a 180, more just a conscious way to keep her talking. That sounds manipulative but I just know nothing about her - and I want to know where she is at. Is she still angry? Hurt?
