I try not to talk about R too much with my H. But he keeps bringing it up. The part we get stuck on is when he tells me that he just wants to be happy, and that she makes him happy. When I ask him if he will be happy without me, sometimes he says no, sometimes he says I don't know.
I know that I can't force him or tell him what to do, but we have never really talked what will happen if we D.
Right now he is living in fantasy world with her, all they do is drink eat and party. They don't have to face any of the stress of real life, also he has no hardships because I am taking care of everything at home. I think he needs to understand the consequences of divorce before he actually continues on the path towards it.
Next time he tells me that he is in love with her and that doesn't know what to do and that he can't just ignore his feelings, should I say the following:
I know that you are in love with her, I know that maybe if you two had met at a different time and place you may have a good future together. I do want you to be happy baby. But the reality is that you and I are married, we have built a life here together, a life that will no longer exist if you choose to divorce me. Your relationship with her is immoral and wrong in God's eyes and everyone else's (he used to be religious, but has stopped since seeing her, he commented that God will not forgive him for what he has done). The lack of acceptance will make you sad.
You will no longer have me to support you financially or emotionally. You will have to take care of your mom and our son on a daily basis alone. You will not beable to afford to live in the same lifestyle we have here now. You will have to give up a lot of things, including our home because you won't be able to afford it. This will hurt our son and make you sad.
You won't have time to hang out with your friends because you will have to manage everything on your own - grocery, schoolwork, yardwork, paying the bills etc... This will make you tired and frustrated - it will make you sad.
That girl will not be welcome in your home as long as your mom lives with you, nor is she welcome in your brother's home. You will not be able to share many of the things you enjoy doing with your family with her. This will make you sad.
You will have to live with the guilt of the pain and suffering that your new relationship has caused to all that you love dearly. This will make you sad.
I will not be able to be your friend or offer you forgiveness for a long time, if ever. This will make you sad.
I know you baby, and I know that she may make you happy, but the circumstances around your relationship will make you miserable in the long run. You need to really think if being with her is worth it, and how you can realistically achieve happiness with me or with her.
(guilt is a big motivator for him, he hates hurting people, and I know he needs approval from others constantly)
What do you think? I know this is not d'bing. But I really think he is asking for some kind of direction or suggestion on what to do. I think he needs to know what the consequences of a divorce will be. He has been avoiding facing reality and has admitted that to me.
Maybe I should ask his mom to tell him this instead of me, he values her opinion very highly. I just have to make sure she doesn't get mad and start screaming at him like she has in the past.... (He would not think that I put her up to it, she knows what is going on, she lives with us, also he has called her when he is drunk and tells her stuff.
I have told her to back off for the past few weeks cause she is putting too much pressure on him.)
Should I wait to have this conversation with him (or through his mom)? I know I am not supposed to put any pressure on him, but I can't let him continue thinking that everything will be okay for us even if we are not together. (he is constantly saying that, and saying he hopes we can be friends cause he needs me in his life)
Quote: He called me at work today to see if I was mad at him. I said no, that I was just sad. He said why? What did I do last night? I said nothing, I just feel sad cause of us sometimes okay? He said that I slammed the car door when I left. I said oh, I didn't realize I did that, sorry. He asked me how come I didn't send him an email yet? (lately I have been sending him emails when I am upset or need to respond to his questions/remarks.) I told him I wasn't planning on sending him one. He said oh, I was expecting you too. I said how come you only call me now when I am upset? You don't call me to talk anymore huh? He didn't really answer, just told me to cheer up and he would call me later. I said okay bye.
It seema you are doing a good job at detaching. I really don't have any advice on that subjet becasue it is something I haven't grasped yet.
Quote: What do you think? I know this is not d'bing. But I really think he is asking for some kind of direction or suggestion on what to do. I think he needs to know what the consequences of a divorce will be. He has been avoiding facing reality and has admitted that to me.
