Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 7)

[Bo562]

In the end the WAS's urges to leave the M will overpower any religious/ spiritual beliefs they have almost every time. WAS's have a very effective rationalization hamster that is always hard at work, it could go something like this- "I am miserable in this M and God wants me to be happy, so God would want me to get divorced and God would tell me it is best for all of us, even the kids." In the end they will have themselves believing that God drove them to leave the M, that it's God's will. There is pretty much nothing they can't rationalize their way out of.

Yup. I love the visualization of the ‘rationalization hamster’—because it’s true. I recall a similar sentiment that I previously wanted to comment on (below):

Heh! It's amazing how fast a WAS (whether man or woman) will throw out their "moral standards" for a little fling no matter how staunchly religious they were before. They can find a thousand ways to justify their behavior to God and everyone else.

This is pretty much W right now. Although I’m still not sure if there is a ‘fling’ (I don’t know and will probably never know, though I’ve had my suspicions and it wouldn’t surprise me).

W really, truly believes that this is best for the kids. I’ve witnessed how pouty and upset OS gets when Mommy isn’t around—when she gets home late from work, or goes away on work trips. D isn’t going to help this, but I can’t control his responses or her actions.

That's a journey you have to travel for sure. My GF is so vastly different than the type of girls I dated before getting married. No filter, no hiding, no faking anything. You know just where you stand with her for better or worse, LOL! You know exactly what kind of mood she's in. I'm not saying she's better than my XW, but things are just more open and honest and straightforward. I think after BD, S and D I was subconsciously seeking that without even really realizing it. I'm just tired of all the cloak-and-dagger WAS crap.

Is it bad that part of me is kinda looking forward to this, though? I do look back and wonder ‘well, what if I dated or married so-and-so?’ I know I can make myself crazy with the what-ifs, so it’s a cheeseless tunnel that is not worth pursuing, although it does creep into my head every now and then.

That said, if I’m serious about dating / re-marrying a devout Catholic woman, I’ll have to work on getting this annulled. Yeah, I’m not sure how well that will work out, though I would hope that God (and the tribunal!) would look with favor and mercy on the spouse that was left-behind instead of the initiator of the D (at least, that’s my internal hope). Part of the discussion I had with my priest confessor earlier this week during our schoolwide Lenten confession services focused on my sitch, and I told him about W. He works in priestly formation for the diocese, and he did say to me that since W did not display openness to life (with respect to the pregnancy with YS), I *could* be on to something for an annulment. Obviously, there are no guarantees, and he could be looking at this all wrong, but if this is true, then there may be some hope. But then again, I’ve dated / pursued some devout Catholic women in my past, and they’ve turned out to be kinda nuts—something in their personality turns after a while, and they totally change on me. So I have to wonder if my so-called ‘type’ is really good for me. That will be part of my discernment.

It’s interesting you mention ‘filter’—W wanted me to work on my ‘filter’ during our MR, and I’ve become much more ‘filtered’ in my speech and mannerisms (teaching helps—I tell my students it’s called ‘professionalism’). My family (especially my mom’s side), has very weak filters, and they tend to say what’s on their minds, and give strong opinions. When I’m around them (as well as my friends from back home in OH), my filter drops, too, and I become more like them. One of the reasons why she never liked visiting them or being around them. One thing I guess I can realize is that since W is a native Southerner (ATL), Southerners tend to be more passive-aggressive with displaying their sentiments—they have strong opinions, too—but they tend to display their dislike in more covert fashion, and tend to talk bad around others’ backs.

If it's any consolation, I think you've officially been through the worst of it. Getting served is kind of a mini BD, there's something about seeing your tattered marriage all laid out in black and white that really kicks you in the nads.

AS, you’ve been right about so so much on my thread (and in general), and I hope and trust you’re right about this, too. I haven’t fully read my D papers yet—I’ve seen at different places on the forum about reading them when you’re ready, so I’ll wait a little bit—not too long, of course. I mean, how much rejection have I dealt with the last year or so—what’s reading about a little bit more?

A lot of our struggles with BD and the after math is fear of the unknown. Not knowing what your visitation will be, how the kids will handle things, how your job will go, what's going to happen with your living arrangements, etc. etc. Once you resolve these things then there's really no "unknown" to fear anymore. You work it out, you realize you can indeed do this, and then you say "OK, this isn't such a bad deal after all." It's part of dropping the rope.

THIS. I’m admittedly nervous about visitation—I’m scared that the courts would give her what she wants for visitation (sole custody for the next 6 months while breast-feeding; then every other weekend and Wed—Fri weekly). Even though I’ve been told (by L, and by family who have been through this) that the courts would equalize visitation, and I’m sure the courts will hear about her travel plans, and how much I care for them when W’s running around for work. I am concerned with how OS will handle things (as expressed above); YS is much too young to know anything different, though, I love his cheerfulness, happiness and laughter. YS is such a happy baby, and such a gift—I’m glad we gave him the name we did, which means ‘laughter,’ because it fits him to a T. Living arrangements I’m also admittedly insecure about, but I have been looking forward to what I would make my future place like. I’m not terribly worried about my job per se—in January when W originally presented to me the parenting plan, she asked me if I was worried how this would affect my job, because I teach morality / ethics. I told her “I’m not the one asking for a divorce.”

I do realize that I’m fairly young (36 next month), and although I know I do have things to work on, I do have a lot to offer someone else down the road (hopefully). What is the expression? “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”