Thanks Kitkat and BoldNBeautiful, I am trying to focus on the positive stuff and not dwell on the negative. Although it is hard to watch him go back to her. He didn't show up, he stayed with her all night. So much for him coming back to me...oh well, I know it is a long road ahead if he ever gets the courage to leave her and work on us. Anyways, here is what happened yesterday.....

I went to work, but my back was hurting so I went home around 11am, I called him on his cell and told him that I was at home instead of work, I asked him what he was doing today, he said he didn't know yet, that he would call me back. He showed up a couple of hours later with our son and our other nephews. We took them to out to play some video games then came back home. He was affectionate but distant. I asked him how come he didn't come home last night, but he avoided the question. Then later, he asked me what 'divorcebusting.com' was. Apparantly he noticed that the website on the internet history on our computer.
I told him that is was like a counselling website about people in our situation. He asked me if I go there because I am still trying to save our marriage. I said no, that I learn a lot of stuff from it, like why affairs happen, communication issues etc...

Later that night we were have a cigarette and he seemed very sad, I asked him if he was okay. He said he feels empty inside. I said that was a terrible feeling. Then he said he was sad cause we were out with kids all day, but none of them were his own (this is a sore point in our R, he blames me for not having kids yet, even though he agreed to wait until we were more financially stable (dec 03 we tried for the first time...then the bomb dropped). I didn't say anything, I wanted to tell him that we could have kids now if he wanted to but I didn't want to push.

At night we were hugging watching tv, he asked me when I was going to stop waiting for him. I told him that I am not waiting for him, I am just living day by day and dealing with it. He told me that I am perfect, I told him that I am not, that I made a lot of mistakes with him and that I was sorry. I told him that I was thinking about what he said earlier, about children, and that I felt the same way. He said that I am going to have lots of babies in the future. I told him I know, but that I want to have them with him. He just hugged me. (I wanted to let him know that if he really wants to have kids that would be an incentive to try to make our marriage work, but I didn't pose it as a question, just as a statement). His cell phone kept ringing, and he looked at me to see my reaction, we both knew it was her. He got very annoyed when it kept ringing. He didn't answer it, but then he checked his messages, she left a long one. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but her tone wasn't very lovey dovey. He didn't call her back and then turned off his phone.

TODAY

This morning we showered and then he told me that he was going to start sleeping on the couch again, I didn't say anything, but he could see that I was dissappointed. He asked me if I wanted him to stay in the room with me instead, I just shrugged my shoulders and continued getting ready.

My take on the past few days is that he has been fighting with her, he realizes that he does need me and misses me a lot. He also has a lot of guilt because he is hurting me. but he is not ready to let her go, I think he has been trying to, but then when he goes to meet her, he ends up staying with her. I think his conflicting emotions are scaring him, he was sure that we were over, but sees that he can't let go of me either. He wants to back off from me, by sleeping on the couch etc... because he is getting too close to me. When he is drunk or off meds, his loses control over his emotions and his true feelings come out, and I know that he really wishes we could find a way to work, but he doesn't know how....


I just have to keep doing what I am doing, back off when he starts pulling away, and get closer to him when he is open to it.
He keeps going drinking with her and they get into a lot of fights when he is drunk. This is good for me, maybe she will get sick of it.....