Maybe I should ask his mom to tell him this instead of me, he values her opinion very highly. I just have to make sure she doesn't get mad and start screaming at him like she has in the past.... (He would not think that I put her up to it, she knows what is going on, she lives with us, also he has called her when he is drunk and tells her stuff. I have told her to back off for the past few weeks cause she is putting too much pressure on him.)
Should I wait to have this conversation with him (or through his mom)? I know I am not supposed to put any pressure on him, but I can't let him continue thinking that everything will be okay for us even if we are not together. (he is constantly saying that, and saying he hopes we can be friends cause he needs me in his life)
I know that it goes agianst DBing but you know your H better then anyone. If you think he needs to see what it would be like without you. Show, don't set down and talk. Put it in action. Quite paying for the bills that are not necesy. When he ask say something about needing to save money for you and your son,(you may or may not want to add that he might not be in pic, in the furtue.) Stop doing the grass, picking things up form the stores. Stop taking care of him and let him see what all he will have to do.
Tell his mom that if he says anything to her about. For her to suggest that you are trying to take care of you and your son, he will have to strat to take care of himself.
I know that this is not comeing out as nice as I want it to sound. But hopefuly you are getting the idea. And I will proubly be kick of the site for this. But honey you have to think of yiu and your son.
kitkat, I like your idea about putting a plan in action.
But I am waiting for him to start backing away from me first,
Or make comments about us divorcing again. He is starting to say we shouldn't be doing this, we shouldn't be doing that etc... cause we are separated. He did this before, tried to back off, but then couldn't.
I think I will have the talk with him first, and then start acting on it. I can't use our son as the excuse, because if we divorce, he will be staying with my H. He is actually his nephew, we have custody of him, and have been raising him together for the past 5 years. (he is 8 now).
He went to the doctor yesterday, the doctor changed his anti-depression medication. I know that depression has a lot to do with our problems, it causes him to focus on the negative and feel that he is doomed, that nothing good ever happens to him etc.. he said that he has been falling out of love with me for the past year - the same time he became depressed and started meds - coincidence? maybe, maybe not. He said that it dulled his emotions and he felt numb.
Hopefully this AD will be better for him, maybe the old H will start coming back and he will realize that his future with OW is just a fantasy. Then again, it could be worse, there is no telling how it will affect his mind.
Yesterday his mom told him that she thinks that he doesn't want to live with us anymore and she is sad. He told her
that he will never leave her or our son. (no mention of me though...) She then said that she doesn't want me to leave either, that she considers me part of her family. He said,
that if I want to leave he can't stop me. No mention of his plans to get an apartment or move out etc...
I know he is lying to her because he doesn't want to upset her, or get her involved in our problems. But I don't know how much of what he is saying is true or not. I do know that he won't leave, he is expecting me to. That will not happen, if he wants to end our relationship, then he will have to part with all the things our relationship created together, including our home, car, etc... He can't afford these things on his own and if he expects me to leave but still pay for everything he is crazy.
I know he will try to convince me to continue to pay for the house for our son, even if I leave. Initially, when I found out about A, he said we should only get separated, cause if we divorce we will have to divide the assets and sell the house etc...also, it will leave the door open for our reconciliation. He also said that it is equity for me, that it isn't a sacrifice for me, that we should try to disrupt our son's life as little as possible. I agreed, then he said that we can both live in the same house, and still be separated. I said okay. But now OW is starting to pressure him because we live together. I think he will ask me to leave but continue our arrangement. What can I say to him that doesn't make me sound like I am forcing him to choose me, or being selfish to our son:
- if I tell him that the only way I am leaving is if he divorces me, he will say no to divorce cause then we have to sell the house. Then he will say that I am blackmailing him into staying with me.
- He will argue that I can leave and go live with my parents, but still pay the house for our son - if I say no, he will say I am just being selfish. What can I say??
