1. it is not your fault that he didn't communicate to you that he will still be busy on the dates you booked, he bigs this up as a big deadline and if the deadline changed then he should have told you 2. you were willing to compromise on dates to accommodate him, but it sounds like he was too flooded to acknowledge that 3. give him a chance to reflect on things a bit, he might see how unreasonable he was 4. you also have a busy stressful life and you're trying to behave well, so should he 5. he ASKED for those texts when you asked if there was something you could do to support him, to throw them back at you is just cruel (maybe because they DO actually mean something to him?!) 6. don't believe what someone says when they're angry 7. he doesn't hate you, change that script 8. you're in a very unusual situation having asked him to move out, but so is he. Give yourselves both a break. Calm down and see where the land lies after you've both reflected
I too am sorry the conversation went badly. You did the right thing. His response is about him losing control. He doesn't want you to go so is now making up reasons for you not to go.
I told my H back in November that I was planning to go away skiing in Feb. I told him a week after he came back from visiting an old school buddy in Dubai. Whilst he was there he thought he'd spend a few days in Asia, so did a detour back that way. He told me about Dubai about three weeks before and didn't mention Malaysia at all.
Anyway, when he got back, he told me he was taking the kids away for Feb half term and I said that that works well, I am going skiing in Feb. His response was an accusation "You're going away without the children ?!?!?!" then a whole bunch of "who's going to look after them?" (his mum), "You're spending a lot of money" and finally "You're so SELFISH". At no point did he think that anything he said was hypocritical. Over the following months, whenever it was brought up (always by him), he would pull a face or huff. He mentioned about a dozen times how annoyed his mum was that I was going away. I would just smile, say "OK" and walk out of the room.
Of course, he doesn't say any of this to anyone else. He reserves his judgement just for me. He even told his mum that he gets to go away on his own so "FS does too". Inside he knows he is being a hypocrite.
He doesn't hate you. He hates losing control. Bring it up again after a couple of days - I'd do this by text. Harder to reactive by text. Say "Have you had a chance to look at those dates? I need to know which dates work for you". It shouldn't be a case of "if you're going away", it's when.
I've just had a terrible night. I understand that he feels he doesn't matter to me, and that the small gestures I have been making aren't going to fix anything overnight, if at all. I get that. And I can see that me wanting him to leave has really really hurt him, and he's expressing that with anger. And he's not ready to look at the reasons WHY I wanted to leave - and despite my own faults, which are my responsibility, he was awful to live with, refusing to engage with counselling, and I was miserably, miserably unhappy and so was he. So I am trying to show someone who has been really awful to me and is still not sorry for it and working on his own changes that I he matters to me, and I am doing that while feeling hurt and alone and scared for the future, and working through a lot of traumatic childhood stuff with the IC so I can be a better version of myself for my kids and not be so powered by my old stuff. And I am just so tired and want someone to encourage me and hug me and tell me it would be okay, and so I know it can't be him, which is why I thought this time for myself would be really good for me. And it's just made him furious. There's nothing I can do.
I'm sorry. I realise I'm not making that much sense. I'm just very upset and I can't see a way to make myself better today. I have to be away for work.
^^^ remember this ^^^ because right now it is your truth.
You are a fixer but you can't fix him. Everything you do right now is going to push him away. He knows he matters to you but right now, he simply does not care . This [censored], but for him, right now, your love is not enough. He is looking for something or someone to complete him, but he cannot be complete, because that comes from inside.
So, if everything you do is going to push him away, then it doesn't matter what you do. And what you should be doing is fixing you. That doesn't mean rant and rave and get angry and tell him exactly what you think. It means showing him compassion and kindness, but at the same time be a little selfish. Concentrate on what you need to heal.
Think of it this way. Leave a place for him at the table but get to a point where it doesn't effect you if he doesn't come home to eat. One day you will either discover that you've stopped leaving a place for him, or that he is, once again, sitting there enjoying dinner with his family. Live your life like that. Let him know that he is welcome but make your decisions yourself.
You are enough. Don't let him make you doubt that.
