Baby steps would be great. And there have been baby steps - him agreeing to come to therapy for the children is a big deal. Him apologising for the way he spoke to me when he was angry about me booking the days away was a massive deal. Asking for supportive text messages was a change too. He sent a very affectionate goodnight message last night using a pet-name he hasn't used for me in years, and that was a big deal to me too. All of that is a start. I want to balance appreciating the good things, while also accepting that as it stands, it isn't enough to build a new marriage on.
I guess what I would like to see going forward was him showing a willingness to repair things with Eldest. The family therapy might be part of that, and I need to think carefully about how to approach my own side in things.
I would also like to see him initiating contact with me in some way. Goodnight texts are a good start. He's been asking more about my day and my work in the last couple of weeks. I suspect these things are scary to him because he's worried about opening a torrent of crying and venting from me - which is understandable - so I have work to do there also.
I have been working on showing gratitude and making sure to thank him for special efforts he makes - like picking things up for the kids or helping me with some house stuff while he around this weekend while I was away at work. A baby step from him would me for me to see him returning some of that gratitude or noticing some of my own changes. He did say he was proud of me for the work I was doing in therapy (it involves me talking about some painful childhood events I prefer not to go into) and that meant a lot.
I think at the moment though, it would be best for me to concentrate on the changes I want to make for myself around emotional reactivity around anger. He's stressed and anxious and I need to learn to under-react to that for my own good and for ease of co-parenting, aside from whatever happens or doesn't happen in the MR. I am going to take Dilly's advice from above and make a list of things to do that I can keep handy and look at when I get flooded. I think there's a chance he might use the first family therapy session to unload a bit - he was like that in MC as he felt safe to be as brutal as he wanted to be, I guess - and I want to be able to keep a hold of myself and listen to him without getting frantic or upset at his anger, and that is going to be a really big 180 for me.
