One Art......thank you for continuing to read long and for giving words of advice, well as things to continue to keep thinking about.
Yes, yesterday was unpleasant at times. I have replayed the conversations in my head over and over again. I know there were things I could have handled better, as well as not let my emotions get the best of me. I know that the patterns that I am using are not effective, and it is only up to me to break those patterns.
I was reading a particular chapter in the DR book today and something struck me.......I really just need to let go of the whole “parent issue.” If I really sit and think about it they really should have no bearing on my relationship with H. They can’t take back what they have said about me or told him to do to me, those are their issues/demons to deal with. And why they chose to think or act that way is not for me to try to figure out. I have continued to make it an issue by continuing to bring them up..... so I’m going to let it go.
I went back and looked at text messages H and I had exchanged during the time we were together the past year and we were in the same pattern that we were after initial BD. I also re-read posts that I had put here at that time, as well as replies from all of you, and if I would have just been able to open my mind I would have seen that what everyone was telling me was right. I can honestly say that he was tying harder than I was. But at that time I did not want to see what he was doing because I still wanted to “play the victim.” I wanted him to do all the heavy lifting and I felt like he owed it to me because of his cheating. Why couldn’t I see all of that at the time?? Am I only seeing it now because I feel threatened by him saying he wants a divorce? I know I keep saying this, but I really truly feel he does not want a divorce, he just wants the pain to end, and he thinks that this is how it will.
I’m not going to reach out to him, because I know that will only push him further away. He said he would contact me, so I guess I will wait and see.
I’m planning on keeping myself busy this afternoon by spending time with friends for St. Patrick’s Day. This should help me keep my mind off of things. I just hope they don’t ask how things were going between me and H......but I sure they will.
