Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

I’ve failed miserably.

The last 2 days I have been depressed to the point of suicidal. I was doing ok and then D6 called him to say she loved him and missed him and wanted him to come home. He said I love you and mummy as well and I will come home on Monday. She got really excited and said are you stopping the divorce and he said no, I’m not I love your mummy but I don’t want to be married to her anymore. And it broke me. To hear him confuse her like that. I grabbed the phone and told him it wasn’t ok and just spiraled from there.

I’m struggling with the thought of spending the rest of my life feeling like this. I need to get a new IC. My current one, I always feel much worse when I see her. We spend the whole session talking about him and not about how I can become better or feel better, it’s a struggle to find someone new but I will.

Yesterday was the first day completely alone. With D6 at bio dad’s and H still in Vegas. I made plans and back up plans and they all fell through. I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed. My depression hit rock bottom and I just wanted to end it. He called and I told him. Stupid right? For someone that is running away from
Pressure, I just added a ton more. But honestly in that moment, we’ll hours of moments yesterday, I wanted it over. I feel stupid today, still very low but strong enough to do better. I did so well for that first month, and now I have undone all the good parts. I know there are setbacks but can I really start again from here? I am trying to focus on the basics. No pursuing, GAL, no R talks, lots of space.

I’m scared and lonely and don’t want this divorce. I want my husband back. I need to remember that this journey will be worth it but for right now I have lost all hope and this weekend just reaffirmed to him that he made the right choice. How do I undo this?