I've had a few moments in the last several days where I felt sheer and utter rage for him and almost sent him something awful. Instead, in view of not being able to have regular visits with S now during the week, I sent him S's schedule for the next six months indicating every possible day that S could see him and asked him to kindly let me know which days he would like me to set aside for him (in particular S will be gone most of the summer and if he doesn't schedule time, he will not see S). As expected, no response. Not even a thank you.
S brought up the alcohol comments again. He said I think he wanted me to tell you that he is a drinker now so you know how different he is. I said yes S, that was a message for me. I think he wants an angry response from me. S said you aren't going to send one are you. I said no. You handled it brilliantly and I am not his trained monkey. I said instead I sent him a nice email saying I hoped he was well (since S said he was sick) and gave him your schedule through the start of school. S said ok.
I realize that my rage is that 4 letter word EXPECTATIONS. Don't worry, I've already slapped myself for it. S had told him that his race was today and OD said he would think about attending (S has never specifically asked him to attend anything before). OD never contacted him. The race is actually tomorrow and was included in the email I sent him. I doubt it will make a difference. S said he never comes to anything for me. I think he doesn't like me. I don't think he's ever liked me. I bet he wishes I'd never been born. All I could say to S was this is his issue. His problem. I love you and am always here for you.
Then I let S take me for a ride in his truck and my convertible. Now he's off riding his bike. A little more wind therapy will do him good. The hardest thing for me in all of this is my S and how much he wants a father and knowing how miserably I failed him in that regard. I hope that I can forgive myself one day.
