Thank you everyone. I really appreciate you stepping in and being so kind and having the time to make your comments. I've been away and back for work, a train ride where I could read and mull things over. H got in touch and apologised, explained his thinking a bit. I guess we're both just INCREDIBLY reactive at the moment. If he perceives even the slightest bit of being disregarded or 'not mattering' to me he gets furious and if I perceive his anger with me, I get terrified and start spinning. And because he's so sensitive and hurt and stressed and anxious, he tends to perceive even things that aren't anything to do with him as me showing him disrespect, and because I'm so hurt and wobbly I can't really bear him being angry with me and get on with what I want to do anyway, without fear. I guess I can understand this - and it comes from a massive amount of self-centeredness in him - and in me too - that comes from both of us not having our needs met in this relationship for a really long time. And I have no control over what he's going to do, or not - but I do want to make some changes for myself.
I've decided to postpone the trip. I don't want to go into detail, but I am satisfied this is a really unusual set of circumstances, that he has a deadline he's got some extra time on because of our circumstances - him moving out - and that this really is a once in a career sort of thing. If he doesn't pull off this project, it will have real and genuine long term consequences for his career, and he's terrified about that and it's overwhelming his ability to think about anything or anyone else at the moment. He has many many flaws and I am not overlooking them - but this work thing is genuine.
I've also decided to work on being less reactive to his anger. For my own sanity, and for any future R, should we be in a position to have one, I am going to have to cope with him not liking or approving some of my decisions without going into a total fear-spin about it and either crying and placating or getting angry and trying to convince him to like what I am doing. Even in the best marriages, each partner needs the freedom to act independently and without the express approval of the other on some things, and while I can't do anything about him, I can work on this fear of mine which will help me feel better and be better in future relationships.
I'm also going to work on meeting more of my own needs. This will make me less reliant on him emotionally, and perhaps help him feel a bit less pressured to be the person who is supposed to make everything okay for me. This was a persistent problem with us - and while I think it's changed a lot over the last couple of years, there's further to go and I want to take that journey for myself. I know I seek reassurance a lot, and a lot of my affection towards him comes from a place of fear rather than of love, and he can tell, and that makes him not trust me - he's referred to my encouraging texts as 'currency' and yes - it was cruel - but I also think it's fear - he's afraid I don't mean it and I am just being nice to him to get him to meet my needs, and I think he's got a point there.
I only talked to him for a few minutes or so. It wasn't a long R talk. I said I was grateful for his apology (totally, totally unheard of - I was really shocked by it) and I acknowledged he was scared when I was emotional, and I was scared when he was emotional too. And we just left it there. I saw him briefly today when I picked up youngest and he looked terrible. Really anxious and pale and drawn. And there's not really anything I can do to help him with this work situation other than postpone the trip, which I have done.
But I still do need to get away and spend some time on myself. So I am talking to a friend today about doing some overnight childcare for me and planning where I can go that's a little nearer that will give me the space and reflection time I need.
AND I plan to write a list of things I can do when I do start spinning again - self comforting things I can do when I have the kids, or in the middle of the night - so I am relying more on myself and not turning to H to soothe my fear.
So that is where I am. Any suggestions for anything I am missing?
