Rocky Road 2

[Miler]

Been a while since an update. Not much has changed on my part. GALing like crazy. I've started Ju-Jitsu 3 days a week, working my tail off on the house, playing baseball and golf with the boys, and reading a ton.

Tuesday, my wife started a R talk. Very interesting. She says, "You're different. I love your changes, but recently you seem to be doing a lot of stuff by yourself and staying busy." I said, tell me more... She said I feel like your attitude towards me is different. I say, I certainly am not doing anything intentional. I'm sorry you are feeling that way. She said that she feels like I have pulled away. I said I haven't pulled away, but I have been focusing on myself and the changes I need to make. She asked what some of those changes are... I told her the things I have been working on, including not depending on her or the R for my happiness. She was a little miffed, and stated that over the last 20 years I had pulled away at various points in the R and she continued to fight. She said that she has pulled away for 2 months and a bit and I wasn't being patient with her. I told her that in fact I was being patient, but I also wasn't just going to sit around the house and wait for her to tell me when we were in the reconciliation process. There were some really good conversation, and there were some bad moments. She acknowledged that even the process of talking about the R was different...I seemed more calm about it. I said I was sorry for my part of the negative parts of the dialogue. She said no need to apologize, overall she felt we made a lot of progress on things.

Then again, Thursday night, she picked up my phone, then put it down and walked in the bedroom. When I went up to bed, she immediately said, you've started to systematically remove me from your life haven't you! I asked why she felt that way. Well, I used to have this sexy picture of her as the wallpaper of my iphone. It was her sitting in this big steel clawfoot tube from a weekend away we had. It reminded me of her and our romantic times every time I looked at it. So, I changed it to a pic of the 3 kids from our last vacation. Well, I guess she saw that I changed the picture and was very upset by this. She said she also saw on my amazon account (she must be doing a little snooping or come across it by accident) that I purchased a book called, This Is Me Letting Go, and another called, "I Wish I Read This Before My Divorce" She accused my of slowing walking a divorce and systematically removing her from my life. I said, W, please understand that I am trying to become a healthy individual by reading all I can about relationships, including a big problem I have with attachment to the R. I needed to let my grip go a tad regarding the relationship, and frankly our M as we know it would be very different should we reconcile. I confirmed to her that I had ZERO plans of divorce. She said maybe she was being very selfish (I didn't say a word here), but AGAIN repeated that she went through all sorts of pain and had a ton of resentment over the last 20 years, and that I could be patient for 2+ months. I acknowledged that I did have difficulty with patience, but that I wasn't going anywhere. She continued to press and it got confrontational. I did break down and say that there was also a part of me that was preparing for the worst. She had left me twice before, and I didn't want to be caught off guard if she did that again (really referring to detaching). She sorta broke down and gave me insight into all sorts of things she was dealing with. That she had to get over the pain and resentment and "sludge" but she didn't know how. She said her classic MO is to dig into something else (like the kids or work) and not deal with the pain. I validated how painful the last 20 years have been for her and that she needed to find herself again. I also said that I would be there to help and support her as much as possible, but that I couldn't fix her or the problem and I wouldn't try like I had in the past. She thanked me for that...Then in the next breathe said "How do I know this is real? You've been saying all the things I've wanted to hear over the last 20 years. Why now? And how does she know that I'm not just saying those things because I know it's what she wants to hear?" I said that there was nothing I could say to make her trust and believe in the changes. I would continue to try and be better, continue to change as a lifelong process, but I was also sure that I'd screw up in the future too. I then made the mistake of saying, "So where does this leave things?" I wanted to hear here process more or give me some direction in the ways I could be there or even give her more space. She said...see, that's part of the old Miler...you always need some expectation or timeline or certainty in every situation. I told her that's not what I what I was expecting. I got upset and told her that I some point she needed to give me the benefit of the doubt. We maybe exchanged 2-3 more sentences. I said I was going downstairs to get some water and cool off before things went in a negative direction (always feel like 2 steps forward, 1 step back). When I got back upstairs, she asked if I minded that we watched Sound of Music (she knows I hate that movie). I said, absolutely, it's been a heavy day. She said, yes, but I feel like I got a ton of stuff off my chest. She also admitted that she got a little scared because for a couple of minutes it felt like the old us. I validated and said some very kind words about supporting her journey and continuing to work on myself. She grabbed my hand and curled into me as we fell asleep watching Sound of Music.

Yesterday went very well. We connected about some things around the house, built something together, and then went to Top Golf with the boys for a couple of hours. We had a blast. We laughed, we danced together, we were very supportive as we each hacked at a few shots. Today was more of that...working on the house. I went to the gym by myself, we watched a little basketball together, then she took off for the gym. I don't anticipate any more R talks and only positive interaction before MC on Monday. Also D18 comes home tomorrow night!