Alison: have a virtual hug. You had a traumatic time yesterday and a bad night's sleep. Everything seems hopeless in the aftermath of that, and there's not an awful lot you can do to feel good right now. That said, even tiny things might make you feel a tiny bit better. A long walk, a meditation podcast, a bath, an upbeat song, a phone call to a friend, a trip to the cinema. Do all the things you think might help you feel a tiny bit better. Have an early night tonight. Things will seem better tomorrow. This stuff is so mentally and emotionally exhausting, just getting through the day takes so much energy. I know so well that feeling of just needing a hug and reassurance and the person who should be doing that being the person who is causing you all this pain. Things will get better, they always do. In the meantime breathe and take care of yourself xx
It's all about control whilst he stuffs himself full of cake. He's let you down in terms of looking after the kids to let you have some time away. Are you surprised, really? You are still expecting your old H to miraculously return; but looking at things you have previously posted, he's not been that person in a long time. Was he ever really that person? You are still looking to fix and control his return; if I do x, he may do Y. Stop having expectations and trying to fix him.
I can see you blaming yourself; I didn't do this and that's why he feels like that. So what? It's done and can't be undone. It is over. There can be a new marriage IF it is what you are both prepared to work on.
Until he's ready to say that you both did things wrong and let's make sure it isn't like that in the future, you're just going to keep thumping into that brick wall. And getting hurt.
The work is just an excuse. When it 's finished he may put as much effort into his M as he has into his work. But Alison is not going to sit around and run her life solely according to his wants, desires and timetables. He won't forget where you are if he has an epiphany. If he wants to start this M afresh he will show you LOUD and CLEAR.
So, go on your trip and sort something else out for the kids. Friends, parents, godparents, friends from school, you will find people prepared to help.
Sorry to be blunt but if he'd died then what would you have done?
Just wanted to say you have to forgive yourself for what you did wrong in the marriage. I have done what you are doing there, where you're hyper focused on your mistakes. I don't think he is as focused on his mistakes though.
You're very worried about him and how he'll handle you taking a trip. You're afraid that it may push him away, and I get that... Just be strong, confident, happy Alison. Be that girl who can do anything! Your trip is about you. If your H has to watch the kids for a few days he will be fine, I promise you. And then remember: he is already gone. What's dead cannot die again, right? So maybe that will help you worry less about how he is going to react. Do you imagine that he was this concerned about how you would feel when he began his affair? Let that help you detach too!
I think him talking about how he needs to concentrate on work for months is just his way of keeping you right where he wants you. Meek little Alison, working around her H, doing what he needs her to do so that his life is easy peasy. I see a lot of expectations and mind reading from you. This doesn't mean you're a horrible person, but it is an area where you can improve! He is all over the place too! Don't believe anything he's telling you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate you stepping in and being so kind and having the time to make your comments. I've been away and back for work, a train ride where I could read and mull things over. H got in touch and apologised, explained his thinking a bit. I guess we're both just INCREDIBLY reactive at the moment. If he perceives even the slightest bit of being disregarded or 'not mattering' to me he gets furious and if I perceive his anger with me, I get terrified and start spinning. And because he's so sensitive and hurt and stressed and anxious, he tends to perceive even things that aren't anything to do with him as me showing him disrespect, and because I'm so hurt and wobbly I can't really bear him being angry with me and get on with what I want to do anyway, without fear. I guess I can understand this - and it comes from a massive amount of self-centeredness in him - and in me too - that comes from both of us not having our needs met in this relationship for a really long time. And I have no control over what he's going to do, or not - but I do want to make some changes for myself.
I've decided to postpone the trip. I don't want to go into detail, but I am satisfied this is a really unusual set of circumstances, that he has a deadline he's got some extra time on because of our circumstances - him moving out - and that this really is a once in a career sort of thing. If he doesn't pull off this project, it will have real and genuine long term consequences for his career, and he's terrified about that and it's overwhelming his ability to think about anything or anyone else at the moment. He has many many flaws and I am not overlooking them - but this work thing is genuine.
