thanks so much for the encouragement Kitkat. When I read responses from people on the board I actually get tears in my eyes knowing that complete strangers are so kind and caring towards me. I think I am doing a good job dbing, except for the detaching part, I think about us 24/7, even when I am trying to occupy my time doing other stuff.
Today, I went out and expected him to call me when he got home and realized I wasn't there. Well he never called. I called his mom (she was at her other's son's home) She said he talked to her and told her he was shopping. Great, he never likes to shop with me, but goes shopping with her??? I so wanted to call him but I didn't. I waited until I was sure he was home before I got there.
He told me that he called last night around 3am but I didn't answer. I said I never heard the phone. He said he wanted to make sure I was okay. (whatever). He asked me if I went out, I said yes. He asked me if I came home or stayed out all night. I said I came home. He then gave me a gift - it was a gag gift. I wanted to ask him if his bitch approved of him buying me stuff, but resisted. He also bought his mom a purse, he went to give it to her and then came back home. (I wanted to ask if the bitch picked it out for his mom, but didn't)
He asked me to take a shower with him. He hugged me and admitted that he rarely has sex with OW, only when he is really drunk. He usually just goes to sleep. I said thank you for telling me that. He asked me if I go out alone or with my friend. I said sometimes I go alone. He said he hates thinking of me by myself, he wants me to go out and have fun. I told him that even when I go with my friends, I get sad cause he isn't there with me. He asked me if guys try to pick me up. I said yes they do. He hugged me tighter.
He told me that his mom didn't like the purse he bought her. He said he is a terrible shopper, that he missed me shopping with him. He said he went alone to the mall. (thank god I didn't accuse him of shopping with her for the gifts!) I told him that I went shopping alone today too, that I saw some stuff he would love, maybe we could go back together one day. He told me that he called me today but I wasn't there so he went by himself, but he missed me a lot. I didn't ask what happened to OW, they probably had another fight.
Then he told me he was going out again tonight (tommorow is a holiday here). I got mad, couldn't help it and tried to leave the shower. He grabbed me and asked me to please stay. He started crying, said that he can't be happy knowing that I am so sad. I hugged him and said I hated seeing him hurting too. He said he wished we didn't have these problems. I said me too. He told me that he needs to work some stuff out, that he doesn't know, maybe something will happen for us????? I said okay, didn't push or ask what the hell he was talking about.
Then he told me that he hasn't taken his depression meds for the past 2 days, that when he comes off of it his emotions get out of control (great, so he thinks he misses me cause of his lack of medication - whatever). I know that his emotions are screwed up, but I think it is BECAUSE of the meds, they make him feel numb and emotionless when he is on it. Anyways, he should be starting the new meds this week, hopefully they won't be worse then the current ones.
He told me that he doesn't plan on staying out all night (good sign, but no expectations). I hope that they don't make up again tonight (3rd time this week alone). I find that I can't detach from him yet, but I now ASSume that he is always with her, then when I find out he isn't I get a pleasant surprise instead of assuming he is NOT with her, and then getting angry when I find out he was. I know that I need to not care either way, but it is too hard right now.
So when he is drunk, he fights with her, tells me that he wants me. When he is off his meds, fights with her and he misses me. Hmmm....well time will tell I guess....
