I've just had a terrible night. I understand that he feels he doesn't matter to me, and that the small gestures I have been making aren't going to fix anything overnight, if at all. I get that. And I can see that me wanting him to leave has really really hurt him, and he's expressing that with anger. And he's not ready to look at the reasons WHY I wanted to leave - and despite my own faults, which are my responsibility, he was awful to live with, refusing to engage with counselling, and I was miserably, miserably unhappy and so was he. So I am trying to show someone who has been really awful to me and is still not sorry for it and working on his own changes that I he matters to me, and I am doing that while feeling hurt and alone and scared for the future, and working through a lot of traumatic childhood stuff with the IC so I can be a better version of myself for my kids and not be so powered by my old stuff. And I am just so tired and want someone to encourage me and hug me and tell me it would be okay, and so I know it can't be him, which is why I thought this time for myself would be really good for me. And it's just made him furious. There's nothing I can do.
