Arggg! Yes both side of the roller coaster. Information from the L that you would like to implement, but no, just sit on this info for the next while. Oh the feelings that brings up. I get it, you want to do something.
The STD test. I remember mine. Hated it! I don’t like needles to start with, but it was having to do submit for the test, and I’ve never cheated, I live a proper life. Argggg!
Up / down / up / down. I understand. (((Grace)))
Please read the follow quote. A strong woman wrote this, and told me what she needs, and wants, to heal. I believe this woman, and have a lot of faith in her unrealized strength.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I don’t come on the forum to worry about advice that may seem harsh. I am looking for real advice that is helpful in interacting with H and getting me through this crisis. Advice to let me see other perspectives when I am blind by my hurt and despair.
You are blinded at the moment. Feelings are fleetings. Stop feeding them.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I don’t know if I have it in me to stand. I don’t even think I want to try to R. I feel like my whole M was a sham.
Of course you feel that way right now. A visit with the L and an STD test - ya that is going to stir you up.
Look at what you wrote. You “feel” like your M was a sham. It is a real feeling. It is completely justified. It feels real! Acknowledge it, hug it tight, and make it your own. Damn straight it feels bad.
Now, let it go. It is just a feeling. Find your thoughts and beliefs - not just yet - you’re still emotional highjacked and your feelings will alter them. Just wait a while.
For what it is worth. I know you have it in you to stand! Don’t doubt yourself.
Standing really starts when you are strong enough to walk away. Standing is not for H, or M. It is for you.
Originally Posted by Grace21
He obviously has NO consideration for vows, or consideration for me as a person. As his wife. Getting his warped needs met is way more important.
Be accurate. This is not obvious. You feel it is. At best you are guessing what he feels and what are his motives. You’ve read posts from the other side, from reformed MLCers. They were not happy. They knew how bad they were, and how much they were hurting the very people they love. And they still did it, completely driven to such desperate behaviour. H is running from some really big demons.
You are trying looking at this rationally again, you can’t. This is a trap we LBS fall into as we gain some understanding and start to heal. A few things happen. First, we start to normalize what we are going through, what we are living. A completely normal and healthy response, since we are living it. That starts us to try to figure it out. Keep the focus on you. There are many reasons for that advice.
At this point we are still tied to our spouse and incorrectly project that if we have healed this much than they should have too, or at least made some progress. Their path is different than ours. You will heal far quicker than your spouse.
As detachment, healing, and indifference takes hold we start to feel happy again. We start to think about our new, and forced upon us, life. We start thinking maybe I want a different new life. We get tempted. Our feelings, passions, and desires have been quashed for some time, and as they re-emerge, they do tend to look and feel larger than they really are.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I want to get off the roller coaster.
To find the exit:
Don’t ask him about his trip.
You are fighting your addiction to H. And make no mistake it is a fight!
Every stroll down memory lane, every text, every peek on social media, every bit of snooping all pull you back a bit. All those feed your feelings and the chemicals that your R produced and used to course through your brain.
You fight your way to the exit using reason and logic. Get in your intellectual car, and make decision from there. Use your intellect to find your values and beliefs. Pure intellect is not swayed by emotion.
Look at this logically and reason out what good will it do you to confront him. Your L told you she didn’t see any reason to do anything right now.
Find and feed your beliefs. You are getting to the stage where you are going to need them. When indifference really takes hold all kinds of feelings fill that void that one’s spouse use to fill. Get a firm grasp on your beliefs before you get there.
From my experience, your reaction is quite normal.
A lot of advice will be counterintuitive and feel wrong. Many people have given this advice from much hard earned wisdom.
Focus on you. Wait at least 48 hours before replying. Feelings are fleeting. You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Be patient. Breathe. Let go. Follow your beliefs.
Do you still remember your headings and the destination?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