Quote: I think I will have the talk with him first, and then start acting on it. I can't use our son as the excuse, because if we divorce, he will be staying with my H. He is actually his nephew, we have custody of him, and have been raising him together for the past 5 years. (he is 8 now).
I didn't mean to imlie you use son as and excuees but as motavtin. I didn't know son was nephew. It is a really great thing that you have done to take him in and treat him like your son. With show him that kinda of love it will leave a great imprint on him when he is older. It takes a reealy speial person to do that.
Quote: He went to the doctor yesterday, the doctor changed his anti-depression medication. I know that depression has a lot to do with our problems, it causes him to focus on the negative and feel that he is doomed, that nothing good ever happens to him etc.. he said that he has been falling out of love with me for the past year - the same time he became depressed and started meds - coincidence? maybe, maybe not. He said that it dulled his emotions and he felt numb. Hopefully this AD will be better for him, maybe the old H will start coming back and he will realize that his future with OW is just a fantasy. Then again, it could be worse, there is no telling how it will affect his mind.
Maybe the depression and meds, where to blame, with a little help form both of you. (I know that with looking back on my M. I can see where I pushed my H away. When I try to talk to my friends they think I am taking the blame. But it's not a blame game, becuase every one has a hand in it. the wife the H and the Ow. Some just have a bigger hand then others) It's a good thing the Doc. sees that the meds arin't work and maybe the new one will. Like you told me it's okay to hope just to get to exiated.
Quote: know he will try to convince me to continue to pay for the house for our son, even if I leave. Initially, when I found out about A, he said we should only get separated, cause if we divorce we will have to divide the assets and sell the house etc...also, it will leave the door open for our reconciliation. He also said that it is equity for me, that it isn't a sacrifice for me, that we should try to disrupt our son's life as little as possible. I agreed, then he said that we can both live in the same house, and still be separated. I said okay. But now OW is starting to pressure him because we live together. I think he will ask me to leave but continue our arrangement. What can I say to him that doesn't make me sound like I am forcing him to choose me, or being selfish to our son:
- if I tell him that the only way I am leaving is if he divorces me, he will say no to divorce cause then we have to sell the house. Then he will say that I am blackmailing him into staying with me.
- He will argue that I can leave and go live with my parents, but still pay the house for our son - if I say no, he will say I am just being selfish. What can I say??
I wouldn't be the one to keave. In my oppion. If you left and paid for everything just for your son then you wouldn't have a chance to start a new life. I would tell H (if he brings it up, and ask you way you won't leave.) Tell him that it is not fair to think you will take care of everything for him and put your life on hold because he wants to have Ow and a life with out you. If he wants a life with out you then it is only fair that you start a new life. (you need to phrase that better it don't sound right like that but I don't know how to soften it up.)It is olny fair that if H wants the big D that he is willing to lose a few things. Mainly you wich in my opoin should be more imporant then house and other things. But he needs to see that things can't stay the same. and that some things will be lost if the D happens.
I wished I knew something at least a little cheerfull to replay but I don't. Maybe you just need a little time see if the new meds are going to work. I would try to stay away form any major talk until the new mwds have a chance.
thanks for the advice kitkat, there are many reasons that I think I should stay in the house, no matter how hard it is. It gives me a great advantage to db, I just have to figure out how to detach better so that his hurtful actions don't make me backslide.
Friday I found the visa bill. It had a lot of charges for motels and restaurants and bars. I flipped. I told him that I wasn't going to pay for him to go wine, dine and f&(&*( her. That as long as we are married, his debt is my debt. He of course just got mad that I checked his bill, he told me that she is giving him half the money to pay for it (so what?? he is still wasting his half on her!) He told me that the money he spends on his credit card with her is NOT part of my debt that he will pay it off with the spending money he has each pay cheque. I said whatever.
