I asked myself a long time ago would it make any difference to how I lived my life if I knew 100% that he would be back in a year or if I knew 100% that we would be D in a year, and the answer was no. I would still be doing exactly the same things. I would be going to the gym, fostering friendships with women, going out for drinks with work mates, and trying to find out who I am. My desire to find myself is not, and should not, be linked to the decisions my H makes about his future.
This is exactly right and thank you for the reminder. It's true too. I don't think I would make any different choices in my life if I knew W was coming back or if I knew she wasn't. I am taking my career and my attitude by the reins in a way I hadn't before and I don't intend to let them go ever again. I am really opening up socially which feels wonderful. Your paragraph above is the reminder I need to keep myself in check. Perspective.
I think it's still the undefined future that I'm mourning, and the fact that she may not be in it. I don't "need" her in my everyday, as I'm proving to myself now. I find success on my own. I just want her there, by my side.
Of course, I do mean "The Original W". Who she was for the bulk of our R. I've been chatting with Paco about how hard it is to let go when our WAWs are being kind. In my mind I see W as she should be - strong, confident, loving. I've conveniently forgotten about the 6 months I was on eggshells when she was mentally waffling between staying and going.
