thanks for the advice kitkat, there are many reasons that I think I should stay in the house, no matter how hard it is. It gives me a great advantage to db, I just have to figure out how to detach better so that his hurtful actions don't make me backslide.

Friday I found the visa bill. It had a lot of charges for motels and restaurants and bars. I flipped. I told him that I wasn't going to pay for him to go wine, dine and f&(&*( her. That as long as we are married, his debt is my debt. He of course just got mad that I checked his bill, he told me that she is giving him half the money to pay for it (so what?? he is still wasting his half on her!)
He told me that the money he spends on his credit card with her is NOT part of my debt that he will pay it off with the spending money he has each pay cheque. I said whatever.

He told me that I should just go meet someone and get over him. I said I am not an idiot to go running off to someone else. He said that we are not going to work out anyways. I told him that him and OW are not going to work either cause his family would not accept her. He didn't believe me, then accused me of telling his family bad things about him. I told him that I haven't said a word to them, but that they have eyes and can see what is going on. He said that his family would accept her unless she does something bad to him, and who knows maybe she will, or maybe I will realize that what we had together was better and the real thing.
He said he would ask his mom if I said anything, I said sure go ahead.

Then he said the following:

How do you expect to get back into my heart when you act like this?

(WTF??? he tells me that I should forget about him, tells me to let him go, that we are going to end up divorced, etc... Then he talks about me getting back into his heart???)

He is so f&(*&(ed up, I didn't point this out to him, I know from this board that I need to weed out the garbage, and listen to what he is really saying. I know he is still not convinced he wants to leave me:

It was his idea to be separated instead of divorced cause then it would be over, that there would be no chance for reconciliation if we D.
It was his idea that we live in the same house, he said at least this way it won't hurt our son, and we will still be able to interact. If we live apart then we will not be able to talk etc...
He continues to initiate ML, taking showers, sleeping in our room etc...
He continues to work on the house, even though we would have to sell it if we split.


I told him that I was sorry for everything I had done, that I wish I could take it all back. I validated as much as possible. I apoligized for flipping out, told him that I was just confused and hurt. I told him that I am scared.
He told me he is scared too.

Then he went out with her. He told me to call him on his cell if I needed him (weird, he usually doesn't say that)
I didn't expect him back until morning. However, his mom called him at 2am, crying saying she is getting depressed over his actions, to think of our son etc.. She also told him that she never wants to see that girl's face, and to never bring her to his brothers house either. (Ha! He thought I was making it up?) He told her that OW is a good person, not to judge her. His mom told him that he is blind, that a good person does not get involved with a married man and want him to break up with his wife, no matter who it hurts. He told his mom that I had apoligized to him earlier today for what I had done.

Then he talked to me, started blaming me for talking to her. I told him that I didn't talk to her, that he can't blame me if his family reacts with dissapproval, what did he expect? He is committing adultery. Then he said that everyone thinks that he is the bad one, that he is to blame for everything. I told him that he is NOT to blame for our problems in the marriage, that it is 50/50, but what he is doing now is his fault, and that we already discussed and agreed on this. I told him that he should talk to his mom and tell her why this is happening if he thinks he is being unfairly judged. He said no.

He showed up at home a couple of hours later, he was drunk, told me that he broke up with her for good this time, that we aren't going to have anymore problems in our lives and that I should be happy now. He said he left her and came home to me instead of staying out all night. I didn't say anything cause I have heard this before, plus he was drunk so who knows what he would say when he woke up.

I was right, OW called him in the morning, then he asked me what he told me last night. I told him, then he said that they just had a fight. That he was drunk. I said okay. Then he intiated ML, we ended up doing it 3 times throughout the afternoon. He asked me if I didn't mind that he was with OW the night before while we were ML, I actually stopped and told him not to talk like that while we were ML. Then he admitted that OW has no idea that we still ML.

We had a good day at a kid's birthday party. He was kissing me and actually dipped me out of the blue when we were listening to some kids tunes. I played along and was not shy or embarassed by his affection in public. This was a sore point in our R - he felt that I was ashamed to be seen with him or something. An old friend came over and told me that I look amazing, that I changed so much. I know that H liked to hear that. H also started taking pictures of me on the camera instead of the kids. He kept saying I looked so hot.

Then he admitted that he did NOT have sex with OW last night. I asked him why he lied and tried to make me think that he did? He said he just didn't want me to think that things were okay between me and him. I said you don't have to be cruel, I am VERY aware of our sitch. He apoligized.

I learned that my validating was working since he told his mom I said sorry for my mistakes. (I've said sorry many times, but I don't think he ever really HEARD me before)
I learned that he responds very well to my returning his affection in public.
I learned that he still very angry and resentful towards me.
I learned that when he says hurtful things to me, not to react because it is his way of saying that he is still mad at me for the past.
I learned that the more I flirt and look sexy, the more he can't keep his hands off of me.
I learned that he is lying to OW, has been right from the beginning. ( how I wish she could find out, but not from me)

They have had 2 fights this week alone, I hope it keeps up, maybe she will get fed up with him. In the meantime, I have to detach from him, but still get closer to him. Very difficult to find the balance. I need to ignore his mean comments cause I know that he is trying to get back at me for the past (very immature, but whatever).

That being said, he is out with her again tonight. He thinks I am going out too. Wonder if he will call again? I won't answer the phone tonight.