thanks Kitkat, I am feeling really down today. Last night he went out with her, but for the first time he came home instead of staying out all night. He has promised to do this many times for our son, but usually fails. Anyways, he came to the room started hugging me, he was in a good mood,(great he must have had a good time with the slut). He got quiet, started kissing me and we had the following conversation:
H: Are you going to forgive me for all the bad things I am doing baby?
Me: yes, of course I will try to forgive you.
H: you know I love you right? Me: yes.
(like an idiot I thought he was asking for my forgiveness and telling me this cause he was going to break up with OW)
H: baby I know it's wrong, but I love her. I try not to, but I can't help it. What can I do?
Me: I know you love her, but I don't think it will work in the real world. H: I never did anything for my own happiness, only everyone elses.
Me: that's not true, you were happy with us at the beginning and when you married me. That was for your happiness. H: We just fell out of love baby. Me: no, I didn't fall out of love, you let all the anger and resentment build up inside you and then you decided that you were no longer in love with me.
H: So what am I supposed to do? Just push my emotions aside? Me: No, but you need to look at the big picture.
H: You are not going to let me go are you? Me: I already have, what else do you want me to do? H: Then why did you get mad when you heard me talking to her last week? Me: I told you I never want to hear or see you together with her because it hurts me very much. H: I am sorry, let's go to sleep now okay, can we hug? Me: Okay.
I hate hearing how much he loves HER!! I wish there was a way for him to experience the future he has with her without us having to get divorced, lose our home and hurt our families. I know that he won't be happy because of the circumstances, not necessarily because of her.
I was so sad this morning, I cried while he was in the shower, he wanted me to go in there with him, but I had to get some stuff for our son to take to school. So he said we could take one together tommorow (he likes to sit in the tub under the shower like a waterfall and hug me - he often does alone when he is sad - he was doing that today).
When he dropped me off at the station I said goodbye and didn't ask him as usual for a kiss (sometimes he kisses back, sometimes he doesn't). He said hey, don't you want a kiss? I said oh yeah, okay. I kissed him, he asked me if I was okay? I said it didn't matter, and left the car.
He called me at work today to see if I was mad at him. I said no, that I was just sad. He said why? What did I do last night? I said nothing, I just feel sad cause of us sometimes okay? He said that I slammed the car door when I left. I said oh, I didn't realize I did that, sorry. He asked me how come I didn't send him an email yet? (lately I have been sending him emails when I am upset or need to respond to his questions/remarks.) I told him I wasn't planning on sending him one. He said oh, I was expecting you too. I said how come you only call me now when I am upset? You don't call me to talk anymore huh? He didn't really answer, just told me to cheer up and he would call me later. I said okay bye.
When he says stuff like he did last night, I feel so hopeless, like what's the point of trying to make someone love you back when their heart is somewhere else? Why not just let him go and move on with my life? How long am I going to wait for him? I want to have a family and my own children, I am 33 this year, I don't have many years left to find someone else, settle down and have children. I know in my heart I am not ready to let him go. I also know that I could end up waiting forever for him, until he finally decides to get a D, and then I will have wasted my life on someone who couldn't see the value of us. I will end up being bitter and scared to give my heart to anyone else. I know life goes on, but how will I ever get over him. He expects me to be friends with him, how can I do that when it will feel like a knife through my heart each time we interact? I wish I was a few years younger, then I wouldn't feel this pressure to leave now and start again to fulfill my dreams of a family.