He told me that I should just go meet someone and get over him. I said I am not an idiot to go running off to someone else. He said that we are not going to work out anyways. I told him that him and OW are not going to work either cause his family would not accept her. He didn't believe me, then accused me of telling his family bad things about him. I told him that I haven't said a word to them, but that they have eyes and can see what is going on. He said that his family would accept her unless she does something bad to him, and who knows maybe she will, or maybe I will realize that what we had together was better and the real thing. He said he would ask his mom if I said anything, I said sure go ahead.
Then he said the following:
How do you expect to get back into my heart when you act like this?
(WTF??? he tells me that I should forget about him, tells me to let him go, that we are going to end up divorced, etc... Then he talks about me getting back into his heart???)
He is so f&(*&(ed up, I didn't point this out to him, I know from this board that I need to weed out the garbage, and listen to what he is really saying. I know he is still not convinced he wants to leave me:
It was his idea to be separated instead of divorced cause then it would be over, that there would be no chance for reconciliation if we D. It was his idea that we live in the same house, he said at least this way it won't hurt our son, and we will still be able to interact. If we live apart then we will not be able to talk etc... He continues to initiate ML, taking showers, sleeping in our room etc... He continues to work on the house, even though we would have to sell it if we split.
I told him that I was sorry for everything I had done, that I wish I could take it all back. I validated as much as possible. I apoligized for flipping out, told him that I was just confused and hurt. I told him that I am scared. He told me he is scared too.
Then he went out with her. He told me to call him on his cell if I needed him (weird, he usually doesn't say that) I didn't expect him back until morning. However, his mom called him at 2am, crying saying she is getting depressed over his actions, to think of our son etc.. She also told him that she never wants to see that girl's face, and to never bring her to his brothers house either. (Ha! He thought I was making it up?) He told her that OW is a good person, not to judge her. His mom told him that he is blind, that a good person does not get involved with a married man and want him to break up with his wife, no matter who it hurts. He told his mom that I had apoligized to him earlier today for what I had done.
Then he talked to me, started blaming me for talking to her. I told him that I didn't talk to her, that he can't blame me if his family reacts with dissapproval, what did he expect? He is committing adultery. Then he said that everyone thinks that he is the bad one, that he is to blame for everything. I told him that he is NOT to blame for our problems in the marriage, that it is 50/50, but what he is doing now is his fault, and that we already discussed and agreed on this. I told him that he should talk to his mom and tell her why this is happening if he thinks he is being unfairly judged. He said no.
He showed up at home a couple of hours later, he was drunk, told me that he broke up with her for good this time, that we aren't going to have anymore problems in our lives and that I should be happy now. He said he left her and came home to me instead of staying out all night. I didn't say anything cause I have heard this before, plus he was drunk so who knows what he would say when he woke up.
I was right, OW called him in the morning, then he asked me what he told me last night. I told him, then he said that they just had a fight. That he was drunk. I said okay. Then he intiated ML, we ended up doing it 3 times throughout the afternoon. He asked me if I didn't mind that he was with OW the night before while we were ML, I actually stopped and told him not to talk like that while we were ML. Then he admitted that OW has no idea that we still ML.
We had a good day at a kid's birthday party. He was kissing me and actually dipped me out of the blue when we were listening to some kids tunes. I played along and was not shy or embarassed by his affection in public. This was a sore point in our R - he felt that I was ashamed to be seen with him or something. An old friend came over and told me that I look amazing, that I changed so much. I know that H liked to hear that. H also started taking pictures of me on the camera instead of the kids. He kept saying I looked so hot.
Then he admitted that he did NOT have sex with OW last night. I asked him why he lied and tried to make me think that he did? He said he just didn't want me to think that things were okay between me and him. I said you don't have to be cruel, I am VERY aware of our sitch. He apoligized.
