I got home from work yesterday and H was working on the backyard, cutting down some trees that were touching the garage. His mom was gardening, putting in some new plants that H had bought for her. I helped him clean up, then we went to home depot to get some stuff. He asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I was watching everyone working on the house and I got sad cause we may not be able to live there anymore. My H asked me if something had changed? Did I change my mind about being separated and want a divorce instead? I said no, but that I thought he did. He said he didn't want to sell the house, that we had worked hard on it and he didn't want to disrupt our son's life by moving. He said eventually one of us will have to move out, but that he wanted to try to keep our son in the home. I said, so in other words, I will have to leave. He said no, either you or me. I told him that I don't want to sell our home either, but then I said 'how long are we going to be separated? it can't be forever. He didn't say anything, and I didn't want to argue about it. When we got home, he suggested we go to a bar for a few drinks. I said sure (it's been almost a month since the 2 of us went out alone just for fun.
At the bar we talked about lots of stuff, laughed had a good time. I didn't mention our R at all. But then H did. Here is our conversation:
H: You said you are making all these changes for you, so why didn't you do this for yourself before? Me: I am doing it now so I can feel better about myself. H: Why couldn't you do this for ME before? Me: I didn't realize how important it was to you. I did so many things for you to show you how much I love you. H: I know you did, but that is not what I needed. Me: I understand that now baby. H: I know I didn't communicate properly with you.
H: Even if OW wasn't in the picture, we would still be breaking up . Me: You don't know that, things are different now between us, we have a better understanding of each other. I don't want to go back to our old relationship, you weren't happy then. I know it would take time for us to be okay again, it will take a lot of work.
Me: Are you happy now baby? H: That's hard to say. I am happy that you finally understand how I feel and that I told you what was bothering me. I am happy when I am with her, BUT LIKE YOU SAID - IT'S NOT REAL, ALL WE DO IS HAVE FUN. (I can't believe he finally admits this!) H: I have no idea how she would react to real situations. It's like how you and I were at the beginning, no real responsibilities. We were happy too, but...... (I stayed quiet and let him continue...)
H: I am not planning anything with OW, I am not making any promises to her. I don't want to get into this situation again. I don't plan on getting married again for many years, maybe when I am in my forties. (he's 29). I don't know who I will be with then. I am so sad about this cause I really want to have children, it's my main goal in life, I wouldn't mind having one right now but I guess I never will.
Me: You and I could still have a baby right now. H: yeah right (sarcastic) (I don't know if this is cause he is mad because he blames me for waiting to have kids, or because of our current situation) Me: We already started to try a few months ago remember. (He became quiet so I dropped the subject)
H: I really need for us to be friends, I can't imagine you not being in my life. Me: But, I am still in love with you, how can we just be friends? H: I hope you let me be your friend. (I didn't say anything, we changed the subject)
Well, I think it was a good conversation, H asked many of the same questions as before, and I had better answers that validated him. I didn't pursue many of the topics that would cause us to argue. I think he is finally listening/realizing some of the things I have been telling him for the past 3 months. Now that he is starting to open his eyes I will bring up the following things for him to consider (of course only if he initiates the conversation):
1. He admits that he is in lalaland when he is with her, he doesn't know how she will be in real life. - I will ask him if he has been honest with her about our sitch yet? Doesn't he think she deserves to know the truth? I know the whole sitch and I am still here, how do you think she will react?
2. When he says he doesn't want to get married again etc... - I will ask him if he has told OW how he feels? Does she know that he won't be able to make a committment to her or any for many years? Doesn't she deserve to know what she is getting into? Is it fair for him to string her along?
3. When he tells me that he needs us to be close friends in the future. - I will explain to him that I cannot move on in my life if we are 'friends' the way we are now. I am very much in love with him and will not be able to honestly commit to another. Also, I will not be able to see him with OW, it hurts to much - I will end up hating him. That I would love to be his friend, but it wouldn't be good for either of us. (of course I just want him to realize that he can't have both me and OW)
After this conversation, I realize that I just need to continue to be patient. After the wedding (5 more weeks) we are supposed to discuss our separation and making it official....we'll see what happens from now to then.
The next night he was holding me and said that he is spoiling me because we still act like a couple - hugging kissing etc... Next time he says this, I will say that I am spoiling him by taking care of the house, family responsiblities, finances etc... as if we are still married. That he won't be able to do many of the things he likes to do if I am not here...
He also said this before we feel asleep:
H: You know we aren't going to end up together right? Me: shrugged my shoulders. H: You understand this right? Me: Yes, if that is what you want.
