For someone who never apologises he seems to have done a lot of apologising recently!
It's really such a pity you weren't able to address these issues in MC, it sounds like you went too early when things were much too raw for either of you to look at yourselves instead of each other's faults. But now you are both looking at things in a different light, which must be super hard for him if this deadline is stressing him out. It sounds like you understand him a bit better now, so it's good he apologised and told you where he's at. Complaining about not getting our own needs met gets us precisely nowhere, in fact it makes things go backwards. Sometimes you have to meet the other person's needs before they can start meeting ours, because that way you have each other's best interests at heart instead of seeing the other person as standing in the way of your happiness. That, and meeting your own needs yourself if it's not something you're good at, which you are definitely addressing.
I think that sounds like a very sensible idea to postpone your trip but also to get away for a short time if you can since you need some space. It's also considerate of your husband, and hopefully he will appreciate that.
The encouraging texts: to some extent you might need to fake it till you make it, but it might also be useful to really put some empathy into them if possible. So he's worried they are just manipulating him to meet your needs, and he's been vulnerable by asking for them and it sounds like you haven't really put your heart into them. Maybe if you write a list of your husband's good points and focus on those before you send a text that might help warm up your feelings towards him instead of feeling obliged to do it and that coming across? One of my 180s was doing acts of service for dh willingly instead of with a sigh of irritation at him being so needy and also not recognising ALL THE OTHER STUFF I DID. So now if he asks me to do something (for example I pay his rent online even though I've not been to his flat) then I do it promptly and willingly. And actually that makes all the difference to me, but probably comes across to him somehow too. It's surprising what small changes you can make which change your attitude sometimes.
I think you handled that well, just saying that you were scared and maybe he was scared is useful for both of you to recognise that it's the pattern rather than the other person which makes things difficult. I think in the past I've asked for too little reassurance, and working on asking for reassurance instead of running away is something I want to work on. So I guess wanting reassurance is pursuing and running away is distancing, but maybe articulating your needs in the situation and also seeing the other person's needs is in the healthy attachment zone? I really like the red/blue/green zone terms for pursue/distance/balanced, it makes a lot of sense to me.
