I think when we were in MC I was so unbelievably hurt I was like a child really. And he would veer between being abjectly sorry and reassuring me constantly - which I got addicted to and which of course isn't sustainable - or withdrawing and blaming me for his actions and saying he wasn't spending the rest of his life apologising. I thought we were fixing things - but actually (I have uncovered this in IC) there was a wounded child in me who wanted nothing more than a man who had hurt me badly to take all the blame for it and be desparate to make it up to me. No wonder I got addicted to that, and while his behaviour is on him, my reaction isn't - and he can't have a marriage with a woman who is operating at the level of a traumatised child, which I was. I don't think I was in any position to take responsibility for the background that led to his EA, and he wasn't in any position to take responsibility without feeling like it opened himself up to servicing my exaggerated needs for assurance and comforting for the rest of his life. And then he had all this work stress, which made him terrible to live with - grumpy, snappy, critical, controlling, blaming, obsessive - and pretty aggressive when not pandered to - and I just did not have the emotional resources to detach from him while living with him.
He may very well be having his cake and eating it. But that's down to him. I don't want to live with him and I don't want to R with him until and unless he's got some capacity to make more sustained changes, and until I feel safe doing do. I see tiny moves that he is working in the right direction. I don't trust it. I also acknowledge he may just be manipulating me to make his life easier while he finishes this work task. That may well be happening, but if that is true, what I need to do right now is really no different. What I do want to do is sort out my emotional reactivity, meet my own emotional needs, and be as supportive to him as I can be without letting it turn into a covert contract or emotional manipulation. Because I do genuinely care about him, and because I have been selfish in my marriage for a long time and I don't want to be that person any more.
I am going first - but then again, I did kick him out and I am not dealing with the stress he is so I think I have more capacity than he does right now. That means it is lop sided for the time being, and I am going to feel resentful about that now and again, but I plan for this to be a stage. I won't have a relationship like this long term. It will either move us towards being safe enough to have the conversations we need to R, or get me into an emotionally detached and strong enough position to divorce him. I don't know which one of these it will be yet. And I don't think I am going to allow this to go on for months and months and months on end because I've been miserable with him for long enough already.