I learned that my validating was working since he told his mom I said sorry for my mistakes. (I've said sorry many times, but I don't think he ever really HEARD me before) I learned that he responds very well to my returning his affection in public. I learned that he still very angry and resentful towards me. I learned that when he says hurtful things to me, not to react because it is his way of saying that he is still mad at me for the past. I learned that the more I flirt and look sexy, the more he can't keep his hands off of me. I learned that he is lying to OW, has been right from the beginning. ( how I wish she could find out, but not from me)
They have had 2 fights this week alone, I hope it keeps up, maybe she will get fed up with him. In the meantime, I have to detach from him, but still get closer to him. Very difficult to find the balance. I need to ignore his mean comments cause I know that he is trying to get back at me for the past (very immature, but whatever).
That being said, he is out with her again tonight. He thinks I am going out too. Wonder if he will call again? I won't answer the phone tonight.
Quote: How do you expect to get back into my heart when you act like this?
(WTF??? he tells me that I should forget about him, tells me to let him go, that we are going to end up divorced, etc... Then he talks about me getting back into his heart???)
He is so f&(*&(ed up, I didn't point this out to him, I know from this board that I need to weed out the garbage, and listen to what he is really saying. I know he is still not convinced he wants to leave me:
Weeding out the garbage is one of the hardest things to do. Just remeber that is something you have to keep doing. If he isn't convinced he wants to leave you. Just keep working on yourself, and show him the woman that he fell in love with.
Quote: Then he talked to me, started blaming me for talking to her. I told him that I didn't talk to her, that he can't blame me if his family reacts with dissapproval, what did he expect? He is committing adultery. Then he said that everyone thinks that he is the bad one, that he is to blame for everything. I told him that he is NOT to blame for our problems in the marriage, that it is 50/50, but what he is doing now is his fault, and that we already discussed and agreed on this. I told him that he should talk to his mom and tell her why this is happening if he thinks he is being unfairly judged. He said no.
you done the right thing of letting him know that he is not 100% to blame but is to blame for his 50. (Someone made a post about that. I wished I booked moarked it. It is worth going and rereading) He more in likly dosen't want to talk to his mom because he sees where he messed up. And dosen't want it thrown back in his face.
Quote: I was right, OW called him in the morning, then he asked me what he told me last night. I told him, then he said that they just had a fight. That he was drunk. I said okay. Then he intiated ML, we ended up doing it 3 times throughout the afternoon. He asked me if I didn't mind that he was with OW the night before while we were ML, I actually stopped and told him not to talk like that while we were ML. Then he admitted that OW has no idea that we still ML.
((((Loveforever)))) You are such a strong person. There is no way I could have handle that. No matter how much I want to ML to my H, having H say that would kill me. So rember what dosen't kill us makes us stronger, And he has amdit that she doesn't know about yall ML so he is lying to her. Really a great sign that it's not going to last between theam.
Quote: We had a good day at a kid's birthday party. He was kissing me and actually dipped me out of the blue when we were listening to some kids tunes. I played along and was not shy or embarassed by his affection in public. This was a sore point in our R - he felt that I was ashamed to be seen with him or something. An old friend came over and told me that I look amazing, that I changed so much. I know that H liked to hear that. H also started taking pictures of me on the camera instead of the kids. He kept saying I looked so hot.
Great job. keep working on the little things like that and show him instead of trying to tell him.
Quote: Then he admitted that he did NOT have sex with OW last night. I asked him why he lied and tried to make me think that he did? He said he just didn't want me to think that things were okay between me and him. I said you don't have to be cruel, I am VERY aware of our sitch. He apoligized.
Try to look at it as you are doing db so good he has nothing to complain about, and when people or hurt and confussed they lash out. Rember to weed the garbage out of your garden of love. (God that sounds so corny but it fits so great)
Quote: learned that my validating was working since he told his mom I said sorry for my mistakes. (I've said sorry many times, but I don't think he ever really HEARD me before) I learned that he responds very well to my returning his affection in public. I learned that he still very angry and resentful towards me. I learned that when he says hurtful things to me, not to react because it is his way of saying that he is still mad at me for the past. I learned that the more I flirt and look sexy, the more he can't keep his hands off of me. I learned that he is lying to OW, has been right from the beginning. ( how I wish she could find out, but not from me)
They have had 2 fights this week alone, I hope it keeps up, maybe she will get fed up with him. In the meantime, I have to detach from him, but still get closer to him. Very difficult to find the balance. I need to ignore his mean comments cause I know that he is trying to get back at me for the past (very immature, but whatever).
