Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Thanks AS. Man this is soooooo hard. I'm having a super sad day. Nothing new/different. Just a big ball of sad.

RE the I told you/you said/you didn't...You nailed it. Our conflicts have always revolved around us bickering about who said what. I've been accused of lying so many times.

I read your story last night and I am glad you shared your journaling. I am going to do more of that. No one understands this like the DB community. I am in a similar sitch as you were, when you saw your W every day for kids. Mine is this ranch. Even though he was supposed to be deployed for 4 months (which I told him when he moved out not to worry about coming out, I could handle it) but he's here a lot and I don't know if it's good/bad/indifferent to the sitch but I know it is really difficult to see him at times. Some days I handle it better than others. He usually only sees me cheerful and normal. Still haven't gotten my GAL sorted out. I need a hobby.

Today felt weird when I saw him. He was nice, asked about my day, checked me out, but he felt more distant than ever before. I can see how the drinking has been affecting him and he's not sleeping. I feel sad for him for the most part. Not sorry for him, he could get help, but just so unbelievably sad that he's choosing all of this and it's wearing him down.

Just a few minutes after he left he called to let me know that i would see a charge out of my account for $15 and told me he could pay me back and did a cute thing we do as an inside joke. I laughed and said I could totally handle $15/month. Then I said he could have stuck around after feeding the cows, but that I didn't want to invite him in every time he was over in order to respect his desire for 'space'. He said he really appreciated it, he had to go in to work and then he was going to his apt watch the show and bed and what his schedule is for tomorrow (including coming out here to work the cows together).

I took a consulting job for the next two weeks. I haven't worked in 10 years. SAHM/went back to school and got my degree. I put him through school, he put me through with the goal of me working only a couple of jobs per year but to be available to travel with him and take care of the grands. I appreciate the he has not even brought up me getting a full time job. I'm surprised, actually. I don't know that I would do the same if I wanted out.

The consulting job took my mind off the sitch for most of the day. I was dealing with issues that required my undivided attention. H asked me all about it and if I was ok, because the job is very sensitive. Met some incredible people and that was nice.


I just feel stuck right now. I feel like a bomb is about to go off right next to my beautiful family. Haven't felt like this in a while. It's something I have been having a hard time shaking today. IDK. Maybe just too much in my feelings.

Also a question for anyone with good advice. As I'm catching up on everyone's stories, is it rude to cut in with comments? For instance, someone was talking about how the W would tell new BFF "ILY" but didn't tell him. I could totally relate because immediately after BD, he stopped saying it and I stopped out of (respect?). But one day we were walking to the barn and he told his dog "ILY". I actually laughed at that and said out loud, "Seriously!?"

Also, I have read some instances where I know what NOT to do. Should I chime in? Just getting a feel for this place.

I'm going to watch a movie and cook myself some dinner. One thing about this S, I haven't had to cook a whole lot! S17 has been working in the evenings at a restaurant and hasn't wanted mom food and H is gone, so I eat watermelon and yogurt. : )