TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Hey DV... thanks for stopping by

I've since seen a few things on this guy's social account that have me pretty confident he didn't up and move anywhere for another job. But it is what it is.. just sort of going (back) through the process of evaluating another person from the perspective of who I thought they were being different than who they actually are, and separating my feelings from that.

I really struggle with how people can be so inconsistent and from a relationship standpoint it's starting to worry me even more than I thought it would before. I am finding myself in situations where I'm anxious about whether someone is going to text me back and what they are really thinking. I am finding myself to be pretty needy in the validation department, which on one hand I don't think is totally bad because I deserve to be validated...and someone who wants me will gladly provide it... but on the other hand I feel it tricks me into worst-case scenario thinking when I don't get it and I have a very real, physical anxious reaction to it.

I've continued to try different things to manage that (breathing, keeping myself busy) but I often find myself getting very "stuck" in my mind where I'm not motivated to do anything else until this one lingering thought and feeling gets resolved. Usually that's by way of the next text or next phone call coming through where phew, the person seemed to care about me and it didn't end in a discard (and in the meantime I become obsessed about keeping my phone nearby and checking things). Either that or a good chunk of time completely separating myself from said situation/person, like with my XH.

After just writing that out and re-reading it I am certain that I am still dealing with PTSD from my situation and it's very frustrating because in my logical mind I feel very sharp and understanding of how I should be thinking and feeling about things, but my body and emotional mind is just not complying. The smallest things can trigger my heart racing or me feeling really terrible. And then I feel terrible that I feel terrible, like why can't I deal with these situations "normally" and not feel like it's the end of the world when they happen?

Anyway, just some journaling I guess. I am trying to stay focused on the positive strides I've made, and I am actually really proud of them. There's just still a huge imbalance in my life that I am feeling very deeply and I am trying to better understand and then address how to fix that, but so far the only other option I've come up with is to not engage at all (just avoid the possibility of these situations all together) and I know that's not the right answer.

And yes DV, I think I'll just go ahead and start my divorced thread in a moment and make sure to come back and link to it here for anyone who wants to keep following. And I hope to keep coming back and checking on the sitches here too.