You are on a great roll just keep with the DBing and watch out Ow and the world. Just keep doing the little things that workes and don't go back to those cheesless tunals.
thanks so much for the encouragement Kitkat. When I read responses from people on the board I actually get tears in my eyes knowing that complete strangers are so kind and caring towards me. I think I am doing a good job dbing, except for the detaching part, I think about us 24/7, even when I am trying to occupy my time doing other stuff.
Today, I went out and expected him to call me when he got home and realized I wasn't there. Well he never called. I called his mom (she was at her other's son's home) She said he talked to her and told her he was shopping. Great, he never likes to shop with me, but goes shopping with her??? I so wanted to call him but I didn't. I waited until I was sure he was home before I got there.
He told me that he called last night around 3am but I didn't answer. I said I never heard the phone. He said he wanted to make sure I was okay. (whatever). He asked me if I went out, I said yes. He asked me if I came home or stayed out all night. I said I came home. He then gave me a gift - it was a gag gift. I wanted to ask him if his bitch approved of him buying me stuff, but resisted. He also bought his mom a purse, he went to give it to her and then came back home. (I wanted to ask if the bitch picked it out for his mom, but didn't)
He asked me to take a shower with him. He hugged me and admitted that he rarely has sex with OW, only when he is really drunk. He usually just goes to sleep. I said thank you for telling me that. He asked me if I go out alone or with my friend. I said sometimes I go alone. He said he hates thinking of me by myself, he wants me to go out and have fun. I told him that even when I go with my friends, I get sad cause he isn't there with me. He asked me if guys try to pick me up. I said yes they do. He hugged me tighter.
He told me that his mom didn't like the purse he bought her. He said he is a terrible shopper, that he missed me shopping with him. He said he went alone to the mall. (thank god I didn't accuse him of shopping with her for the gifts!) I told him that I went shopping alone today too, that I saw some stuff he would love, maybe we could go back together one day. He told me that he called me today but I wasn't there so he went by himself, but he missed me a lot. I didn't ask what happened to OW, they probably had another fight.
Then he told me he was going out again tonight (tommorow is a holiday here). I got mad, couldn't help it and tried to leave the shower. He grabbed me and asked me to please stay. He started crying, said that he can't be happy knowing that I am so sad. I hugged him and said I hated seeing him hurting too. He said he wished we didn't have these problems. I said me too. He told me that he needs to work some stuff out, that he doesn't know, maybe something will happen for us????? I said okay, didn't push or ask what the hell he was talking about.
Then he told me that he hasn't taken his depression meds for the past 2 days, that when he comes off of it his emotions get out of control (great, so he thinks he misses me cause of his lack of medication - whatever). I know that his emotions are screwed up, but I think it is BECAUSE of the meds, they make him feel numb and emotionless when he is on it. Anyways, he should be starting the new meds this week, hopefully they won't be worse then the current ones.
He told me that he doesn't plan on staying out all night (good sign, but no expectations). I hope that they don't make up again tonight (3rd time this week alone). I find that I can't detach from him yet, but I now ASSume that he is always with her, then when I find out he isn't I get a pleasant surprise instead of assuming he is NOT with her, and then getting angry when I find out he was. I know that I need to not care either way, but it is too hard right now.
So when he is drunk, he fights with her, tells me that he wants me. When he is off his meds, fights with her and he misses me. Hmmm....well time will tell I guess....
Quote: I think I am doing a good job dbing, except for the detaching part, I think about us 24/7, even when I am trying to occupy my time doing other stuff.