I've also decided to work on being less reactive to his anger. For my own sanity, and for any future R, should we be in a position to have one, I am going to have to cope with him not liking or approving some of my decisions without going into a total fear-spin about it and either crying and placating or getting angry and trying to convince him to like what I am doing. Even in the best marriages, each partner needs the freedom to act independently and without the express approval of the other on some things, and while I can't do anything about him, I can work on this fear of mine which will help me feel better and be better in future relationships.
I'm also going to work on meeting more of my own needs. This will make me less reliant on him emotionally, and perhaps help him feel a bit less pressured to be the person who is supposed to make everything okay for me. This was a persistent problem with us - and while I think it's changed a lot over the last couple of years, there's further to go and I want to take that journey for myself. I know I seek reassurance a lot, and a lot of my affection towards him comes from a place of fear rather than of love, and he can tell, and that makes him not trust me - he's referred to my encouraging texts as 'currency' and yes - it was cruel - but I also think it's fear - he's afraid I don't mean it and I am just being nice to him to get him to meet my needs, and I think he's got a point there.
I only talked to him for a few minutes or so. It wasn't a long R talk. I said I was grateful for his apology (totally, totally unheard of - I was really shocked by it) and I acknowledged he was scared when I was emotional, and I was scared when he was emotional too. And we just left it there. I saw him briefly today when I picked up youngest and he looked terrible. Really anxious and pale and drawn. And there's not really anything I can do to help him with this work situation other than postpone the trip, which I have done.
But I still do need to get away and spend some time on myself. So I am talking to a friend today about doing some overnight childcare for me and planning where I can go that's a little nearer that will give me the space and reflection time I need.
AND I plan to write a list of things I can do when I do start spinning again - self comforting things I can do when I have the kids, or in the middle of the night - so I am relying more on myself and not turning to H to soothe my fear.
So that is where I am. Any suggestions for anything I am missing?
For someone who never apologises he seems to have done a lot of apologising recently!
It's really such a pity you weren't able to address these issues in MC, it sounds like you went too early when things were much too raw for either of you to look at yourselves instead of each other's faults. But now you are both looking at things in a different light, which must be super hard for him if this deadline is stressing him out. It sounds like you understand him a bit better now, so it's good he apologised and told you where he's at. Complaining about not getting our own needs met gets us precisely nowhere, in fact it makes things go backwards. Sometimes you have to meet the other person's needs before they can start meeting ours, because that way you have each other's best interests at heart instead of seeing the other person as standing in the way of your happiness. That, and meeting your own needs yourself if it's not something you're good at, which you are definitely addressing.
I think that sounds like a very sensible idea to postpone your trip but also to get away for a short time if you can since you need some space. It's also considerate of your husband, and hopefully he will appreciate that.
The encouraging texts: to some extent you might need to fake it till you make it, but it might also be useful to really put some empathy into them if possible. So he's worried they are just manipulating him to meet your needs, and he's been vulnerable by asking for them and it sounds like you haven't really put your heart into them. Maybe if you write a list of your husband's good points and focus on those before you send a text that might help warm up your feelings towards him instead of feeling obliged to do it and that coming across? One of my 180s was doing acts of service for dh willingly instead of with a sigh of irritation at him being so needy and also not recognising ALL THE OTHER STUFF I DID. So now if he asks me to do something (for example I pay his rent online even though I've not been to his flat) then I do it promptly and willingly. And actually that makes all the difference to me, but probably comes across to him somehow too. It's surprising what small changes you can make which change your attitude sometimes.
I think you handled that well, just saying that you were scared and maybe he was scared is useful for both of you to recognise that it's the pattern rather than the other person which makes things difficult. I think in the past I've asked for too little reassurance, and working on asking for reassurance instead of running away is something I want to work on. So I guess wanting reassurance is pursuing and running away is distancing, but maybe articulating your needs in the situation and also seeing the other person's needs is in the healthy attachment zone? I really like the red/blue/green zone terms for pursue/distance/balanced, it makes a lot of sense to me.
I'm so sorry things went badly