Thanks DnJ. I always look forward to your words and wisdom.
I've already texted H that I want him to come over when the kids are out because there were some things I wanted to talk to him about. I wasn't really sure what i was going to say. We have to review and discuss out taxes, so maybe that's enough reason to require the kids to be out. I'm really not sure what will transpire, or what I will feel compelled to say.
I will re-read your words, DnJ, and think about them and pray about it tonight. I need some wisdom on WHY I should stand. To what end? What's the point? Too many questions, not enough answers.
Instead you can use your energy to take care of you-
The old M is over anyway-
We don't know what the future holds Maybe a renewed R with H or maybe another R when the time is right
Its always better to make decisions when we are peaceful when we feel close to God and intuitively feel its the right time to talk
Waiting is always a really good choice if we are unclear because sometimes we want to "GET things OVER" to stop the pain and fear But that will worsen it
Instead try to just Feel the anxiety with the uncertainty feel it through-it passes then you will have your answers
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
DNJ and Peace have given you great advice. The meeting with the lawyer and then setting up a test for STD's isn't fun and I know all of this just brings everything back to the forefront for you. Your anxiety and fears are testing your mettle and I know from your postings that you are a very strong woman.
As for detaching, it takes time and patience and it's not for saving your marriage or convincing your h to return home, but for you. It's a tool that helps you to move forward and learn how not to over react to his behavior or to the behavior of others. If you have time, go back and re-read the detachment thread. We all read the self help threads once and nod our heads, but we need to revisit them often because each time that we do, we discover something new and have "aha! moments".
I wouldn't ask him about the passport or the trip. What will you gain from asking? He may or may not be truthful and the less you ask him about his personal life right now, the better. If he thinks you are curious about his life, he will know that you are right where he left you. You want him to see your actions of moving forward and rediscovering yourself. You want him to be curious about you....not the other way around.
As for discussing divorce w/him, he doesn't give me the impression that he's ready to cut the ties. If your marriage was a sham, you would have known it long ago. You have children that are proof of what was a happy marriage until the bomb dropped on the family. Do not allow your anxiety and fear rewrite your marriage. Focus on the positives because each marriage had flaws and we learned to work them out or around them.
As for making decisions, it is best to do it when you are calm and not anxious or angry. Sit quietly, the answers will come. Just because you "feel" something, doesn't mean it is always right. You have to truly "think" about what you want and how to go about finding that inner peace for yourself. As stated previously, feelings come and go and there will moments of ups and downs and all arounds, but at the end of the day, you are still standing, surviving and moving forward.
You will know, if and when, it is time to call it quits, but I do not think it's any time soon. Allow those "feelings" to wash over you and then release them. Yes, they will give you drive you nuts, but once you recognize them for what they are, you will overcome them.
Grace, breathe! Try to remain calm and focused when meeting w/your h to discuss the taxes. Keep the focus on you and your kids. Allow God to work on this man because he is a broken man at the moment and you cannot rationalize the irrational. Stay positive and stay strong!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I decided to come back before H came over, and glad I did. Thanks Job and Peace, and DnJ too. Your words ring true. I have no reason to NEED to know where H is going and with whom, other than curiosity. I already know he's with OW, just don't know the extent. So, there really is no purpose. I'm dying to ask, though, I won't lie!
I am a strong woman. I know that. People tell me that all the time. But sometimes, I'm just tired. Sometimes I don't want to be strong. I want someone to hold me while I cry. The tears seem to only come when I'm alone.
And sometimes I just want it to be over. This process is exhausting. But, if the time comes that it's over, I understand the value of continuing the detachment and working on self so we set ourselves up to just cruise into our next life. I get that.
*sigh* Wish me luck today. I need prayers for restraint, too!
Best of luck today. I will be thinking about you and praying that things go well. You've got this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
H just left. He spent about 2 1/2 hours here. Here's a short summary.....
We did some business. Discussed taxes and had some stuff from his parents estate we needed to work on with the bank.
Then, we were just chatting about his gigs, the gym, whatever. I DID ask about a potential trip with OW. Asked about his passport. He said he had no trips planned, that he just wanted his passport. I told him it's o.k. if he can feel free to be honest about any trips with her. He continued to deny. Not sure I believe him, but it was o.k. It opened the door to discuss his situation a little further.
I told him that I hoped she made him happy. I don't really hope that, and not sure why that came out, but there it is. He broke down a bit. Said he was in a mine field and if I asked him what he wanted from hour to hour it would change. Said (again!) he was so damaged. He mentioned his gun. Said "that's why I still have the gun, and didn't give it to you". I asked what I was suppose to say to that. He didn't say anything. I didn't feed into it. Plead with him, or anything like that. Just let it go. I did say I that I could see he was in a lot of turmoil and was sorry about that. He told me he was keeping OW "at a distance". When he was with her 1 1/2 years ago, she threatened to tell the kids to push him to making a decision. I hope that isn't going to happen. We even discussed about his next move after his lease is up at the end of April. He said he hasn't done anything about that, but he did say he is liking his own space and learning to do things for himself, and spends a lot of time alone.
There was a lot more. It wasn't argumentative, or strained. After our talk, he asked if we could have a drink together. We sat another 45 min - 1 hour with our cocktails just chatting about regular stuff. It reminded me of the great companionship we have --- and obviously still have.
So, I know I broke many DBing rules today. But you know what? I feel more peaceful. I'm not sure why, but I'm o.k. At least for now. A girlfriend called me when H arrived, and I chatted with her for awhile after he left. She's on her way here (about 6 - 7 drive) to stay overnight with her son. She wants to try to see me tonight or tomorrow morning before she goes back. She helped me through a rough patch 8 years ago, and just came back into my life when this all started about 6 months ago. I love how that happens! The distractions and people you love pop up at the right times.
Grace21, I don't think you broke too many "rules". I think you took the rules and applied them to your situation. Having a calm and pleasant-enough visit is crucial in my opinion to you very, very gently reminding H what your M was. He won't be able to handle any pressure or anything being shoved in his face - so a little visit sounds like a very good interaction. These gentle and subtle reminders will likely stay with him.
My only suggestion is to not validate his time with OW by wishing him happiness with her. It sounds like you didn't mean to. I'd suggest maybe just flat out ignoring her in conversation and only talk about him next time.
I'm glad you feel more peaceful. I know you've really been on a rollercoaster lately.