You are doing a great job at DBing. And as hard as it is at detaching (that is one thing I can't grasp. Maybe I am not looking at it form a begirns mind.) I belive that it is normal to think about your R 24/7. (Or in my case it seems normal. I even think about it when me and H are together,talking with friends.) The trick I think is to see when your thinking is getting in the way of life. Then do your best to stop it.
Quote: He told me that his mom didn't like the purse he bought her. He said he is a terrible shopper, that he missed me shopping with him. He said he went alone to the mall. (thank god I didn't accuse him of shopping with her for the gifts!) I told him that I went shopping alone today too, that I saw some stuff he would love, maybe we could go back together one day.
I am so praod of you. I know how had it is to want to throw something like thinking he was out with her in his face: and not do it. And telling H that you seen some stuff he would like and sugguesting that yall go back together to get it is great DBing in my book. It shows that you want to spend time together with him and that you do think of him (but it is not in a presurring way as it would be if you bought the stuff for him.)
Quote: Then he told me he was going out again tonight (tommorow is a holiday here). I got mad, couldn't help it and tried to leave the shower.
Have you tried to go out with him. When he says he is going out have you tried to tag along. Maybe that is something that yall can do to reconect with each other.
Quote: He said he wished we didn't have these problems. I said me too. He told me that he needs to work some stuff out, that he doesn't know, maybe something will happen for us????? I said okay, didn't push or ask what the hell he was talking about.
Another great DB move and a great baby step. It seems like he is thinking alot about your sitch.
Quote: He told me that he doesn't plan on staying out all night (good sign, but no expectations). I hope that they don't make up again tonight (3rd time this week alone). I find that I can't detach from him yet, but I now ASSume that he is always with her, then when I find out he isn't I get a pleasant surprise instead of assuming he is NOT with her, and then getting angry when I find out he was. I know that I need to not care either way, but it is too hard right now.
So when he is drunk, he fights with her, tells me that he wants me. When he is off his meds, fights with her and he misses me. Hmmm....well time will tell I guess....
Honey, I hate to say this but I think you are on one biga** rollercoaster. At least until his doc, finds the right treament to his depreesion. But it is a good sign I think that no matter on or off the meds, H still wants you.
Just keep a tight grip don't let go. And keep up the great work on DBing.
I have just finished reading your thread and from what I read, I summed up as follows:-
(i) I think you are one hell of a woman. I think you handle your sitch very, very well my dear. With a WAS constatnly asking those kind of Qs, I myself dont think I can handle them as well as you have. And I am actually learning a lot from your sitch myself.
(ii) your H sounds like one confused guy. Take that to your advantage. As long as he sounds confused that is a good sign. (But only you know for sure to what extent you can tolerate his confusion).
(iii) It is also good that OW is pressuring him. One of this days, she will dig her own grave. A R based on deceit, lie and pressure will not sustain. Though he reperatedly say that OW makes him happy he knows deep in his heart the sitch he is in will not make him happy. My H is the same, he hates hurting people that why he cant let go of OW yet coz OW is playing up to his sympathy. OW is indulging in self pity, neediness etc etc and my consolation is that if my H chooses to be with OW in the end that is his lost.
(iv) I see a lot of R talks, dunno really whether that is good or bad. maybe good that you get to know exactly what he is thinking then can also put forward your p.o.v. Bad that it usually will end up in a circle and will lead nowhere. My H doesnt like to talk R, and I am the one who berings it up most of the time. It kinda drives me crazy coz I want to know what he is thnking and feeling so that I am not in the dark. But sometimes I dont like to hear what he is saying coz it hurts. And most of our R talk will end up making him upset or mad or sometimes just plain pleasant. My only advise is that it is a very delicate situation, you have to play your cards right but at the same time dont want to feel like walking on eggshell. Its tough and I am still doing trial and error.
(v) I am still having trouble detaching. But gets easier with time. I am still thinking about us 24/7, but I dont let his action or reaction affects me like it did previously. When he is angry, I try to see it from his perspective as to why some things angered him. I put myself in his shoes then I can understand why he does/say the things he is doing/saying.I try not let it bother me too much or affects my PMA. It is tough I know.
Love, things are very fragile at the moment. COncentrate on yourself for a moment and do the things you like for a change. Go spoil yourself and dont think too much about the sitch coz you will have a long way more to go and a lot more time to deal with this sitch. Go have a good laugh for a change, or anything. When I am feeling exhausted I just try to go have fun for a few hours coz I know I will still have time later to face the problem.. ok, i leave it at that for a while. Will check in more later. Till then, take care...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Thanks Kitkat and BoldNBeautiful, I am trying to focus on the positive stuff and not dwell on the negative. Although it is hard to watch him go back to her. He didn't show up, he stayed with her all night. So much for him coming back to me...oh well, I know it is a long road ahead if he ever gets the courage to leave her and work on us. Anyways, here is what happened yesterday.....
I went to work, but my back was hurting so I went home around 11am, I called him on his cell and told him that I was at home instead of work, I asked him what he was doing today, he said he didn't know yet, that he would call me back. He showed up a couple of hours later with our son and our other nephews. We took them to out to play some video games then came back home. He was affectionate but distant. I asked him how come he didn't come home last night, but he avoided the question. Then later, he asked me what 'divorcebusting.com' was. Apparantly he noticed that the website on the internet history on our computer. I told him that is was like a counselling website about people in our situation. He asked me if I go there because I am still trying to save our marriage. I said no, that I learn a lot of stuff from it, like why affairs happen, communication issues etc...
Later that night we were have a cigarette and he seemed very sad, I asked him if he was okay. He said he feels empty inside. I said that was a terrible feeling. Then he said he was sad cause we were out with kids all day, but none of them were his own (this is a sore point in our R, he blames me for not having kids yet, even though he agreed to wait until we were more financially stable (dec 03 we tried for the first time...then the bomb dropped). I didn't say anything, I wanted to tell him that we could have kids now if he wanted to but I didn't want to push.
At night we were hugging watching tv, he asked me when I was going to stop waiting for him. I told him that I am not waiting for him, I am just living day by day and dealing with it. He told me that I am perfect, I told him that I am not, that I made a lot of mistakes with him and that I was sorry. I told him that I was thinking about what he said earlier, about children, and that I felt the same way. He said that I am going to have lots of babies in the future. I told him I know, but that I want to have them with him. He just hugged me. (I wanted to let him know that if he really wants to have kids that would be an incentive to try to make our marriage work, but I didn't pose it as a question, just as a statement). His cell phone kept ringing, and he looked at me to see my reaction, we both knew it was her. He got very annoyed when it kept ringing. He didn't answer it, but then he checked his messages, she left a long one. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but her tone wasn't very lovey dovey. He didn't call her back and then turned off his phone.
TODAY
This morning we showered and then he told me that he was going to start sleeping on the couch again, I didn't say anything, but he could see that I was dissappointed. He asked me if I wanted him to stay in the room with me instead, I just shrugged my shoulders and continued getting ready.
My take on the past few days is that he has been fighting with her, he realizes that he does need me and misses me a lot. He also has a lot of guilt because he is hurting me. but he is not ready to let her go, I think he has been trying to, but then when he goes to meet her, he ends up staying with her. I think his conflicting emotions are scaring him, he was sure that we were over, but sees that he can't let go of me either. He wants to back off from me, by sleeping on the couch etc... because he is getting too close to me. When he is drunk or off meds, his loses control over his emotions and his true feelings come out, and I know that he really wishes we could find a way to work, but he doesn't know how....
I just have to keep doing what I am doing, back off when he starts pulling away, and get closer to him when he is open to it. He keeps going drinking with her and they get into a lot of fights when he is drunk. This is good for me, maybe she will get sick of it.....
